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| You are in the Ukraine (for basketball) 10/12/05 by DJ |
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Dark clouds are moving across the sky, parting like a high slit skirt. The moment they open up, you see the sun on the horizon, red as a pomengranate suspended upon the trembling horizon. Beyond it lies cities of unspeakable uniqueness, uncharted lands foreign to the world itself. Your dream is abruptly halted as you are jolted awake by the wheels of the Boeing 737 touching down in Kiev. You are in the Ukraine.
You make your way down to the baggage claim, awash in unabashed wonderment at the so-called airport that mostly resembles a Greyhound bus station. The bathrooms are dingy and are no more than porcelain holes in the ground in stalls. It reeks. You are in the Ukraine.
At the baggage claim a stray cat wanders into the terminal, followed by another. This seems strange to no one, after all, you are in the Ukraine. It's freezing at noon. At your hotel which seemed like a hostel, you are bereft of a room phone. At the front desk you ask for the nearest phone, which was probably carried off by the legions of flies in lobby. The desk lady, much like most of the country, speaks no English and has no sense of humor. You rack your brain for all the Russian you can scare up, only to reference Ivan Drago's unintellegible speech and his girlfriend yelling "Ivan, Nyet!!" in Rocky IV. Nyet makes up 100% of your vocabulary. You are in the Ukraine.
Skulking back to your room, you prepare yourself for the nights basketball game. Making quite possbly the worst decision of all time, you refill your water bottle with water from the bathroom sink. Never do this, because you are in the Ukraine.
Tip-off. Your mind blurs. Khalid El-Amin taunts you after hitting a floater. The post men for the other team resemble Rockem Sockem Robots with their square heads and they beat you endlessly. You scan over the audience and expect to see Kournikovas and Sharipovas. Nyet. You are in the Ukraine.
10PM in the hotel. Panning over your five available channels your stomach rumbles, then lurches. The water. You rise. Slowly, with both terror and a strange sort of calm inevitability, you hit the john. Hard. Hot like stinging nettles it comes. You are in the Ukraine.
Television. WWF and Manhunt, are the only Engish shows on. Somewhere in the realm of boredom and trying to keep your spleen in your body you stop living and simply exist. Sometime around 3AM the line between reality and make-believe begins to disappear. You watch WWF and find yourself cheering aloud for Kevin Nash to powerbomb Goldberg and end his 174 match undefeated streak. Then Bret Hart comes in and ruins it. HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!! You are in the Ukraine.
Madness sets in. There is a point in which delerium sets in. Sharpness of thought begins to dull. Perception begins to both erode and at the same time grow perversely bright. It is at this point between bathroom breaks you switch on Manhunt: Search For The Next Male Model. You predict the winner. You are in the Ukraine.
Awaking in cold sweats, you pack your bag for the bus, sinuses stuffed like Jenna in a threeway. Stepping over still more cats, you make your way to the gate, amidst billowing cigarette smoke. You get to your seat, praying for either sleep or death to sweep you away. Change jingles in your pockets, the same metal that failed to set off the metal detectors 45 minutes ago. You feel unsafe. You are in the Ukraine.
Take off in an airplane from about 1954. Sleep ebbs. Your face tightens and your temples throb. Sinus headache 30,000 miles above the Ukraine is your carry-on. You hear splintering ice mixed with an orgy of orca sqeaks and chirps as the pressure builds in your nasal cavity. Staring up you see only black dots and St. Peter beckoning. You are still in the Ukraine, which you now realize is Latin for "Endless Demonic Suffering." You poor sap. The final kick in the nuts is the sound of a harmonica four rows back. He is bad. Your sinus cavity whistles along with it. Hernia inducing pain overcomes you as you finally land.
You hate the Ukraine.
Next article: Israel in a Nutshell.....
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