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Nonsexual Crushes Explored
10/18/05
by DJ

Come out of the nonsexual crush closet. It's dark and stuffy in there with visions of Barry Bonds, Mike Vick and Matt Leinart dancing in your head. You know you've been waiting. Here's a little help, some words of comfort: A nonsexual crush on another man is OK. You are not alone. I know, the questions are swirling in your head: Are these feelings really nonsexual? Am I normal? What are these feelings based upon? How did this happen? Am I gay? Slow down hombre. We're getting there. There is a very, very fine line between being gay and having a nonsexual crush and it's our job to make this line clear. And we, my male nonsexual crush friends, can help you be certain you stay on the right side of heterosexuality.

Urbandictionary.com defines a nonsexual crush as "an attraction to someone of the same sex for reasons unrelated to sex." This is accurate on its most basic level, but there are still ways you can cross the nonsexual line. We here at DeadlyHippos.com have the rules pretty much defined.

The reason for your nonsexual crush should be covered in one of the following categories. If not there may be deeper issues you need to tackle...or avoid. As a side note, we here at DeadlyHippos have no problems with homosexuals. As a matter of fact this article is an attempt the embolden the line so you can have your team and we can have ours.

1. You should only have nonsexual crushes on people that are famous, cosmically cooler than you and someone you could never dream of being, but if you were that famous, you would be that person. For example Clay has a nonsexual crush on Nick Lachey. This is an acceptable crush because those who know him could actually see him doing the things Lachey does and acting that way, ergo in a fantasy world, it's a semi-attainable fantasy. You can't have a nonsexual crush on let's say, a busboy. Or Simon Rex. That would just be gay.

2. You can have a nonsexual crush on someone of absolute godlike proportions. This rule explains my nonsexual crush on David Beckham. He not only transcends the normal rules of mankind, but also of sports. 70% of women in the world would die to sleep with him. Let's put that into perspective. 7 out of 10 chicks in the entire world would risk life and limb to sleep with him just once. And of that 70t% my boy Becks is picking from the top, the hottest women in the world. Yet at the same time having a nonsexual crush on someone like Brad Pitt (everything Becks is minus sports) would be gay.

DJ' only has nonsexual crushes on Christ figures.

3. You can have a nonsexual crush on on someone doing disrespectful things in the sports world. You follow all their games, you know all their stats. For example, JT has exclaimed several times he would father/mother the child of Lawrence Vickers, Vback for CU. That sounds gay, but whenever you stand up at cheer at the athletic feat of your favorite player and say, "That's my boy!! Hell yeah!!" you are saying the same thing. Also falling into this category are Mike Vick, Barry Bonds, MJ, Shaq, Ray Lewis, and Kobe; all justifiable nonsexual crushes. This is the safest nonsexual crush to have. Either one of the Barber twins, Tiki or Ronde, Tom Brady, or Tom Glavine constitutes blatant homosexuality. Actually if you have a nonsexual crush on anyone named Tiki there is officially a 100% chance that you are gay.

Tom Glavine dares you to have a crush on him.

4. ADDENDUM TO #1: You can only have a nonsexual crush on someone non-famous if you are a complete loser. This is called the George Costanza clause and is admissable in court. Remember when he had the nonsexual crush on Elaine's boyfriend Tony? If you are in that situation where you act like a school girl in the presence of another man (this is borderline boy crush, which is a whole different topic by the way) and change the way you act and dress around someone, it is sad, and the closest to gay you can get without being gay. Clay is defacto non-famous. In Clay's pudding strike days, someone once claimed to have a nonsexual crush on him. That my friends is gay.

5. Having a nonsexual crush on someone strictly based on the lava-like hotness of the girl they are currently rogering (see Lachey, any DeadlyHippo excepting KWo who is too shy to talk to girsl at bars, Becks, and most likely Vickers' sorority harem) is resplendently normal. All these guys do or have the capacity to dally with the hottest 99th percentile of chicks in their region. Not wanting to do that is gay, or extremely lazy.

Ex. for Criterion 5.

6. Having a nonsexual crush on a designer (Isaac Mizrahi, Ralph Lauren) pop singer (Milli from Milli Vanilli) or a chef (Paul Prudhomme) is incontrovertible evidence that you are gay. We said there was a line and here it is.

Having a nonsexual crush is normal under the above parameters. Humans are just that, humans. The only real purpose for humans is to consume and reproduce. Having a nonsexual crush is natural because after all imitation by aspiration is the utmost form of flattery. In the back of our minds we, as men, think idolizing another man will cause some of their hotness to rub off on us, resulting in crazy amounts of ass. So in the back of your mind when you are at the bar hitting on a girl, you aren't Tom, Bob, or Larry. You are Beckham, Lachey, or Vickers. This is why men lie, because from the start they are lying to themselves. Conversely, it is just what the women want to hear anyway, i.e. show me a woman who wouldn't leave your sorry ass in a heartbeat for David Beckham and I'll also show you a damn liar. So who is really being dishonest? It's all about point of view and perception. In this light nonsexual crushes are entirely acceptable. Basically if you view your nonsexual crush as an unattainable superheroes or uber man as it were, then it is OK. In any other light, the shoe just doesn't fit, and it's a red pump. Tell us your nonsexual crushes through gmail or on the message board.*

*This column caused such a fervor among the DH writers that we were compelled to share our internal responses with our readers.

Clay:

I feel like my nonsexual crush on Nick Lachey is well-documented. But I also have a nonsexual crush on Tennessee cornerback Jason Allen.

Clay and Jason share a hatred for men in red shirts.

Tardio:

DJ- Thank you, thank you. A million times thank you. I have been locked in the nonsexual closet for several years now, clawing at the door to get out. I have two huge nonsexual crushes (creating a nonsexual threesome?) that I need to divulge.

1. Phil Mickelson: I mean give me a break. The guy is worth tens of millions of dollars and lives his entire life in the sun. I love it when the commentators say, "This guy is always smiling on the golf course." No sh*t. You'd be smiling, too, if your life was half as good as Phil's. And, I heard his wife was kind of hot...

Tardio will have to share Phil for now.

2. Bruce Willis: This guy is like 65 years old, and he still could have sex with any hot college chick. He's like 5'4", and still a badas*. I read once where he was caught making out with Lindsay Lohan. That might even be illegal. John McLean, You'll always be my number 1 cop.

Shaw:

I resent the specific inclusion of Brad Pitt as a man one can NOT have a nonsexual crush on. What does Nick Lachey have that Brad Pitt doesn't, besides a strangely feminine singing voice? The things I like about Nick (his manliness, refusal to hire movers, hot wife/girlfriend, etc.) are things I would guess to be true about BP too, you just don't know for sure because he has never been on a reality show. I agree there are some men not deserving of nonsexual crushes, but I would use Eric McCormack (Will of "Will & Grace") as my flagship. And if you can't see the difference, then you are blinded by your homophobia.

Brad and Shaw, both able to pull off the beard.

Eric McCormack, not so much.

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