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March of the Penguins (I wish the penguins just froze to death)
10/05/05
by Clay

March of the Penguins is the first movie I've left before it was over since Little Nicky. This might be the only time these two movies are ever mentioned in the same sentence. I went to see this movie because everyone seems to love it and conveniently Morgan Freeman is the narrator for this movie.

Film them walking, and you've got movie gold bullion.

Morgan Freeman is every white person's favorite black person. If we tell you anything else, we are lying. Getting Morgan Freeman to narrate this movie was the ultimate coup for the penguin people. I guarantee you if anyone else narrated this movie it would have made one-tenth as much money. In fact, right now, the only way the Spider Man franchise could make more money off white people is if Morgan Freeman replaced Tobey McGuire in Spider Man III.

Be still my white heart.

As soon as I heard Morgan Freeman's welcoming voice, I leaned back in my seat expecting to enjoy the movie.

Then the movie started:

1. Ok, ok, the penguins have survived in the most challenging environment in the world. And I get it, when they walk from a distance, they sort of look like people. Guess what, so do giraffes if you film them from far enough away.

2. I suppose the title of this movie should have cued me in to the fact that we weren't going to be following a single penguin, but the fact that every single penguin looks the exact same made it really hard to care about the death of any one single penguin. For the record this is also my problem with all movies starring Chinese people.

3. Penguins are cute. Oh, penguins are so cute. Oh, look at the penguins being so cute. Don't you think the penguins are cute? What are those cute penguins doing? Cutie, cutie penguin pie. Are you annoyed by these sentences yet? If not, then this is your kind of movie. If so, then you should not see this movie since this is essentially what the filmmakers want you to think after every scene. The television sitcom equivalent would be showing old footage of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen on Full House without any sound but blowing wind, with occasional narration by Morgan Freeman: "It was a long tremulous walk for young Michelle Tanner (small pause) and as she gallantly strode across the room (small pause) she was beset by many pratfalls. Fortunately, (small pause) she consumed her juice with a reckless abandon (small pause) befitting the importance of juice to the young."

4. This is the plot of the movie, penguins leave the icy water and walk across the icy land to a place where the ice is thickest where the penguins all stand around and pick out other penguins to mate with, penguins mate (off camera), female penguins lay eggs which they pass to the male penguins, female penguins then walk back across the ice and eat while the men stay with the egg, female penguins then walk back across the ice to meet the male penguins and feed the newborns, male penguins walk back across the ice to eat...at this point I left. Here is what I believe I missed, male penguins walk back across the ice to return to the female and children penguins, all penguins walk back across the ice to the water again.

5. Here's what should have happened at the end: Morgan Freeman meets the penguins. If this happened later in the movie then I take back all my criticisms.

6. Throughout the part of the movie I saw, the narration makes a big deal about how cold the penguins are. I had two major problems with this, a. They are penguins. They live in the Arctic. If they were parrots then you'd have me, ok, the parrots are cold. But not penguins. This is like a movie about dolphins complaining because they're wet. (Incidentally, this would be a box office smash if Morgan Freeman narrated it). b. If they weren't standing outside in the cold, the penguins would be living in the icy depths of the ocean. In fact, isn't water usually colder than the air? Isn't this why human polar bear clubs jump in the water instead of just taking off their clothes and standing around in the cold air. Yet, at no point is there any mention of how cold the water is to the penguins. Maybe I'm stretching a bit here, but could this be because penguins have adapted to the cold?

Now they would be cold.

7. I don't even have anything else to say about this movie. Nothing else happens. I'm just blown away that anyone could sit through this movie. Based on these results, if Morgan Freeman narrated for National Geographic it would be more popular than Desperate Housewives. In fact, what would happen if the Desperate Housewives people replaced the suicidal narrator of Wisteria Lane with Morgan Freeman? I think white people would riot with joy. I really do.

In conclusion, I hated March of the Penguins.

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