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Israel in a nutshell 10/14/05 by DJ

Before I went to Israel, I was apprehensive. All you read about is the suicide bombings and chaos in the Holy Land. Let me tell you about it: it's pretty damn cool. Israel is roughly the size of New Jersey, and has the climate of Forida. My apartment was 4 miles from the beach, and I got a chance to see what Clay's life is like. Life is great when you live on the beach. The sand was white and water was 75 F. Fantastic. I was also amazed at the modernization and archtecture. Less than 60 years ago Hitler wiped out almost every working age orthodox Jew, yet most of Tel-Aviv is remarkably well constructed, inclduding the airport which is beatiful.

1. From the beginning I was worried about my flight. I flew on El Al Airlines, which I heard is one of the most secure airlines in the world. The first thing I noticed in LAX was the security guards. They had guns. Huge ones. Like the GI Joe ones that dwarf the person carrying it. They made the guys in "Predator" look like rent-a-cops. This one dude had a forearm about the size of a Christmas ham. And the dog they had looked like a wolverine/pit bull hybrid. They had fangs.

2. I will say this though. I thought the days of hot stewardesses (pl. stewardi?) were long gone. In the US, this is the case. Not so much in Israel. The following is an equation that is only decipherable to resident mathmatician Shaw and of course myself. I concluded the followig: 80% of the women working for El-Al Airlines look better than 75% of the women working for every US airline combined. Actually, it might not be that hard.

3. To ACC basketball fans, a guy on my team was none other than Tamir Goodman, aka the Jewish Jordan. He left Maryland after Coach Williams renegned on his promise to honor his practice of celebrating Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest on Saturday. He is still good. Imagine a Jewish J-Will. Read about his hype here.

4. Before meeting Goodman, the only thing I knew about Shabbos was what I had learned from "The Big Lebowski". If you have never seen this movie, you should be beaten within an inch of your life, weaned back to health, then beat again. A sample:

Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death...
The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic...
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Walter Sobchak: And you know this!
The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...
[shouting]
Walter Sobchak: You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!

---

Walter Sobchak: I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!
Donny: What's Shabbos?
Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!

5. Israel has the worst drivers in the history of mankind hands down. They seem to always be undecided as to which lane to drive the speed of light in. If you are at a red light and you don't go the INSTANT it turns green then you will suffer a barrage of horn blasts and Hebrew curses.

6. Liquor of there is so cheap. At a liquor store I saw a large bottle of vodka priced $3.95. Yes you read it correctly. It was at this moment I was glad that JT wasn't present, whose drinking habits closely rival Sid Vicious. JD and Jim was $9 for the handle. I began thinking I could get used to this place. Food there is fantastic as well if you get used to Kosher eatery.

At this juncture I will answer reader questions that have flooded in from our loyal readers.

Did you see anybody with WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets on? Frank, Tustin, CA

Oddly enough no. I thought about this at length and surmised that Israel is the ultimate religious place for Jews. It would be like wearing the T-shirt of the band you are going to see, since you live there already. Or wearing a replica Pope hat if you lived in Vatican City. You just don't want to be that guy.

Did players wear yamulkes during games? JT, LTC, CO

Only the orthodox Jews, such as Tamir Goodman. You can't take it off as a sign of humility towards God. But i did see stylish ones like the hypnotize circle ones (ala Rage Against the Machine's CD design) which I suppose would be useful if you were break dance fighting.

What is Tel-Aviv like? I heard they have sic parties and clubs. How are the chicks? Megan, Ft. Myers, Fla

Wow a girl asking about girls. Most all the girls are very pretty....and very pregnant; wombs logey with child. This is because all the girls are ten times hotter than the guys and the fellas know this. So they get them pregnant fast in order to keep them. It is the exact inverse of the baby lottery ticket that chicks to athletes in the US. If Canada is America's top hat, and Europe is America's chessboard, then Tel-Aviv is truly America's cufflinks. It's like old Vegas except on the beach. It's like another US city, mostly tourists or Americanized Israelis, not many orthodox Jews, and everything is cheap. I would trade Gary, Indiana for Tel-Aviv any day.

In the words of NIrvana, all apologies to those emails I overlooked, but I didn't want this to be drawn out. Well that's about it. Israel was the anti-venom to my Ukraine experience. I give it two thumbs way up. If you have ever been there, or have any comments on Israel, feel free to gmail us or post a message.

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