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CU v. CSU: A Tale of Two Cities
9/6/05
by DJ and JT

This weekend, it began. The madness. The pageantry. The premature Heisman poses and upsets commence. College football is back, and it reigns supreme in the Harrison and Townsend households. Or filthy bachelor apartment in the case of JT . Every year since we entered college at the University of Colorado at Boulder, we have looked forward to the Rocky Mountain Showdown, aka the Rumble in the Rockies, aka the Mile High Mauling against in-state (and inbred) rival Colorado State University. It's the rich pseudo hippies vs. the redneck hicks. The first game of the year. We bleed black and sweat gold. Upon enrollment, you must express rampant, unadulterated ire and angst for all things CSU, Kansas basketball, and Nebraska football. If requirements are not satisfactorily met, one is subject to floggings and quarterings, and justifiably so. We hate those three entities more than anything I can think of. But, I press on. CSU games bring back memories of old; bleacher brawls broken up by SWAT teams brandishing tear gas at Invesco Field, riding down in a Ford Explorer and parking in the midst of CSU tailgaters and dog-cussin' every last individual wearing the terrible green and gold, and uttering the most disrespectful things that come to mind on a whim. One game started at 4PM MST, and at 8AM DJ was awakened from slumber from drunken pregame revelry... A BLOCK AWAY in a frat house basement party. Last year we were there and it was magical. Penthouse suites, all the Coors Light the Rockies could pour down our throats, the finest meat and cheeses to be found in them thar' hills, and two NBA players footing the bill (Thanks, by the way). An exciting game ensued, with CU winning in the closing seconds.

But what a difference a year makes. This season JT was once again taking the drive up Highway 36 to the most beautiful campus in the world to watch the mighty Buffaloes take on the lowly CSU (Colorado's Second University) Rams. Meanwhile, approximately 1,259 miles due west, DJ was sitting with his new beautiful wife, preparing for the game. This year DJ opted not attend said party, but decided to stay in his summer housing, a quaint ranch in the hills of Orange County and throw a two person fiesta with his betrothed, another CU alum. There was BBQ and booze galore, and was fun, yet still wasn't the same. Drunken college football with one's moronic buddies is a tradition passed down genetically to every male that has testes. His party was small, and demure in comparison to JT's and the Boulderite faithful had this year. Let's just show a timeline to show the demonstrate how the two CU alums celebrated this years christening of the 2005-2006 CU football campaign, one very single, and the other similarly married. Kickoff was at 1:30 PM MST....

8:00am - JT -wake up, hungover.
DJ- still sleeping; drooling

8:04am - JT -Drink first beer to fight off pounding in head. Thank woman in bed with him for the night before. Tell her she's got to go.... Its gameday.
DJ -still sleeping; scratches self

8:20am - JT -Finishes second beer. Feeling better.
DJ -stirs slightly, glances at clock. Stirs wife for "seeing to". Quickly rebuffed. Goes back to sleep.

9:33am - JT - Showered and geared up. Load up hip flask with whiskey and car with road beers. Turn up the new Kanye and fire up my first dip of the day. I'm ready.

10:16am - JT - Traffic slows slightly; curse loudly

10:21am - JT - Stuck in line for parking lot next to campus. Young Jeezy is blasting in the Acura and CSU fans risk a frightened glance in my direction. Their confidence is wavering already.

10:23am - JT - wipes drool from mouth as a group of recently arrived blonde freshmen co-eds walk past in short jean skirts... bare midriffs exposed... I offer them a beer.

10:40am - JT - Find group of friends tailgating next to the Business School. Shotgun first beer. Throw a 50 yard pass to friend with little effort. Then sit under tent to ice my arm and drink another beer.

11:15am - JT - Still drinking. Taunt CSU fans walking by telling them I'll think about hiring them after they graduate. I always need someone who can brew a solid cup of coffee.

11:21am - JT - Start playing Bocce ball with some CU alum's. Not sure what the game is but I love it. Could be the 7 beers and half flask of whiskey. Better get another beer.
DJ- awoke an hour ago and snuck a beer and took whiskey shot, promptly brushed teeth and showered to hide evidence while wife does chores. Start preparing food.

12:45pm- JT and company in luxury suite enjoying the cold beers and the fine spread of nosh presented for our convenience. So drunk I'm eating with a dip in. Drunk dials DJ and puts him on speakerphone for group taunting.
DJ- watching College Gameday with beloved sipping Sangria. Hears phone ring. Does not answer, he knows what the deal is. Wings smell good. Adjusts CU hat.

1:25pm - JT - Here comes Ralphie. Adrenaline so high I tackle a fellow Buff fan in the suite. The suite next to ours is filled with CSU fans, I take mental note of how poor and surly they appear to be..... stupid farmers.

DJ- Take candid with wife, both adorned in the gold and black and of BBQ spread. Content for the moment. Here comes Ralphie baby!!!

1:31pm - JT - kickoff; Finish my 13th beer. Eating Chili dog.
DJ- Hi-Fives wife and starts to pump himself up mentally. She pounds first drink. Impressive. This could be a great day. Buzz setting in...

1:32pm - JT - after a 3 yard gain, scream at Hugh Charles and call him the biggest pussy to wear shoulder pads since Arsenio Hall.
DJ- Ditto

1:33pm - JT - Call Joel Klatt a pussy after incomplete pass. Call for Gary Barnett's job.
DJ- Ditto

1:34pm - JT - High five everyone in suite after first down pass by Klatt. Declare him the best QB in the history of the school.
DJ- Explains what 'Neutral Zone" is. Again. Missed first 1st Down of the year refilling drinks. Swears and stubs toe. Swears again.

1:35pm - JT- High five Trennis after Klatt throws a TD pass to V-Back Marcus Vickers, who physically abuses then pees on every CSU Ram who tries to impede his progress towards the end zone.... Holding call, TD called back. Consider ways to inflict pain upon the referee. End result, Mason Crosby kicks a 90 yard field goal with ease.
DJ - Calls JT, Trennis, and others in suite but no answer; roar of crowd too
deafening. Sends a text.

1:36pm - JT - Finish his 14th beer. Throw empty beer can at CSU fan.
DJ- Already killed Sangria. Mentally finding excuse to drink Jim Beam. Figure I'll wait until halftime.

1:58 pm - JT - CU blocks punt... well actually its not blocked as Marcus Vickers karate kicks the punter before he has a chance to kick it. I am considering having Vickers baby at this point.
DJ- Frantic calls answered by Trennis finally. Filled in on who's in the booth. Ditto about Vicker's baby.

2:31 pm - JT- Game has calmed down. CU is choking. Slam another beer and pee in a storage room I have mistaken for the bathroom. Place napkin over it and blame it on DJ. Laughter ensues.
DJ- Slams another Beam and Coke after answering 5th football related question on the day. Feels his balls twinge.

HALFTIME JT- Drunk as a skunk. Now contemplating stage dive from top of stadium to body surf down the field. Trennis vetoes the move. JT is disappointed.
DJ- Strong ass Sangria gives him awesome euphoric buzz. Glances over at wife....she's "power napping". DJ channel surfs...
THIRD QUARTER JT- (see 1:36 pm and add 5 beers)
DJ- Compadre dozing in and out...All quiet on the Western Front. Hear Johnny Cash song; it's like the soundtrack for the day.
3:54 pm - JT- 4th quarter and CU is losing. I begin to consider the possibility that CU may actually lose to these inbreds. I then consider revoking my degree and alumni status. I text DJ and declare our team the worst in Division 1 football.
DJ- Return text in the affirmative. Declare Miami will sodomize us. In an unrelated story wife awakes from coma and is energized. Ball starting to roll.
4:31pm - JT - Less than 3 minutes left and my vision is highly blurred. Mason Crosby (our only pre-season All American) kicks a 48 yard field goal to tie the game. Our best player is a kicker.... seriously.

4:33pm JT - CSU's untalented low-income QB with no real future throws his 4th pick of the game. The next play CU scores on a 30 yard run to take the lead. After injuring my hand high fiving David limiting my ability to keep giving high fives, I start humping chairs in sheer joy.
DJ - Watch Hugh Charles hit the R1 button with his juke on CSU's mongoloid comatose linebacking crew. Get up and imitate it. Sits down to ice ACL. Pounds JB and Coke and finish off wings.

4:46pm JT - CSU scores to tie the game... nervous laughter... better slam another beer.
DJ- Ditto, plus define "Squib kick". Thinking of creating an NFL glossary to post above 54-inch plasma screen (had to throw that one in)

4:48 pm JT - CU returns the kickoff to the 50 yardline after CSU's mentally challenged welfare driven coach decides to squib kick it. As long as he is standing on grass Mason Crosby is in field goal range. Predictably he hits a 47 yarder to win the game as time expires. CU is like CSU's asshole older brother. We let them stay in games, even take the lead for a while, only to snatch the victory from them in the final minutes thus causing them that much more mental anguish and ego abuse. CU students charge the field in droves. In the suite I am openly mocking the CSU fans in the box next to me.
DJ - Send congratulatory text to friends.

4:50 pm DJ- Wife stretches on sectional couch. Is not to be heard from for the next three hours. I call my friends, drunk, and in the back room, so as not to disturb her.

5:38 pm - JT - Back at the car tailgating again. Getting ready to get something to eat before heading out to Pearl Street for a night of booze and debauchery to remind this campus what my name is.... God bless Boulder and the mighty CU Buffs.... Fuck CSU.
DJ- Switch to another game...
11:45 pm - DJ- Private hot tub party (clothes optional, sorry no pics) with Moet Champagne ends the night in a welcome and surprising turn of events. I go to bed happy. Very happy indeed.

You can take your pick as to which one you wanted to attend. The single guys party or the married guys party. While, both parties are fun and entertaining in their own ways, the bottom line is college football is not meant to be just watched, but thoroughly enjoyed. It's not about the game, unless it's CU playing, it's the experience, the stories, the balleyhooed excitement one gets after seeing your friend pass out in the truck in the parking lot before kickoff, then finding puke by the truck and no sign of him after wards. Or for some, it could be in the sanctitude of your own sprawl with your significant other. It's not the game, it's what you make of it. If you watch a game of merit with no story to tell afterwards, then you didn't really enjoy the game. You were simply going through the motions. Live it, love it. College football, it's the greatest game on earth. Feel free to post your thoughts on the two parties, or your own college football story on our message board. GO BUFFS!!!

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