1. A reader, Kevin, emailed me a great column from the Maryville newspaper by John Brice (read it here) on the LSU game. By far the best quote from the article was the following from Tennessee assistant coach Trooper Taylor regarding Rick Clausen's appeal: "It's just his great personality. He might be the blackest white dude I ever met in my life man, I tell you." I was blown away by this quote. After much thought, I have decided to christen myself the blackest white dude game diarist ever. I hope there's no disagreement homies.

 

2. Thanks for all the phat (in the interests of full disclosure the use of phat here was intended as a joke) emails we received to the site with feedback on the game diaries. I'll sprinkle some of the better comments I receive throughout the columns from here on out. We appreciate anyone who takes the time to email. Even if they do so just to tell us we suck. On to the game.

 

3. Arrive in time for the Vols first touchdown after fighting my way into the Virgin Islands sports bar. Usually they don't open until one, but I finagle my way inside by pretending to be a satellite repairman until I can find the manager I know. The bar is huge with approximately fifty tables and I am the only person there. Thirty-five televisions are playing football games all around me. I feel sort of like Neo in the Matrix 2.

 

 

4. There's a shot of two ridiculously hot blond chicks in Rick Clausen jerseys. (Or perhaps recycled Peyton Manning jerseys.) Am I the only person who keeps thinking Rick Clausen is the college equivalent of Jamie Foxx's character in Any Given Sunday? Just think of the similarities, both ridiculously unattractive back-up quarterbacks who come from nowhere and are suddenly the belle of the ball. (I realize I just lost major heterosexual points by using the word belle. Plus my eighth grade english teacher Mrs. Bess is going to be angry about the mixed metaphors.) But still, does anyone doubt Rick Clausen is living at a sorority house now, whereas before they wouldn't even open the door for him. I keep expecting to see a newscast about Jesse Mahelona (he's from Hawaii you know) cutting Clausen's SUV in two with a chainsaw while wearing a lai around his neck (because he's from Hawaii you know).

 

 

5. Dave Rowe is horrible. He sounds like an exagerrated Phil Hartman on News Radio. Except without ever having said anything remotely funny in his entire life.

 

 

6. Ole Miss quarterback Micheal Spurlock pick six by UT defensive back Jonathan Wade. 14-0 UT. This might get ugly. No let down yet.

 

 

7. Tee Martin is the answer to the trivia question. I think he had 23 straight completions against South Carolina on Halloween. I remember this so well because the day before while buying Halloween costumes in college my roommate Shekhar had said: "Tee Martin can't pass." This allowed me for three hours to say during the course of the game, "He's not a good passer," as he completed pass after pass.

 

8. Has Ole Miss offensive coordinator Noel Mazzone not forgiven his mother for naming him Noel? Is this why he always looks so angry?

 

 

9. Ole Miss kicks a 50 yard field goal. It was a nice kick but Dave Rowe expresses his approbation by making some gutteral sound that makes me a bit uncomfortable.

 

10. The sports bar is open air and the mosquitoes have found me. In case you're wondering Dave Rowe's voice is even more grating when mosquitoes are biting you.

 

11. Every commercial break on ESPN Gameplan is ESPN commercials. Kobayashi eating fast has already been shown three times. I wish they'd just run the Charley Steiner/Evander Hollyfield commerical over and over again.

 

12. More hot chicks are shown in with bare midriffs and jean skirts with I heart Tennessee spelled out. How touching. The bar tender speaks aloud a question that men all over the southern United States have just thought themselves: "Why aren't there girls like that here now?" Neither I nor the thirty-five blaring televisions can offer an adequate response.

 

 

13. Dave Rowe and Dave Neal have a very strained giggle fit after a very bad holding/camera joke. The mosquitoes continue to assault me.

 

14. Several fat chicks have "Marry me Britton Colquitt" spelled out on a bedsheet. The cameras flash to Colquitt. Smartly, he seems not to be taking the offer very seriously.

 

 

15. UT misses a field goal. At some point, we're going to have to get James Wilhoit squared away. Either that or Wilhoit's going to have to get in touch with Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson and turn pro as a hobbit.

 

 

16. Gerald Riggs makes a nine yard run out of nothing.

 

17. Patrick Willis, #49, for Ole Miss has the largest cast I've ever seen on a football player. When he finishes this game I think he may go play a few sets of tennis.

 

 

 

18. Almost touchdown pass to Bret Smith. My ability to type Bret Smith the touchdown maker...Bret Smith the touchdown maker...Bret Smith the touchdown maker is stifled. (Or at least it should have been.) Incidentally, Mark Nagi of Knoxville's ABC affiliate is a fan of the site and has emailed recently. Were we living in Knoxville this would definitely be the deciding factor in determining which newscast we watched.

 

 

19. First down pass to Jayson Swain during which time Swain dodges approximately 43 tackles before being brought down. Ok, that sentence was hyperbole. Somehow Dave Rowe rewinds the tape and counts the missed tackles, "1...2...3...3.5" he says. "3.5 missed tackles," he says with confidence. What? Please explain how you halfway miss a tackle.

 

20. FG by UT, 17-3

 

21. Rick Clausen gets stuck so hard on a sack he's going to have to have four Kappa Kappa Gamma's give him a bubble bath after the game instead of the three from the Tuesday after the LSU game.

 

22. Ok, ok, I'm calling Peter Jackson right now. Wilhoit is falling apart.

 

23. The UT Draw reemerges on back-to-back plays just before the half. I breathe a sigh of relief. Where oh where have you been UT Draw at the end of the half? Ed Orgeron is thinking, "I should have known better than to hire an offensive coordinator named Noel."

 

Halftime

 

24. One thing that consistently troubles me, why is Jefferson Pilot in the business of putting on football games? How did this ever happen? Isn't this the equivalent of having JP Morgan get into the jump rope selling business?

 

25. It's very safe to say that our offense is still a work in progress. It's also safe to say that with the emergence of Jonathan Wade at the other corner, our defense could potentially be the best UT has ever had. There I said it. The best ever.

 

26. Does anyone else trust the Nexium purple pill line on JP? I've grown to trust the yellow line on most other football broadcasts, but for whatever reason I never believe it's a first down with that purple JP Nexium line until I see the referee signal a first down. Regardless, RU 486 missed a golden opportunity when Nexium beat them out for the rights to the first down line.

 

 

27. At the start of the fourth quarter Ole Miss has -2 rushing yards for the game.

 

28. JP makes the best call of the game. We go back to the blonds in the matching 16 jersies. Would anyone really object if they called the rest of the game? At least then Dave Rowe's gutteral sounds would make sense.

 

29. Ole Miss runs the worst reverse ever. UT blows up the play. Unfortunately they also miss 3 5/64ths tackles. This has become one of those games that stubbornly refuses to be a blowout but isn't a very interesting game either. It's like when you know your team is going to win in beer pong but you can't make the ball in the final cup.

 

30. I missed some plays here because there was a big controversy as to whether or not Michigan's quarterback Chad Henne fumbled. Michigan State's player with longer hair than anyone else in college football returns it for a touchdown. Sadly there are no pictures of his hair on the web.

 

 

31. Ole Miss's cheerleaders are featured. They should be featured more.

 

32. Touchdown for Ole Miss on a nice toss play to McSwain. I'll step up to the plate and accept the blame for this touchdown. I lost my focus...first the other game and then the cheerleaders. My bad.

 

33. Gerald Riggs begins to assert himself.

 

34. Dave Rowe becomes obsessed with the proper running of the clock. Eventually the ref resets the clock twelve seconds and then restarts it again and it goes right back past where it was before the ball is snapped. "I'm glad they got that right," Dave Rowe says. I contemplate lobotomizing Dave Rowe with a plastic spoon.

 

35. Montario Hardesty goes down. Let's hope he's ok. The mosquitoes are swarming me now.

 

36. Rivas, Michigan's fat kicker misses a chip shot field goal that would have beaten Michigan State. Lloyd Carr consoles him on the sideline by offering him a quesidilla.

 

37. For some reason ESPN has suddenly stopped running their own commercials and are now advertising for some show called Freddy! which stars Freddy Prinze, Jr. and Brian Austin Green (aka David from 90210). The most shocking thing about this entire preview is that Brian Austin Green has a tattoo now. I don't have any tattoos, but if Brian Austin Green was getting one beside me I can guarantee you I would choose another tattoo parlor.

 

 

38. Ole Miss now has -11 yards rushing. Just as this stat appears, the sports bar suddenly loses the satellite feed.

 

39. Michigan State misses a field goal in overtime.

 

40. Alabama fumbles a punt. Travis Rule #1 has now been expanded: Always fair catch punts.

41. The satellite is not working.

42. I decide that if this had happened during the final four minutes of the LSU game, I might still be in prison. I call my dad to learn that we got a turnover and scored to go up 27-10.

46. The quesidilla treatment worked. Rivas kicks a field goal to win the game for Michigan.

 

47. Tyrone Prothro scores on an 87 yard touchdown pass from Brodie Croyle. How much do I hate Urban Meyer? I'm cheering for Alabama.

 

 

48. My dad calls to say we intercepted a pass in the end zone to effectively end the game.

 

49. The bartender asks if I know any of the Ole Miss cheerleaders. Seriously.

 

50. I pay my bill. The bartender asks me again if I know any of the Ole Miss cheerleaders but I don't even bother answering. It's already Georgia week as far as I'm concerned.

 

51. Peace out playas,

 

Blackest white dude game reviewer ever

 

....

I decided to add some random thoughts from other games on Saturday.

 

1. I haven't checked but I guarantee fireurbanmeyer.com is up and running. But if the losing continues for Florida, my prediction is Chris Leak is going to take all the punishment. Leak is well on his way to becoming the black Eric Zeier.

 

 

2. Man, South Carolina is awful. After hearing the story about Steve Spurrier putting on videotapes of the Gators from the mid 1990's I have to ask, has Spurrier become Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Pretty soon, we're going to see him strapped up to a time machine attempting to return to 1995.

 

 

3. How good is USC's offense? Losing with 5 minutes left, they don't even have to bother moving down the field by passing. They just gouge Arizona State on the ground for two scores. Having said that, I think Notre Dame beats them in two weeks because Weis has back-to-back bye weeks to gameplan. My prediction on the score, Notre Dame 45 USC 41.

 

4. Even I, with a heart of stone, am nearly moved to tears every time I read or see a story about Charley Weis calling the dying kid's play. And Notre Dame really took the hammer to Purdue this weekend. Three words that don't go together: Ron Franklin Indiana.

 

5. Pity Mike Shula. The guy gets the best win for ten years at Alabama and si going to be critized all week for throwing into the end zone on fourth down up 31-3. Tough luck for Tyrone Prothro, he was electric in this game. What odds would you have given me at the beginning of the season that the SEC coach being criticized for running up the score would be Mike Shula?

 

6. Is Penn State back for real? We'll see when they host Ohio State next week.

 

7. Has one man ever owed more to one family than Frank Beamer at Virginia Tech does to the Vicks?

 

 

8. Tommy Bowden of Clemson is officially gone. The double overtime losses to ranked teams were tough, the loss to Wake Forest is a back breaker.

 

9. Vandy, oh man, Vandy. Fifteen point favorites and they lose on a missed field goal at the end of the game. If you had told any Vandy fan they'd be 4-1 after five games, they would have done cartwheels, but after one upset loss the sky is falling. Let's see what Vandy can muster against LSU and Georgia at home before we count them down. Plus they can still beat Kentucky and the way South Carolina is looking that game is winnable as well.

 

10. I'm going to do a reader response on college football related questions if we get enough questions this week. So if you're so inclined, drop us a line at our email link above and we'll potentially feature your question. If you're an Ole Miss cheerleader, we'll feature you no matter what you write.

 

 

11. On behalf of the Vol nation, I'd like to personally apologize to Frank Beamer for the goiter joke. If the decision were mine, whenever Fulmer decided to leave, I'd want Beamer for the Vols.