From the time I was six until I was sixteen, Tennessee didn’t beat Alabama. During this time, I learned important life lessons such as “Cursing in front of your parents can get you grounded,” and “Punching walls is not that smart.”  I also learned that come fall the color crimson is a putrid hue. But for nine of the last ten seasons victory has been on the Tennessee Volunteers side, and so it was with some confidence that I embarked upon a game diary for Tennessee-Alabama.

1. At eleven this morning, I received a first ever trash talk trans-Atlantic telephone call from DJ in Spain. “This is trans-Atlantic trash-talk,” DJ said.  Then for good measure, “UT sucks.” Then for really good measure, “I’ve got five MTV’s.” Or in Laguna Beach terms, LC could be 510% (102%*5) over Steven.

Pictured: DJ
Not Pictured: Spain

2. Since we didn’t get a chance to do reader response questions last week, I’m going to a sprinkle a few in here early at the beginning. “Are you going to be a big-shot now that you are writing for CBS Sportsline?” Mike

Well, Mike that all depends on whether my intern can remember that I like Sunkist orange soda not Minute Maid orange soda and that no matter what excuses he might have under no circumstances am I to ride in any vehicle smaller than a Lincoln Town Car. Also he must remember to rotate my Lil Bow Wow ringtones so the same song isn’t ringing for over a week. Assuming these challenges are met, I promise to still be the same game diarist you’ve all grown to detest.

Evidently this cat was named after Lil Bow Wow as it appeared on google image search. Travis rule: If you’re a rapper and people name cats after you, you better have a big entourage.

3. Time for some brutal honesty, I’m a little bit nervous about how this game diary is going to turn out because my usual contacts are extremely scattered. Weatherholt and Tardio are traveling together to Oxford to watch Kentucky-Ole Miss. This makes them two of approximately forty-two Kentucky fans who are making this trek.  During a Friday night telephone call Weatherholt informed me that he wanted no updates on scores should I decide to call him during the Kentucky-Ole Miss game because Junaid is taping LSU-Auburn and Alabama-UT in Memphis. “I’m serious, no scores,” he said. Further Junaid is attending a wedding for his step-sister. This might be a hugely bad omen.

4. Kevin emailed in a question about UT’s offense that was based on Phil Fulmer’s quotes after the Georgia debacle. He also had pictures with funny captions but somehow the pictures didn’t come through.

My answer: Personally, there is no live animal I would feel comfortable comparing our offense to. This is because live animals have cognitive ability. Also, Fulmer needs to work on his similes. Chameleons are great and all but don’t they change colors to hide from predators. So basically, Fulmer is saying our offense runs and hides whenever we play an opponent. Actually, maybe this is a great simile after all. I like D. but I think Alabama’s kicker, Jamie “the anti-christ’s henchman” Christensen is more likely to stab Fulmer.

5. Junaid calls me for our pregame chat where we make sure if Phil Fulmer calls either of us seeking advice we are on “message.” “The wedding is at four,” he says, “clearly I wasn’t consulted on scheduling.”

Junaid still loves puppies, trees, and discussing why Randy Sanders should be fired.

6. UT v. Alabama begins “All things old become new again” per Verne Lundquist. Is this cliché really true at all? Don’t all old things actually die (people/animals) or at least stay really old (Egyptian pyramids). “Tennessee, struggling, searching for salvation,” per Verne again. Bum bum bum bum bum da da da da. Ok, so I’m tone deaf. I think Verne just got back from a church retreat.

7. Fulmer is “The Most Hated Man in Alabama.” Interesting because previously I thought the most hated man in Alabama was the Underground Railroad’s Harriet Tubman (astute readers will note that Harriet Tubman is not actually a man but my love for Harriet Tubman transcends mere formalities like gender.)

Do you think the photographer said: “Ok, give me somber.” 

8. “UT has wilted, Alabama has blossomed like a flower,” says Verne. Somewhere Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave. CBS misses a golden opportunity to pan the camera over Verne holding a dead flower in one hand and a live flower in the other. Somebody should put me on the production staff.

     

My man Verne and some other guy holding flowers.

9. What happened to Todd’s “Ledger?” Has this feature been abandoned? Maybe it was just me but without the “Ledger” I couldn’t keep up with Todd’s key points.

10. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice flips the coin and ‘Bama wins. Blackledge points out that she is wearing a red shirt. First Madeleine Albright on Gilmore Girls and now Rice at a football game. How hip is foreign policy? Also a reader from Alabama (yes there are some) “Stretch” had this to say about Rice’s coin flip: “Best thing you did not see on TV: as Condoleeza Rice walked to midfield for the coin flip, there was basically a dull applause in the stadium. Then, like a beam of sunlight breaking through the clouds, one lone, horny, intoxicated, conservative voice screamed out, "HAVE MY BABY, CONDI!!!" I am fairly certain that CBS did not pick that up.”

Oh no, we have to start on offense at the 10.

12. I like it. Riggs three runs in a row.

13. Tracy Wolfson, “Vols have healed their souls,” during the bye week. Evidently the entire CBS crew went on the prayer retreat.

I think Junaid and Tracy Wolfson had the same photographer.

14. Roll Tide guys look ridiculous. Ok, so you have a toilet paper roll and a Tide box. Once, maybe twice this is funny. But for the entire twenty-years of my fandom? Welcome to Alabama where even traditions that demonstrate you are an idiot continue forever.

Tide box, check. Toilet paper, check. Sex in the last century…not so much.

15. Weatherholt calls from the Ole Miss game, “I can’t believe I bought tickets for this game,” he says.

16. August Busch IV commercial. Does anyone else actually believe he goes to any of the places his commercials take him? Or even knows a minority for that matter?

“And when I got out of the tanning bed, my eyes were still white. Trey and the Deuce from prep school are going to absolutely murder me with their witticisms.”

17. Did Verne just say that Prothro remains hospitalized? If so, that’s horrible.

18. Big turnover. Alabama’s DJ Hall fumbles. Inky Johnson with the huge play causing the fumble. Somewhere in Colorado JT kicks his dog.

19. Flip over to Texas Tech-Texas in time to see Jack Arute wearing the most stylish sunglasses any sideline reporter has ever worn. I think they are Rayban’s newest model: “If you even think about wearing these glasses and aren’t a millionaire we will kill you.”

Arute looked sort of like this chick…or not.

20. Damn Georgia almost got beat by Arkansas. For the record, I hate Georgia.

21. Jason Allen on the sideline. Be still my heart.

22. Huge screen gain to Chris Hannon on third and plus ten. Nice call.

Like this plus a helmet.

23. Great catch by Jayson Swain to the nine.

24. North Carolina beat UVa, 7-5? Can that possibly be correct? I just hope UVa didn’t walk the winning run.

25. Inexcusable fumble by Riggs. Wallace Gilberry with the recovery. Unfortunately for him, his name remains Wallace Gilberry.

What a pleasant smile.

26. Verne sets up a game update and then there is no game update. There is an awkward silence. Then Verne blames Tim Brando for the mishap.

Perhaps Tim Brando was too busy hanging out with the Survivors?

27. The anti-christ’s henchman Jamie Christensen is wide left from 50.

This baby came up when I google-image searched anti-christ. Just to be safe, I think we should go ahead and take this kid down.

28. Nic Cage in all leather. Am I the only one who can’t wait for the new Letterman show?

29. Erik Ainge is in at quarterback. Immediately he guns one wide out of bounds at Mach 2. Please don’t show that LSU interception again CBS…Please don’t show that LSU interception again…Damn, there it is. It remains the worst interception ever thrown in the history of college football.

20. My wife Lara suggests all three Clausen’s might have one full head of hair.

21. Fat guy is the L in Alabama, good for the fat guy.

22. Some girl in a jean skirt is going crazy with the Horns sign. The camera isn’t close enough to tell if she’s hot or not.

23. Alabama linebacker Demeco Ryans is on the runway as the second quarter begins. They have about fifty close-ups in a row of him. Let’s be honest, I don’t think Derek Zoolander is losing any sleep at night.

Crimson steel? Hah, I laugh at you.

24. George W. Bush sends letter to injured Tyrone Prothro. And here I though W. didn’t care about black people.

From W. Message: “I care.”

25. On the final drive at Ole Miss, CBS flashes three Alabama quotes. Who was out there with them Boswell? The best from fullback McClain: “Where is your heart at?” The answer, according to my mother, is always behind the preposition.

Surprisingly, Boswell was in the huddle on the final drive at Ole Miss.

26. CBS is caught off guard as the yellow line is moving as Alabama snaps the ball to go for it on fourth down. Keep moving yellow line. Keith Brown of Bama drops the ball.

27. Rick Clausen is back in and Arian Foster has suddenly channeled Jamal Lewis.

Do we really need to run the reverse here? Loss of 12 with Lucas Taylor.

28. Britton Colquitt punts into the endzone again. He has to lead the league in this.

Need thirty? This leg’s got 50 baby.

29. Big UT sack on third down. Finally some serious pressure.

30. Wow. Lucas Taylor with the best punt return of the year. The entire time he was running with the ball I was screaming, “Just go down.”

31. Fourth and 2. Don’t let Colquitt punt. He’ll put it into the scoreboard. We go for it and the ball goes right through Bret Smith’s hands without him even touching it.

Why oh why have you forsaken me Bret?

32. Lara says, “That’s not a regular Smokey dog.” I have no idea what she means.

33. Brodie Croyle slams his mouthpiece after missing a wide-open receiver in the end zone. Mouthpiece mutters, “What did I ever do to you?”

Brodie Croyle sans mouthpiece.

34. Huge sack. Time for another punt. I am standing and cheering. Lara says, “This is the most boring game I have ever seen.”

35. Verne makes double errors in two minutes, first sending us to a commercial break, except we don’t go then,  “How I met your mummy” instead of “How I met your mother.” Hunker down now Verne.

36. Touchdown Texas. 24-10. Lara wants Texas to change their cheerleading uniforms. “They’re horrible,” she says.

37. 0-0 at the half. I don’t remember the last time I watched a game and it was 0-0 at the half.

38. One of those PGA, college football commercials comes on and one of those golfers I don’t know says about Florida State, “We have the flaming spear.” Is the Flaming Spear not the greatest gay porno name ever?

39. Vampire Bats promo. Verne does it with huge enthusiasm. A solid bounce back performance. “One does what one is asked to do,” Verne says. Blackledge deadpans, “One bites the bullet so to speak.”

40. UT with a big stop to begin the second half. According to Verne this is the first time Alabama hasn’t scored to begin the second half.

41. What a run by Arian Foster. Wow. Huge first down.

42. Ok, there is no doubt about it, I am watching Vampire Bats. In fact, let’s make this the first ever deadlyhippos movie viewing party. It will be sort of like Oprah’s book club except minus the books and plus a horrible television movie.

You have to read the plot and character descriptions. My favorite, Dr. Melissa Caudle as: Reluctant parent.

43. Alabama fumbles the punt. Remember the Travis rule. Fair catch all punts. Luckily for Alabama they recover. As a bonus Colquitt finally keeps the ball out of the endzone when punting from inside his own fifty.

44. UT’s defense holds Alabama inside the ten. Bama to punt from endzone. Of course, there’s a penalty against UT for a block in the back. There goes the field position.

45. Great punt by Colquitt. That’s my man the crazy punter. It occurs to me that a ton of this game diary is just describing punts.

46. Croyle misses another wide-open receiver, DJ Hall, for what would have been a touchdown. All over Alabama fathers reconsider having named their sons born in September and early October Brodie.

47. Croyle is smashed for a sack by UT’s Jason Hall.

48. I think Alabama punter Schatz is actually ten years old. Imagine how good he’s going to be once he gets past puberty.

Schatz’s class photo from Mrs. Purdue’s fifth-grade class.

49. Fumble on the punt by Lucas Taylor. Fair catch…fair catch…fair catch. Is it only Tennessee that always fumbles punts? Huge for field position.

50. Jesse Mahelona barely touches an Alabama player who subsequently tumbles over as if smote by the hand of God. Astonishingly, Verne misses an opportunity to mention Mahelona is from Hawaii.  Per Alabama fan Stretch:“There was a vicious and virulent strain of anti-Mahelonaism at work in the stands. On one particularly nondescript play, someone behind me abruptly started screaming, "F--- you, Mahelona!!!" This baffled me, in that out of all the Tennessee players, my comrades chose to belittle a defensive lineman. Then I remembered (thanks to my DH reading) that HE IS FROM HAWAII. The University of Hawaii beat us a couple of years ago. But then again, this is the same drunken fan who bellered out "F--- TV!!!" when a television timeout on the field carried on past his liking.”

51. The anti-christ’s henchman gives Alabama a 3-0 lead to end the third quarter. His nickname is Money. Wow, very original. I guess this replaced his previous nickname of Beazelbub.

52. I think that commercial about terrorists is on again where all the kids stare forlornly into the camera. Either that or CBS has a camera in Tennessee offensive coordinator Randy Sander’s house.

53. Sweet Home Alabama remix is on for Brodie Croyle. If Alabama wins this game, later on tonight Croyle will be singing this song with a whiskey bottle and eight sorority girls manhandling him. Actually this will probably happen whether Alabama wins or not. Basically, Brodie Croyle’s Saturday night is going to be better than yours and mine.

“And then what happened Brodie…Gosh, you’re so dreamy.”

54. Lucas Taylor makes up for the punt error. Decent field position. Every UT fan is in shock that we advanced past the 25 on a kick return. Time to score boys.

55. What a catch by Jayson Swain. Clausen throws it as far as he can…this means the ball traveled approximately thirty-five yards.

“Why a y in Jayson, Mom? Why?”

56. Another fumble by UT. Good god. We recover it. “Oh boy,” Blackledge says. Indeed.

57. I’m torn on whether we should just run the ball and take a field goal. Timeout Clausen.

58. Tennessee draw makes the first appearance. Gain of nine. We have to take a field goal.

59. Somehow we get a delay of game. Hopefully that was intentional.

60. Wilhoit drills it. We’re tied. 3-3. Wilhot and Trooper Taylor chest bump. Wilhoit is the whitest black kicker Trooper Taylor has ever known. Behind them Phil Fulmer exhales.

More importantly, all of Hobbiton and the Shire is safe.

61. Croyle is collared and sacked on a blitz. Immediately thereafter Croyle calls timeout. I apologize for using the word thereafter in a game diary.

62. Croyle sacked again on third down. Almost a facemask, but that hit looked painful.

63. “I’m hurting too, let’s get it done,” great quote from Clausen to Riggs via a non-filmed Tracy Wolfson.

I think the camera is hurting too.

64. Huge run for first down by Foster. This kid has come out of nowhere.

65. Gerald Riggs makes a play. Great run off left tackle to inside the five. All across Alabama remotes meet the floor of the double wide.

Where the remotes hit the floor.

66. Fumble out of the back of the endzone by Cory Anderson. This is the most painful sentence I have ever written. Just shocking. He looked like he was going to score. Whiskey bottles are breaking all across Tennessee.

67. Who in the world is Antonio Gaines and why is he in the game at DB? Brodie Croyle hits DJ Hall over Gaines for a 43-yard gain.

This might be Antonio Gaines…only he is in high school and running with the football.

68. Bama gets a first down. We have to rely on them to miss a field goal. Time will be negligible at the end of the game.

69. 18 seconds left for the henchman of the anti-christ. Oh man, this is just a chipshot. We also learn the “Money” keeps a one dollar bill taped to his shin. This is just too much.  Per Alabama fan Stretch: “By the way, you were absolutely right about our kicker, Jamie Christensen. I have seen him on campus several times, and let me tell you this: He is approximately 100-200 times scarier in street clothes than in his uniform. Maybe we can cast him as the villain in the Deadly Hippos movie?”

70. Kick is good. “He’ll have a date for homecoming.” Not a bad line by Blackledge. Amidst the bedlam Verne inexplicably becomes focused on the attendance at the game of British foreign secretary Jack Straw.

Jack Straw. I think he and Verne were frat brothers.

71. The Virgin Islands television reception goes out.

72. Verne informs us that Jesse Mahelona is from Hawaii. I thought the game was going to end without this.

73. Per Verne: “Ainge in for the strength of his arm.” Can he throw it 95 yards in the air?

74. Wolfson interviews the kicker. CBS has officially hit a new low.

75. Final thought, there’s nothing worse than losing when you give the game away. I had completely forgotten the dull burn that comes from losing to Alabama when you should have won.

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