next column
|
|
|
| previous column | next column |
Does your homophobia get in the way of your appreciation for Brad Pitt?
9/16/05
by Shaw
Let me begin this column by proclaiming my heterosexuality.
I am heterosexual.
Now let me continue by stating another true fact:
Brad Pitt is the most attractive man alive.
This is indisputable.
With apologies to Playboy Magazine, I’ve reprinted below an article with some statistics they compiled in a sex survey (access original link here).
According to Playboy magazine, 54 percent of college gals would cheat on their boyfriend with Pitt and 57 percent want to get jiggy with Jolie.
Meanwhile, 26 percent of the gals would sleep with Justin Timberlake.
• 23 percent have the hots for Britney Spears, the same percentage that would usher Usher into their bed.
• 20 percent would say “oh yes” to The O.C. star Adam Brody.
• 12 percent want to spend a night in Paris Hilton.
• Finally, Beyonce Knowles may be “Bootylicious” but only four percent of co-eds want to sleep with her.
Of course the major story intended in this article is the fact that more girls said that they would sleep with Angelina Jolie than Brad Pitt, but let me tell you something: that is a flat out lie. Any girl that tells you she would sleep with another girl is doing it because she knows the reaction she would get from anyone listening. If you believe for one second that, presented with Angelina Jolie’s naked vagina, 57% of college girls would dive right in without hesitation, then you are an idiot. I would like to see the actual wording of the poll question: the kind of ridiculous pop culture language as quoted in this article (“Would you get Jiggy with Jolie? Get boned by Brad? Spend a night in Paris? Take it from Timberlake?”) desensitizes the respondent to the act itself. If you asked the question graphically, maybe including photos and details of the potential act, I guarantee that the result would be different. The other problem is that from all indications, this poll was given as a multiple choice question with a list of names afterward, and with the stipulation that the girls were allowed to choose more than one response (otherwise of course we would have a problem, as the survey results would account for about 200% of respondents).
The point is, suppose that the poll were just a single question, given only to women, and written exactly as below:
“If you could have sex with anyone in the universe, who would it be?”
You know that at least 50% of the responses would say, “Brad Pitt,” and at least 20% of the responses would simply say, “Brad,” and you would know who they were talking about. Angelina would not break 10%. Imagine for a second having that kind of appeal to the opposite sex. There are 300 million people in the US, 165 million of them girls, and 54 million of these aged 19-45. Now imagine that half of them wrote in a survey that they wanted to sleep with you. Imagine that 27 million people wanted to sleep with you, and not just a little bit—you are the number one person on their lists. Men, think about yourselves—how many women do you think would put you on the top of their list? My guess is, if you read this website, none.
How did this happen? How did Brad Pitt achieve the legendary status afforded to him? While his being famous doesn’t hurt, it has to be more than that; after all, hot male actors are a dime a dozen. But Brad has a special combination of elements that no one else does. So here is why you will never be on top of any woman’s list, and why Brad will be for at least a few more years:
Still hot? Yes.
1. Money and maturity. Brad is 42 years old, and a multimillionaire. The biggest true cliché about younger women is that they like older guys with money. If any 40-year old reasonably attractive guy walked into a bar wearing the hipster designer suits that BP does and flashing a little cash, he would immediately be flocked by intrigued 20-somethings. And as for his age, I can’t tell you how many girls I know are in love with older men because they “don’t act like college guys.” Some other guys that twenty-something women love for the same reason: Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Harrison Ford (he's 63!), Robert Redford (he's 68!).
2. Mystique. Another key element to his public persona is that BP is rarely interviewed or photographed at home. His on-screen characters are often dark, tortured, and frightening (cf. Fight Club, Sleepers, Snatch, 12 Monkeys) or brash and childish (cf. Se7en, A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Spy Game). This leads women to wonder what the real man inside must be like. (Answer: he likes Playstation 2, hookers, and farting, just like every other guy…)
Really still hot? Yes.
3. Brad Pitt has done the unthinkable, twice, and both times it resulted in a huge surge of interest in him from the female population. He dumped the “it girl”, the hottest girl in America, and won out in the court of public opinion. Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was number one, all over the tabloids, in the news all the time, and then she dated BP, and he dumped her and she won the Oscar? Who the hell cared? Brad Pitt was a single man! And Jennifer Aniston. Toward the end of Friends, she was soaring, and her marriage to Brad was tops! They were the one couple, the most untoppleable celebrity pairing, the hottest couple in America. And then he dumped her like a piece of trash, ending her career (just you watch) to date the new hottest woman in America (coincidence?). Every news article you see now has some rumpled picture of Jen all tortured and crying, and follows it up with a photo of BP living it up with Angelina and the kids. I give it 4 years before he dumps her for Lindsay Lohan.
Really? YES.
4. Good looks. Well this is obvious. If Brad Pitt walked into a bar every single person would turn and stare. And if you’ve ever seen Troy, you know he’s got the muscles to back up his perfectly complexioned and angular face.
5. Finally, Brad Pitt has one final important thing, at 42, that this writer at 26 does not: all of his hair.
Quite simply, Brad Pitt is the apex of human evolution.
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.
