I started on Saturday intending to keep a double game diary of USC-Notre Dame and Florida-LSU since they started at the exact same time. I'm not sure if a double game diary has ever been attempted before, certainly it hasn't been attempted with only one television and limited faith in the Virgin Islands television signals. Regardless, I persevered and the game diary actually begins on Friday night.

1. ESPN news is my favorite station because generally speaking they just give you the top sports stories every fifteen minutes and I don't have to get sucked into hearing what NFL stars John Clayton and Sean Salisbury fellated on Thursday night. Nor do I have to hear Stephen A. Smith demonstrate that you can succeed in the field of sports with an IQ that wouldn't even allow someone to execute you if you committed a murder. And then ESPN news let me down. They were airing the Notre Dame pep rally. (Recall the 27's ruminations on ESPN here)

"However, you can not elec-tro-cute me, because I have an in-tell-i-gence quotient of sixty-three."

2. I'm not sure how long the pep rally was going on but I began watching as some short guy read off the stats of Tim Brown including spending about fifteen minutes on his greatest game against Michigan State in...1987. Then Tim Brown came running across the field from the suburbs of Cleveland. Seriously, is there any reason to make him run onto the field from so far away? Tim Brown looked good though, he was working a matching double silk khaki getup with a shirt so long it would clothe approximately fourteen Africans for a year. He began his rousing speech by inquiring, "What's up ND?" Thousands of white people in the stands looked around uncomfortably because every time a black person says what's up to them, they never have any idea how to respond.

3. Tim Brown leaves and the little guy comes up to the mike again. I'm going to be honest here, I really thought he was the leprechaun. Maybe a vintage leprechaun from way back when Tim Brown was playing for Notre Dame. He keeps rambling on about another Notre Dame player and then Chris Zorich comes running out and gives a speech that demonstrated beyond question that Zorich has never met hyperbole he didn't love. Everything was the best ever, and the most important ever, and the most everlasting, and the eternal, and by the end I really wondered whether it was hyperbole or if Zorich actually believed everything he said. But he did introduce the aging leprechaun. It was Rudy Ruettiger. More commonly known as, "Rudy...Rudy...Rudy."

              

Chris Zorich and Rudy, Rudy, Rudy are the greatest pep rally speakers in the history of the world. At least according to Zorich. For the record Zorich is also pictured above with the greatest runners in the history of the world who are wearing the greatest shorts ever sewn and having their picture taken by the greatest picture taker of all time.

4. My wife Lara calls. I quiz her as to who she thinks is the mc for the Notre Dame pep rally. She has absolutely no idea.

I guess this goes without saying, Lara loved the Cosby show. 

Rudy is so grown up she doesn't need to wear pants anymore.

5. Even still, I think USC should have a pep rally next year before the Notre Dame game in LA and have Rudy from the Cosby show as the mc. 

6. Charley Weis is introduced by Rudy and gives a forgettable speech about the importance of respect. After spending five minutes talking about respect in football, he throws in this great line: "And respect for mankind in general also." Nice summation Charley.

7. Since I didn't have a reader response this week, I'll take this time to throw in a question from a reader, Doug in Georgia:

Doug, this is a great question. After much thought, Weis would have three options: 1. tell the entire media the call off the record 2. blame the kid 3. blame God. I think options 1 and 3 make more sense. If he were at a secular school, option 3 might be required, but at Notre Dame you never blame god...even when you get pregnant for having sex without condoms like He wants. So probably he has to tell the media and hope they actually have souls and don't write too much about the play decision.

8. Ok, you now how I said this was a double game diary, before I get any farther, was anyone else terrified by the Alabama kicker? I can't figure out what it is, but he looks like his title in a movie would be "henchman of the antichrist." And did anyone else love the way he tried to angle in for the interview at the end of the game after he made the winning kick but CBS just sort of bumped him out and didn't ask him anything. Doesn't he know that kickers never get interviewed?

"Whatever else happens I promise you, I will find a way to lose to Tennessee."

9. Ok, ok, on to the double game diary. Florida-LSU is kicking off first. A question, why do Florida cheerleaders wear garter belts?

This is the only picture of a Gator cheerleader in a garter belt I could find on google image search. Enjoy.

10. Per CBS, "The toughest man will win." I don't even need to watch this game...Florida is losing.

11. My buddy Verne Lundquist spends approximately twenty-one minutes explaining that this is the latest "Saturday opener" for LSU since he was not senile. Is this really that important? The home-opener was against UT last month. So what if it was played on a Monday night? This is an important game in it's own right, we don't need Verne to split legal hairs on us. Although I do wish Verne were Bush's Supreme Court nominee.

Verne in happier times.

12. Verne utilizes the word "sartorial" and Todd Blackledge is completely flummoxed. "It's a perfectly fine word," Verne says. For those who did not know sartorial means "relating to the making of clothes, usually men's clothes, or to a way of dressing."

13. Television commercial featuring Michelle Wie. And somebody has to say it sooner or later so it might as well be me, Michelle Wie is developing a pretty nice rack. I know, I know...but it sort of snuck up on me.

You don't have to point, we see them.

14. Notre Dame and USC starts. Notre Dame runs the flea flicker (Right b for the NY Giants on Super Tecmo Bowl). Brady Quinn gets decked and throws a floater that is intercepted.

15. Reggie Bush has a 36 yard touchdown run. The guy who is not Tom Hammond says, Reggie Bush is "the first amendment with hips." As an aside, how bad must it be for that guy calling the game that he's known as the guy who's not Tom Hammond? I can't even find a picture of Tom Hammond on the internet. On the sideline, Reggie Bush calmly rubs lotion into his skin. Lotion? Are you kidding me, how calm is this guy. Pretty soon I think he may exfoliate.

Personally, I think of Reggie Bush as more like the first amendment with legs.

16. The Notre Dame student section is marching in tandem. Ok fine, but if you're going to march then occasionally people get to shoot at you. Isn't that the deal with marching? Otherwise be still, yell, and sneak sips of whiskey out of plastic vials like everyone else in student sections in college. You're watching a football game not advancing on Baghdad. I never thought I would say this, but the Notre Dame student section marching makes the Florida Gator chomp look positively brilliant. And I hate the Gator chomp.

17. Speaking of the Gators, they just gave up a 45 yard touchdown to Jamarcus Russell and LSU. 7-0 LSU

18. Wow, Notre Dame just went for it on fourth down from their own 29. First down.

19. LSU goes off tackle for thirty yards with Joseph Addai and then subsequently Justin Vincent fumbles without being touched. Florida recovers. This is essentially the LSU season so far.

20. The guy who is not Tom Hammond pumps Brady Quinn for the Heisman. It's a good thing NBC is so impartial.

For the gay heisman voters out there, here's Brady Quinn shirtless. I think the guy who is not Tom Hammond isn't going to be able to stand up for a few minutes.

21. Notre Dame touchdown 7-7.

22. Florida running back Deshawn Wynn is bad...and fat.

"I am not fat. Just portly."

23. Matt Lienart to his tight-end for a huge gain. On the play Dwayne Jarrett nearly decapitates a Notre Dame defender with a block. Or as Chris Zorich would put it, "It was the greatest block in the history of college football blocking."

24. USC touchdown 14-7. I'm having some difficulty switching back and forth between games, but so far I don't seem to have missed that much action. Color me pleased.

Everyone knows pleased is really just the color red.

25. Who doesn't love the sweaters on USC cheerleaders? Even not Tom Hammond would probably be impressed.

26. Even though UCLA wasn't involved in my game diary, here's another picture that came up when I google image searched USC cheerleaders. Enjoy...then move to LA.

 

27. Another LSU touchdown 14-0 LSU. Florida is actually bad.

28. Telephone call to the 27 regarding how bad Florida is, "I'm actually embarrassed to have lost to you guys," I say. "Oh man," he says.

The 27 was not pleased early in the LSU-Florida game.

29. Notre Dame's #83 makes a touchdown catch. 14-14 His flowing locks bounce as he celebrates. It takes me a moment to realize who it is. And I was pretty shocked.

My god it's 18th century Romantic poet Percy Bysse Shelley.

30. Chris Leak gets sacked. Florida's offense is horrible. Could it be that I'm actually starting to feel sorry for Chris Leak? Shocked, I push these thoughts into the recesses of my mind.

Don't worry Chris, I still hate you.

31. A white guy from Notre Dame scores on a sixty yard punt return. 21-14 Notre Dame. The 27 calls me, "A white guy," he says, "intriguing."

32. Tracy Wolfson gives a report without video during the LSU-Florida game. My brain is boggled. I demand Erin Andrews, she would never give a report without being filmed doing so.

33. Florida goes for it on 4th down and loses five on a toss play. Urban Meyer is officially losing it.

Apparently, "got the worst offense in college football" was too many words for the shirt.

34. LSU turns the ball over again. LSU has to lead the country in turnovers.

35. A UF male cheerleader gets decked trying to catch a ball out of bounds. In the collision,he doesn't hang on. Incredibly Todd Blackledge and Verne Lundquist tee off on him, "At least he got on television," Blackledge says. You know it's a rough day when Verne and Todd make fun of you. The male cheerleader checks himself to see if he's bleeding approximately forty-five times. No, you're cool...expect you're still a cheerleader.

36. Florida scores on a 32 yard run. Maybe they ought to deck male cheerleaders more often. 14-7 LSU

37. Leinart gets picked off after his pass into the endzone bounces off a Notre Dame helmet.

38. USC's safety destroy's Notre Dame's tight end across the middle. I realize names might help here, but I don't know them.

39. Florida quarterback Chris Leak has 25 yards passing and the first half is almost over. I psyche myself up again to convince myself I still hate him.

40. Halftime and NBC goes to Jimmy Roberts for college football highlights. Everything about NBC and college football seems awkward. Even their studio looks like a coverted loft in Manhattan. I don't buy the fact that anyone at NBC cares about college football at all. Jimmy Roberts gives the highlights of the Alabama-Ole Miss game. It occurs to me that I've never seen Jimmy Roberts do anything that didn't relate to tennis before. If I were Chris Zorich I would say, "Jimmy Roberts is the least southern man to ever give southern football highlights in the history of the world."

41. What? #18 for USC was a child actor and couldn't play football until he was a sophomore because of his acting contract. This deserves much greater exploration unfortunately USC’s website freezes when I try to look him up and remains lodged immobile on my computer screen. I think this might be the game diarist equivalent of playing hurt.

42. Another turnover by LSU. Unfortunately for Florida, Chris Leak is sacked again to end the half. Ok, ok, hate’s such a strong word, I just really don’t like Chris Leak.

43. The announcer who is not Tom Hammond says that USC-Notre Dame is the best college game of the season. Only someone who is not a true college football fan would even think this. Only an idiot would say it. Double checks.

44. Jamarcus Russell makes a horrible pass and it is picked off. If I were an LSU fan, I’d cringe every time he threw the ball.

45. Florida gets a field goal. 14-10 LSU.

46. Notre Dame has the worst college commercial I’ve ever seen about the naming of their new college President. It lasts approximately nine minutes.

Hooray, hooray it’s Notre Dame’s President.

47. USC’s Pete Carroll goes for it on his own 20 and gets a first down. He then allows an assistant coach to kick him in the groin to prove that he actually has balls of steel.

Pictured: Pete Carroll. Not pictured: Balls of steel.

48. Leinart gets picked.

49. LSU coach Les Miles goes for it from his own 35. I’ve been easy on him so far. No longer. He reaches into the top of his ridiculous baseball cap/cowboy cap to pull out the fourth down plays. First down LSU.

Memo to Les Miles: cowboy caps don’t exist..

50. I realize that the Virgin Islands ABC is airing Michigan-Penn State. Oh no, I’m going to try and pull off the triple game diary. 10-3 Michigan.

51. LSU quarterback Jamarcus Russell throws another interception. LSU now has five turnovers. Oh no, it was Joe Cohen of Florida who made the pick.

52. What does Joe Paterno actually do? He’s walking along the sideline without a headset and without a play sheet and no one is talking to him. Hopefully he remembered his adult diapers.

53. Florida scores to take the lead improbably 17-14. The 27 calls as I knew he would, “Joe Cohen,” he says with authority. He has been a Joe Cohen fan for three years and this is the first time Cohen has ever made a play. This is sort of like what being a fan of Brendan Fraser was like when he finally made Crash.

Based on the background, I believe this game was actually played in heaven.

54. Reggie Bush scores to make it 21-21. I’m not going to lie, switching between three games is challenging me.

55. Penn State rips the ball away from Chad Henne and scores a touchdown. Penn State goes up 18-10 after their kicker runs in the two-point conversion following a bad snap. Somehow, I missed the tying touchdown as Penn State has now scored 15 points in 17 seconds. I’m beginning to hit the wrong button on the remote.

56. Todd Blackledge analyzes the LSU turnovers, “Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, this is doing it with a howitzer.”

57. USC has a fifth generation USC student on their football team? How is this even possible, has anyone even lived in California for five generations?

Evidently it’s true, meet Collin Ashton.

58. CBS inexplicably continues to give scores and updates on the close Michigan- Penn State game. Evidently Blackledge and Tracy Wolfson have a wager that whoever loses has to sing the opposing teams fight song. This seems like a pretty weak wager for Blackledge. Basically, if you’re going to wager with Tracy Wolfson, you don’t make her sing if she loses, you make her do a nude cartwheel ending in the splits.

I’m not sure if this is the same Tracy Wolfson or not, but this Tracy Wolfson was also a gymnast at UCLA.

59. USC strips the Notre Dame tightend as he’s streaking down the field in their territory. Huge turnover. And yes rereading this sentence I do realize it sounds like a gay porn movie.

60. Beautiful touchdown pass from Chad Henne to a freshman wide receiver and then a converted two-pointer, 18-18.

61. It occurs to me during a television promo for the new fall shows on NBC that I haven’t watched NBC since Seinfeld ended. This makes me feel superior for a moment and then I start to worry that maybe all those television promos that I never thought I was being influenced by on ABC and CBS are actually working.

62. LSU scores with Joseph Addai to go up 21-17. Immediately thereafter there is a closeup of him on the bench and he appears to be about forty-two.

Ok, ok, so he doesn’t look that old here.

63. There’s just too much happening at once and somehow I find myself caught listening to Lynn Swann talk about something unimportant. Do you think Lynn Swann is afraid of all the hot women who work the sidelines now? Is there any doubt that at the first opportunity ABC will replace him with a chick? In fact the only reason he’s lasted this long might be because he already has a chicks name.

Even laughing at Bush’s bad jokes won’t save your job Lynn.

64. CBS shows the highlight of the Michigan score to tie the game. They might as well be flashing on the screen, change the channel. Blackledge says, “I coach high school basketball and that Mario Manningham beat us on a last second shot last year too.” Before this game, I would have given thousand to one odds on Todd Blackledge telling any story about a high school basketball team that he coached.

Mario Manningham in high school…just before he beat Blackledge’s team.

65. Chris Leak gets sacked again. Ok, I just don’t like him that much.

66. Michigan’s fat kicker Rivas drills a 46 yarder to take the lead 21-18.

Michigan’s fat kicker is overjoyed…free appetizers in Ann Arbor.

67. Notre Dame’s DJ Fitzpatrick makes a field goal to give ND a 24-21 lead. Is there a Fitzpatrick rule at ND? That no matter what else happens there has to be someone named Fitzpatrick on the team. It seems possible.

How shocking would it be if DJ Fitzpatrick were black?

68. LSU has a 2nd and 32. Joseph Addai shakes his head ruefully at what it was like back when he was 32.

69. Florida fair catches a punt at the five. Blackledge gives props to LSU’s punter Chris Jackson. “Hell’s freezing over,” Verne says in a perfect end line before the commercial.

70. Chris Leak gets sacked again about my feelings. I’m officially ambivalent (if one can actually be officially ambivalent).

71. Penn State is driving with two minutes left.

72. Jamarcus Russell proves he is the dumbest quarterback in the SEC by throwing another interception. Fortunately for him, he stepped out of bounds first.

What’s sad is, I think Jamarcus might actually think this is how you spell franchise.

73. Back to Penn State for a fourth down and 7 at the Michigan 39. Scramble for first down by PSU quarterback Robinson.

74. I get nervous I’m going to miss the end of the Penn State-Michigan game so I stop switching back and forth. Somehow, I’ve hit the wrong button on my remote and local Caribbean weather is the flashback button.

75. First down Penn State at the 3. Robinson scores with 53 seconds left off the left end. 25-21 PSU.

76. I make it back to UF-LSU and there is some sort of controversy about whether UF has made a catch or not. I can’t tell what’s going on.

77. I’m starting to feel frazzled. Somehow I’m back on the Caribbean weather channel.

78. Michigan returns the kick to the 47.

79. Florida receiver Dallas Baker gets a bad pass interference call against him. Florida has a 3rd and 20. Ok, ok, I feel sorry for Chris Leak. Chris Leak’s experience in this game is the same mine would be if someone gave me a wrench and said go fix this engine. And I kept coming back and saying, I can’t fix this engine with that wrench. And I kept getting sent back out to the car engine with the wrench and beating around the engine and continuing to fail. At some point, the sheer perseverance becomes admirable. But nothing’s changing. Clearly I’m not fixing that car engine, and clearly Chris Leak and Florida are not going to be successful running this offense. Urban Meyer is single handedly ruining Chris Leak before our very eyes. Also, I know nothing about cars and apologize for the bad analogy.

80. 18 seconds are left and Michigan has the ball at the 16. Why do they have only two wide receivers in? Here are their plays a. a pass into the flat that is incomplete (why even attempt this) b. pass to the 10 (why again) c. incomplete pass to the five (there is one second left) Michigan calls timeout. I decide to check Florida-LSU for just a second.

81. I get crossed up in my television channels while waiting for a commercial to end. Just as I see the King of Queens commercial, I realize my error.

And the worst thing about the King of Queens commercial was that it featured the fat guy and not Leah above.

82. Michigan scored. I blew it. Missed it completely. Lloyd Carr is a genius with his play calling.

83. I realize I haven’t checked ND and USC in forever. Worse, I’ve somehow forgotten what the station number is. At last I manage to find USC, USC is somehow leading 28-24 having scored in my absence.

84. LSU’s 42-year-old running back Joseph Addai runs out of bounds with 1:14 left to stop the clock. This wouldn’t be nearly as big of a mistake if he were say…twenty.

85. Notre Dame’s Darrius Walker runs into a tuba. First down at the 8 for Notre Dame.

This may or may not actually be Darius Walker with a saxophone. It showed up under his name on google image search. Unfortunately there were no pictures of him with the tuba.

86. Chris Leak is sacked for the sixth time. I officially feel sorry for him. I would have never believed that I could ever feel sorry for Chris Leak. Who would have guessed that Urban Meyer’s high-flying offense would come to Florida and bring not points, yards, and glory but sympathy for Leak.

87. Brady Quinn scores a rushing touchdown to give ND a 31-28 lead. Two minutes left.

88. LSU wins, Les Miles says,” It’s as ugly a victory as there is.” But at long last there is only one game left.

89. 4th and 9 for USC with 1:32 left. Oh my god, Matt Leinart audibles into a fade and completes it for a 64 yard gain. Just wow. Words cannot do Leinart’s gumption justice. Nor can using the word gumption.

90. USC runs Bush with no timeouts and gets a first down at the two that stops the clock. Gutsy call.

91. Leinart scrambles and approaches the goal line. Fumbles out of bounds. The ref signals the clock to stop, but the Notre Dame student section spills onto the field. One of USC’s coaches tries to call timeout even though they have none. It seems like all of South Bend is on the field now. For the first time all season Charley Weis looks stunned.

92. Pete Carroll gives the grounding the football sign. The idiot sitting beside Tom Hammond buys it. “They’re going to ground the football,” he says, even though the clock is already stopped.

93. Leinart is stopped…then not stopped…then shoved in by Reggie Bush. Pandemonium on the field. The 27 calls, “Matt Leinart has the biggest balls on earth,” he says and he is absolutely right. I feel like Nick Lachey needs to greet Matt Leinart back in LA and just hand him over Jessica Simpson for the night without saying a word.

                      

94. I am completely drained. The triple game diary has both done me in and proved beyond a shadow of doubt that college football is the greatest sport in America. I think even Chris Zorich would agree.

“College football is the greatest sport in the greatest country on the greatest continent on the greatest planet in the greatest universe in the entire world.”