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Fake names: Not just for strippers
10/04/05
by JT

Some people desire to hide their true given names, it is a necessity of their jobs. These poor souls were birthed to names so displeasing, that to use them would bring a certain demise to their potentially lucrative careers. I am not talking about Peter Parker, Clark Kent or even your kindly neighborhood strippers, who represent the other major business in which false identities are a must. These people are more popular, famous even. I'd like to share with you some examples of these haplessly named individuals by starting with their god given names and a brief description of who you would expect them to be (or at least what I would expect them to be... and my word is law), then I will reveal their true identities and their dilemma will be unmasked:

Artis Ivey Jr.

Sounds like-

Regional spelling bee champion in 8th grade. Now he is the manager at the local Office Depot, drives a 2001 Kia Sorento and is married to a mail order bride. He spends most nights shopping ebay for vintage He-Man dolls and plays chess online against his Cambodian email pal. Took a vacation to Cancun during Spring Break and spent the entire trip hiking the Chichen Itza ruins.

True Identity-

Coolio
Former 90's gangsta rapper from Compton who is most famous for his song Gangsta's Paradise and the resulting feud with Weird Al Yankovic after he parodied the song. Also known for hair which closely resembles mating garter snakes.

 
Coolio's real name is Artis Ivey... after looking at him it's not much of a surprise actually

Earl Simmons

Sounds like-

He drives an 18 wheeler. Lives in Alabama with his wife, 9 kids and 3 huntin' dogs. Spends most of his money on cases of PBR, Red Man tobacco, and attending professional wrestling events. Owns a t-shirt that says "Nickel Mustache Rides." Likes to brag to friends about his TV appearance on the show "Cops - Montgomery." Once met former governor George Wallace while pumping his gas.

True Identity -

DMX
A hardcore rapper from Yonkers who has had more than his fair share of run-ins with the law. Included in his rap sheet are; robbery, drug possession, a stabbing accusation, a shooting accusation, weapons possession, cruelty to animals, another drug possession (in which when turning himself in he was booked for a third drug possession for the pack of marijuana cigs he brought to the police station with him), contempt of court, and finally assault of a prison officer. He also has 4 platinum selling albums.

Would you make fun of Earl? Neither would I

Inga Marchand

Sounds like-

Inga could be the jolly old german woman at the local bakery. A rather portly lass with rosey red cheeks, a voluminous smile, and an accent you can't quite understand. She is quick to give out man strength hugs and boisterous kisses on the cheek that leave you reeling. She stands uncomfortably close to you while talking and her breath smells with a hint of sauerkraut. She can most likely still beat you in an armwrestling match even though she is in her mid 60's and tries to mask her dislike for jews, gypsies and pollocks.

True Identity -

Foxy Brown
Along with Lil' Kim one of the pioneers of the X-rated female rap boom of the late 90's. Her debut album was entitled "Ill Na Na," in reference to her apparently potent vaginal skills. One of the few female rappers who actually has lyrical talent... and she is hot.

Inga Merchant	Not Inga Merchant

Elgin Lumpkin

Sounds like-

A chronic masturbator and relentless player of Dungeons and Dragons. Considers himself the "Dungeon Master" and often goes out to bowling alley bars pretending to be characters from the game. Doesn't own a car but can be seen driving around town in his blue Vespa while wearing a cape. He can't muster up the strength to do a single pull-up and lives in his basement apartment off a steady diet of uncooked hot dogs, Mountain Dew Code Red, and Ho-Ho's. Works nights in a call center selling newspaper subscriptions.

True Identity -

Ginuwine
Known best for his song "Ride My Pony" and for dance moves rivaled only by Turbo and Ozone. Widely considered a large sex symbol in the mid-90's, especially amongst female R&B fans. Not fond of shirts.

Is he still sexy now that you know his name is Elgin Lumpkin?

Stanley Burrell

Sounds like-

The 29 year old assistant manager at Kenny's Shoes in your local strip mall. Wears fake designer clothes and tells all of his co-workers that he is a ladies man. He is not. During his lunch and coffee breaks he walks around the strip mall offering to buy underaged girls alcohol and a ride in his Pontiac Grand Am. He likes to be called "Big Stan" or "Stan the Man." He once sat next to that actress who played Jessie Spano on an airplane and claimed that he got her phone number. He lives in his parents basement and spends the majority of his income at strip clubs and on Anime Porn. Never finished high school.

True Identity -

MC Hammer
The late 80's/ early 90's rap phenomenon whose album "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" sold over 10 million copies in 1990 alone. Is widely known for dancing his ass off in baggy parachute pants that he could actually use as a parachute in the event of an emergency. The emergence of NWA and gangsta rap put an immediate stop in his career resulting in Hammer filing for bankruptcy.

Stanley is 2 Legit 2 Quit wearing his suspenders

Who is Clifford Smith?

Sounds like-

He lives in Ohio and works in printer repairs. Spends most of his free time making model trains and playing lasertag in full camoflage at the local funplex while ogling high school girls and occasionally eating curly fries. His favorite all time movies are The Land Before Time and any movie featuring Mr. Bean. He drives a beige Dodge Stratus while singing along to his old Ace of Base and C & C Music Factory cassettes. As of his 36th birthday he still has not had a girlfriend.

Who is he really?

Method Man
The most famous member of the Wu Tang Clan is known as much now for his acting as his rapping. A drug user of epic proportions.

Clifford loves the Ganj

Who is Alvin Joyner?

Sounds like-

Works at a data processing firm just outside the city, and is dating Jane from accounting. Co-workers claim they make a "handsome pair." Plays the clarinet in his local community center orchestra. Is the vice president of the VW Beetle driver's club, Vermont chapter. He and his girlfriend enjoy going to the planetarium and watching classic movies.

Who is he really?

XZibit
Rapper and host of MTV's popular show "Pimp My Ride". Is friends with Snoop, Dre and Eminem. He never had a hit record but was featured on a few of Dre and Snoop's songs. He is much more recognized as a TV host.

Alvin Joyner - your name has officially been pimped!

Fake names are a product of the hip hop profession. While some have succeeded with the knowledge of their true identities known (Mike Jones, Obie Trice, Marshall Mathers) most simply would not be able to sell any records using their true names. This leaves them in a predicament like that of the stripper, you wouldn't buy a lap dance from Nancy... but when her name is "Cheyenne", "Destiny", or "Porsche" you're spending more money than Trick Daddy (real name Maurice Young) in Miami's Deja Vu.

If you are one of the many who smirk at the names of rappers and R&B singers, perhaps this helps shed some light on their plight. Who out there would buy a single entitled "Same O.G." by someone named Elgin Lumpkin? Or "Gangsta's Paradise" by Artis Ivey Jr.? Or an album called "Ill Na Na" by Inga Marchant? Not many. So next time you are laughing at the riduculous name of a new up and comer in the rap game, take a moment to think, and to realize that his real name is probably much worse.... and then make fun of him.

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