1. Astute reader Kevin emailed me suggesting that we refer to Rick Clausen as Hurricane Rick from here on out until it becomes popular. Somehow this idea seems more appealing in the glow of victory than in the somber gloom of defeat. So Hurricane Rick is on hold.

 

2. John also emailed to ask me what I thought about this quote from Tennesee offensive offensive coordinator Randy Sanders: "Rick is old," Sanders said. "He has an ugly body. He is probably wishing he had worked harder in the weight room the last four years right now, but I expect him to be fine. I tell him all the time it is nice to coach someone who is not athletically as good as I am, and I am 40." The more disppointing fact is that UT's football team would be better if Randy Sanders were the quarterback instead of the offensive coordinator.

 

 

3. Arrival for tailgate at Tardio's condo wearing jeans that are far too tight because I have gotten fatter since I started practicing law. I'm rocking the really long shirt to cover the fact that there is no air between denim and my groin. Tardio is listening to the Kentucky-South Carolina game on the radio with his sister Jessica and our law school friend Morris while watching three football games on the three different televisions directly in front of his couch. Earlier I had spoken with Weatherholt about the lack of television for the UK game: "How bush league is that," Weatherholt had asked, "no television anywhere?" The life of a Kentucky football fan is filled with tribulations. Perhaps this is why puppies are so useful.

 

4. In the interest of full disclosure I hate Georgia fans more than the fans of any other SEC team. While Florida fans are clueless and Alabama fans are bitter and classless, at least these two teams have won a national championship in my literate life as well as numerous SEC championships. Georgia fans have a truly inflated sense of self-worth. They're like the really little guy strutting around the bar convinced he can kick everyone's ass only he is so short nobody even notices they are there. Until they start talking...about Hershel Walker.

 

 

5. Opening of the game is watched in silence in deference to Tardio's Kentucky radio game so I have no idea what songs or language was utilized. I did, of course, see the requisite footage of Hershel Walker? What is with the hangup Georgia fans have for Hershel Walker? He's been gone since 1982. Deal with his absence more constructively please. I can't think of any other SEC school that pines so longingly for someone who has been gone twenty-three years.

 

 

6. My friend Doug arrives. He graduated from Georgia grad school and is wearing a pink shirt that he immediately describes as as close to Georgia colors as he feels comfortable wearing. When a man wears pink over your team colors this might be a bad sign.

 

7. I can't hear what Vern is saying, but he's wearing dark sunglasses in the broadcast booth. Tardio says he resembles Ice-Man. I wonder whether he had to get permission from the league to wear the tinted glasses.

 

 

8. Man UT's majorettes have really big thighs.

 

9. Rick Clausen's visor matches Verne's glasses. Although he may be the blackest white guy Trooper Taylor has ever known, Clausen is moving his hands in a dance that definitely qualifies him for the white guy rhythm award.

 

10. Doug mocks Rick Clausen's dancing and then without skipping a beat informs me that his wife is pregnant. I ask him if he is certain the child is his.

 

11. Georgia's team enters the field with interlocked arms. When mocked, Doug refuses to defend the team. "I'm not defending that," he says.

 

12. Tracy Wolfson gives her first report on something entirely insignficant.

 

 

13. Morris utters aloud this phrase: "Erin Andrews should be the sideline reporter for every SEC game." Everyone agrees. I'll take this a step farther. Erin Andrews should be the sideline reporter for every televised game of any sport...and she doesn't even have to be reporting from the sideline, stadium or state. In fact, in a perfect world she would always report while sitting in a bikini on the side of a hot-tub.

 

 

14. Kentucky fumbles for the third consecutive time, and Tardio angrily turns off the radio. We receive sound just in time for Todd's "Ledger." It is stocked with the usual inanities and cliches that are usually just simple keys to the game. Just a question, why does "ledger" need the quotation marks? Is he attempting to copyright the term ledger? If so, why? Come on Todd, this isn't the top ten list.

 

15. Mark Richt believes Jesus has already decided the outcome of every game. This is why he is always calm on the sideline. Seriously, he said this. Sometimes the south is a huge target deserving of mockery.

 

 

16. Georgia runs the ball three times. Including a questionable handoff on 3rd and 8.

 

17. Bret Smith makes a huge thirty-some odd yard catch on the first play from scrimmage for the Vols. I reconsider whether I would speak to him if he called to me on the sidewalk.

 

 

18. For the first of many times, UT punter Britton Colquitt fails to take advantage of field position and punts the ball into the endzone after it bounces approximately 48 times.

 

19. Some undergrad girls from Vanderbilt arrive and there is mass confusion at the tailgate. Somehow I get bumped onto the floor. Also no one can remember how to play the drinking game asshole. Tardio to the rescue: "It's like Uno."

 

20. D.J. Shockley returns to the field and Georgia continues to run the football. Morris states: "No wonder they're running, would you trust a grown man with initials for a name?" Somewhere in Spain, deadlyhippos writer DJ glowers.

 

 

21. We knew it was coming. Verne informs us that Tennessee defensive tackle Jesse Mahelona is from Hawaii. 

 

22. Wait, wait, wait, does this qualify as a revitalized cliche? Mahelona's family is pictured because they traveled from Hawaii. Is this the sports casting equivalent of the bible toting man being a hitman? I'm blown away.

 

23. Another Britton Colquitt punt sails into the endzone. I just don't get this at all. Why doesn't every team have bad punters who have perfect mechanics but can only kick the ball like twenty-five yards no matter how well they kick? I confidently assert to the room that I would never put the ball into the endzone if kicking from inside the forty because my leg is too weak. Everyone ignores me.

 

24. One of the undergrad chicks playing asshole questions: "Why are they holding up that "D" sign at a UT game?" Someone takes mercy on her, "It's for defense, there's a d and a fence." She pauses for a long time, "I thought that was for Dores." No one has the heart to ask her what she thought the fence was for.

 

25. Shockley throws a pass 110 miles an hour for an incompletion.

 

26. Touchdown Georgia. Unfortunately for the scoring fullback this means that everyone sees his gargantuan baldspot on television. Doug defends him: "He's taller than most people anyway. No one sees that normally." Suddenly everyone in Athens realizes why he always turns down the opportunity to do a kegstand.

 

27. Ok, it was another game, but the Arizona water girl gets wrecked on a sideline collision during the USC game. She has long blond hair and it is replayed four times. It's one of the best hits I've ever seen. Without a doubt the best ever hit on a blond-haired water girl on the sideline.

 

28. CBS inexplicably returns from a commercial break and features Lil Bow Wow singing a song with fast shots of both Smokey and Uga. This might be the worst decision CBS has ever made. I think three people in the entire country might have liked this segment. Even Lil Bow Wow had to be disappointed.

 

 

29. During yet another commerical break that commercial for vonage where the kid lets the bat go through the glass window comes on, Morris is adamant that the commercial is faked. Tardio is unsure. Doug refuses to make a commitment but is suspicious of the kid's reaction. Everyone agrees that they have no idea what vonage is or does.

 

30. I've been very critical of CBS and their announcers. Here's a compliment. I actually like Todd Blackledge. And has anyone ever done single syllables better than Blackledge. Pay attention next week to his astute use of the word, "yeah," after Verne goes off on some ramble about his wife's chili recipe.

 

 

31. Solid use of the phrase, "Umph" by Blackledge. I'm telling you no one is more succint.

 

32. Gordon Ely-Kelsoe comes on to punt. He's been Georgia's punter for approximately forty-three years. To put it in Georgia fan parlance, I think he roomed with Hershel.

 

 

33. My friend Sarah, and PacMan Jones' neighbor, arrives at the tailgate and immediately criticizes my taking notes on the game, "You're such a nerd," she says. I inquire as to whether her racist dog is still racist.

 

34. Keith Jackson's commercial for Shoney's airs. This is just horrible. Who started this commentators have to play commentators trend in commercials? Better question who at Shoney's thought: Keith Jackson at a Shoney's table with a microphone= food sales.

 

Evidently Shoney's is proud of this television commercial. You can actually play it on their website. If someone can manage to freeze frame Keith Jackson's facial image in the final scene where a restaurant patron gets water dumped on him please send it to me. It's priceless.

 

35. Sarah informs us that Pacman Jones' new house cost 599k and is decorated tastefully. I inquire as to how the back seat of his car is decorated and Sarah slaps me.

 

 

36. Georgia runs a draw on 3rd and 18. Doug groans.

 

37. There is a discussion regarding Nick Lachey and Matt Leinart moving in together. Doug suggests that Matt Leinart should get a sticker on his helmet for every sorority girl he sleeps with. Then immediately reconsiders, "He might need more helmets," Doug says.

 

 

38. Gerald Riggs is suddenly on fire off left tackle. Finally, we're running the ball.

 

39. Rick Clausen fumbles the snap and then calmly finds my man Bret Smith for a big first down. Doug curses.

 

40. Sarah says, "Kristin from Laguna Beach is chubby." Tardio is incredulous, "Kristin is not chubby." Somehow I am the arbiter. "I don't watch Laguna Beach," I say. Tardio shakes his head. Sarah shakes her head. "We're tivoing at halftime," Tardio says.

 

41. Hurricane Rick misses a wide open Bret Smith on second down. Sure touchdown lost. I groan very loudly. Sarah informs me she is rooting for Georgia because "Tennessee fans are all rednecks."

 

42. Hurricane Rick gets downgraded to a tropical storm. Endzone interception.

 

43. I stand and curse. Doug claps. Tardio deadpans, "That was a bit underthrown."

 

44. I decide to make a preemptive strike during a commerical break regarding the tight jeans I'm wearing before halftime when I am sure they will be noted. "These are the only jeans I had," I say, "and I understand that they are tight." Sarah pounces, "You're a redneck too," she says.

 

45. Clausen is blindsided and fumbles. We clearly recover it and then a Georgia player rips the ball away. Georgia has the ball at our 25.

 

46. Tennessee corner Jason Allen goes down in the midst of a Leonard Pope reception for first down. Oh no, oh no. Weatherholt immediately calls, "Point blank, wouldn't you rather have just torn your ACL?" he asks. The 27 calls as I'm talking to Weatherholt, "The great Jason Allen," he says. When I suggest the football gods will curse him someday, he replies truthfully, "The football gods have already cursed me, I've torn the ACL in both legs."

 

 

47. Third and goal. We need to hold them to 3 bad. We tackle the tight end approximately four inches from the goal line. I start cheering for the clock to run out.

 

48. The clock does not run out. Georgia field goal by Coutu. 10-0 at the half.

 

49. We watch MTV's Laguna Beach on Tardio's tivo during halftime. Sarah describes Jessica to me: "She's got abnormally large boobs, but she's a completely normal person." I pronounce Kristin hot and Tardio is vindicated.

 

 

50. I find myself clapping my hands, "10-0, we can do this, no problem." No one is paying attention to me.

 

51. Junaid calls. We agree that our offense is woeful.

 

52. Second half begins and we go three and out.

 

53. Georgia tight-end Leonard Pope is the most scary man on earth. I'm not accepting arguments otherwise.

 

54. Georgia kicks another field goal. 13-0.

 

55. Kickoff with a Tennessee special teams penalty. God our special teams are awful. Usually when teams get penalized they at least make a big play. We get penalized without making any play...at all.

 

56. Jayson Swain makes a great catch. So great that he gets his picture in the game diary for the first time.

 

57. Sarah becomes obsessed with the fact that you can see the jock strap lines through Gerald Riggs' pants. Every guy immediately asserts that he has never noticed this fact.  

 

58. The best run of the game by Riggs for a first down is negated with a fifteen yard chop block penalty. This is horrible. When after every play you gain ten more yards on your immediate thought is, I hope we didn't commit a penalty, your offense is horrible.

 

59.  Colquitt punts the ball into the endzone again. I'm telling you...bad punters are the answer.

 

60. Jonathan Wade reinforces my confidence in him by stepping in front of a Shockley pass and returning it to the precipice of the end zone. I stand and exhort the football gods.

 

 

61. Clausen scores on a quarterback draw and almost gets into a fight. When a teammate pulls him away from the fracas Hurricane Rick almost attacks him.

 

62. Kevin Simon has a huge hit on defense and Verne serenades Trooper Taylor: "Out to lead the bumping." Verne should never use the word bumping ever again...unless it is accompanied by the word clams and Erin Andrews is involved.

 

63. KWo arrives and immediately mocks me for taking notes on the game.

 

64. Shockley's first name is Donald. DJ makes lots of sense.

 

65. Inky Johnson recovers a Shockley fumble and for a moment I think he might be able to score.

 

66. Lara arrives and immediately mentions Gerald Riggs' jockstrap. She and Sarah begin to plot. "Why aren't there nude jockstraps?" Sarah wonders aloud. Lara seconds her, "Yeah, why not?" she asks. Sarah contemplates leaving the legal profession to manufacture nude jockstraps.

 

 

67. Our freshman receiver Briscoe gets stripped of the ball at midfield just after we convert a first down. I begin to consider the fact that we might lose.

 

68. I tell KWo about my bad punter idea for pinning teams deep. KWo shakes his head, "Three out of ten times you would whiff."

 

69. Ricky Henderson (not the baseball player) downs Ely-Kelsoe's punt at the one yard line. Verne wakes from a stupor in time to hit the mark before the commercial break: "Vols ninety-nine yards from paydirt."

 

70. KWo and Doug both reference the dying kid play in a sarcastic manner.

 

71. UT punts and Thomas Flowers of Georgia returns it for a touchdown. During the entire return I just kept praying for Verne or Todd to say, "Wait, there's a flag on the play." Unfortunately there was none. Doug leans over, "Flowers comes up roses," he says. "Ok," I say, "that's not bad.

 

 

72. UT has a bad snap. Christ, can we not have this happen every time we're losing and trying to come back.

 

73. Mark Richt's wife is a water woman? Ok, I wish someone would have run over her instead of the Arizona water woman.

 

 

74. Georgia runs the ball against us with impunity. 27-7. This is getting rough. Real rough.

 

75. We fumble the kickoff. I contemplate turning off the kickoff. Can our special teams play worse.

 

76. Our schedule is ridiculous. Three games now in 13 days? Two against top ten teams. If they sound like excuses...that's because they are.

 

77. Close-up of a hot chick from Tennessee crying in the stands. If I were single, I would propose marriage on the spot. Her priorities are in the right place.

 

78. The 27 calls and I pass the phone to KWo. KWo talks to him and when I refuse until the game is over the 27 has a field day, "You just lost so much respect," he says. I take the phone. "Oh man," he says, "oh man."

 

79. The 27 asks to speak to my wife Lara "because she deserves to be with a Florida fan."

 

80. We score a pity TD. I'm not going to lie. This one is painful. Much more painful than the Georgia loss. Even more painful in the tighest jeans known to man.

 

81. "I'm telling you," Sarah says, "nude jockstraps."