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NBA Dress Code
10/25/05
by JT

Well it happened. Despite endless debate from the genius minds occupying sports radio, the NBA announced it's new dress code this week requiring all NBA players to wear suits or business casual attire at any NBA events or functions. This means players will no longer be able to wear:

(I have a feeling that the fines incurred this season by Allen Iverson for violating this code will end up more than his rather sizeable annual income)

This again sparked a new round of mindless rhetoric over the airwaves declaring the dress code as a terrible agenda. They claim it is age-ist, racist, and violates basic human freedoms. As Walter Sobchak would say, "This affects all of us man, they're our BASIC FREEDOMS! I'm stayin.... I'm finishing my coffee.... enjoying my coffee."

I for one couldn't agree more. First of all, no one should ever wear a sleeveless shirt anywhere unless it is part of your athletic uniform and you are in the game, or you are a hot woman with a flattering mammary region. That being said, I thoroughly believe that this dress code will have irreperable negative effects on the image of the NBA. Here are some examples:

1.) Most NBA players have execrable taste in suits. Have you seen an NBA draft? These unfortunate souls seem to believe that high fashion lies somewhere in the gray area between zoot suits and oversized pajamas. Pinstripes are a near necessity and the colors are so loud that they would make Helen Keller cover her ears and cower in fear. Case in point:

2. "Business casual" is a too loosely defined term. What you and I know as business casual can in many cases be read as something completely different to your average NBA player. Many have never been involved in any sort of a business environment and the results can be catastrophic:

3. Some of the more educated and humorous members of the league may take advantage of the rules resulting in some pretty funny getups. As one reader emailed me:

"the intelligent people will wear a suit, but make that sh*t look stupid. Imagine Greg Ostertag going to Mervyn’s or JC Penny and buying a suit for a person who is 6’3 and wearing it to the game, God I can’t wait." T-Jones

Thanks for the email T-Jones and I couldn't agree with this more. My only question is, how long will it be before someone like Scott Pollard or David Harrison shows up to a game dressed up like Matt Foley, Chris Farley's motivational speaker who lived in a van down by the river? Because you know it will happen. At least I pray it will.

4. Drew Gooden. It may be because this man went to Kansas University leading me to despise him eternally, but check out the suit he wore for his initial press junket after being drafted by the Memphis Grizzlies. And unfortunately the dress code will prohibit him from covering the malformed yellow egg marauding as his head. Young children waiting at games will shreik in sheer terror when this visage arrives at the arena. Please David Stern... allow this man to cover his head and taste in clothes with a team warmup or something... for the love of God.

5. Many NBA athletes come from some of the worst neighborhoods and ghettos in America. Unfortunately this may mean that their only exposure to a suit is those that were worn by their neighborhood pimps. The results of this could prove to have a negative effect on the dress code.


Imagine this suit sans hat and sunglasses

As you can see the results of this dress code may very well give David Stern the opposite results that he had intentioned. There could be a day in the near future when he is longing for the time of throwback jerseys, icy chains, jean shants that end at the ankles, and G-Unit sneaks. Either way tune in early in the season because what the players wear to the games this year could be just as entertaining as what they do during them.

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