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Football at the Apollo:
Musings on college football week two
9/19/05
by Clay

1. There are approximately two people in the universe who know what Jefferson Pilot television zone the United States Virgin Islands are a part of, myself and the supervisor at ESPN.com. We discovered this when my purchase of the Vandy-Ole Miss game was blacked out despite numerous attempts to correct the situation and a forty-three minute telephone call.
By the time I realized that JP considers the U.S. Virgin Islands to be a part of Florida, it was already the second quarter. Evidently the 1500 miles of ocean between the two are inconsequential. Per JP, Micronesia is also a part of Texas.

2. Jefferson Pilot SEC broadcaster Dave Rowe is the most annoying broadcaster of college football on earth. His voice is grating, he makes no sense, is not very intelligent, and has the most expansive definition of touchdown-saving in the universe. Leaving aside the metaphysical truth that every tackle is by nature, touchdown-saving on some level, Dave Rowe utters this phrase: "Oh my, if (insert player's name here) doesn't make that tackle, (insert opposing player's name here) might still be running." Is this really possible? Has anyone since Forrest Gump ever scored a touchdown and kept running?

Dave Rowe's wet dream: A football player who keeps running.

3. So I "watched" the first half of the Vanderbilt-Ole Miss game on stat tracker. At exactly 1:52 eastern time with Vandy up 17-3 and driving I jotted down on a tablet: "Is Jay Cutler a Heisman candidate?" Without fail on the next stat tracker update, Vandy fumbled.

4. After a thirty minute search that featured three bars without the Vandy-Ole Miss game, I found a pirated feed in a sports bar located in the ruins of a old sugarcane plantation. It still has the windmill, but unfortunately has neither air-conditioning nor ceiling fans. It did, however, have the game and mosquitoes. I arrive in time to see Vandy go up 24-3. After allowing three touchdowns on plays in excess of 30 yards, Vandy scores again to seal the win. 3-0 and atop the SEC east. Sometimes the rapture arrives and no one even notices. I guess we were all sinners.

5. Take a college football sabbatical until a return home in time for the second halves of Notre Dame-Michigan State, Clemson-Miami, (the ABC regional game in the Virgin Islands this week for those keeping track) and Alabama-South Carolina. Rapidly eliminate the Alabama-South Carolina game as Alabama is delivering a spanking to Spurrier. Somewhere Monday, Spurrier is sitting in his South Carolina office repeating to himself over and over again, "Damn it, I'm Steve Spurrier and this is the SEC. Damn it, I'm Steve Spurrier and this is the SEC." Lou Holtz is wearing that silly grin of his in the studio at ESPN because he now knows that South Carolina is where old coaches go to fade away.

6. The Clemson television signal is lost as they line up to kick the tying field goal. Watch Notre Dame rally and then implode. Is there any fanbase more bipolar than Notre Dame's? Win two games and they start talking about the national championship, lose a game and they start worrying about bowl eligibility. Double overtime games at the same exact moment is pretty exhilarating especially when ABC manages to reclaim their signal. Miami safety Kenny Phillips ices the win with a pick of Clemson's ninth year quarterback Charlie Whitehurst. Phillips will be a top ten pick in the draft in three years. In the same three years Charlie Whitehurst will be telling stories about his nine years living at the Kappa Kappa Gamma house.

Whitehurst: "And then I told Sarah Beth, you know what would go even better with this beer, Laura Leigh."

7. My game diary of the UT-Florida game will be forthcoming later this week. But before that occurs, I have to ask, was the Apollo comedy show the one-hour bridge between SEC football games for anywhere else in the country? While I was in the kitchen I heard two jokes one about M.C. Hammer's pants. Dead silence. The other about Gladys Knight's credit card commercial. Dead silence again. I've watched the Apollo show before and usually the crowd laughs at anything. Seriously, who made this decision? Has anyone ever watched an SEC football game and then hung around during the hour between games to watch the Apollo? Ever? This might be the worst scheduling decision surrounding sports I've ever seen. Nice call CBS Caribbean. Wait...wait...wait, scratch that, Omarion is singing. Great call CBS.

Even the greek god Apollo was not amused at the M.C. Hammer joke from circa 1989.

8. I apologize to everyone for calling attention to the 31 point spread between Arkansas and USC. It should have been fifty. Arkansas humiliated the SEC by losing 70-17. How bad was it? USC had the ball for only 1:32 in the first quarter, but gained 246 yards on eight plays- four of them were touchdowns-for a 28-7 lead.

9. The answer to the above question is yes, Jay Cutler does deserve consideration for the Heisman if Vandy can beat either LSU, UT, or Florida this year and finishes with seven or greater victories. He needs a signature win over a top ten opponent. Vandy is 3-0 right now. Without Jay Cutler they are 0-3. No other single player has been the difference for three games for their team. Of course, Jay Cutler will never win the Heisman unless Vandy goes undefeated. Even still, he deserves some credit.

Check back later this week for my game diary of the UT-Florida game. It's almost as painful to watch as when Alice gave birth to Freddy Krueger's son in Nightmare on Elm Street 5.

A recovered "Alice" makes nice with a fan after having almost given birth to the scion of the devil.

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