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The CBS movie VAMPIRE BATS
11/02/05
by the staff of DeadlyHippos.com

Background (DJ)

Since I am unable to actually watch this movie, I watched the clips available online, read the synopsis, studied the cast and their backgrounds, and came up with an overall (although preconceived) assessment of this TV movie:

Bank Account < Past Due Notices = Vampire Bats

There is no other explaination. I felt like I was scouting a bad team. It was the equivalent of USC watching game film on Cornell. Coming into it I was skeptical given the history of TV movies: also bad. It was written by Doug Prochilo who wrote another TV movie "Locusts" (not good) and directed by Eric Bross, who directed "Kojak" and "Traffic"....in TV mini series form. After watching the trailer and the clips, which you can watch here. I was only impressed with one thing: Post-Xena Lucy Lawless looks good. Made for TV good, as she is a veteran in this area. One would think that your advertised clips are the higlights of the movie. Looking at these, I was hoping these weren't the best points. Logic dictates otherwise. The storyline in the synopsis in theory wasn't that bad. Sort of like a novel you would read on a long flight, thus the TV movie status. I believe poor execution will be the downfall, namely casting.

Which brings me to the cast. On paper, it does not look good. The movie (I use this term loosely) stars (also, used loosely) Lucy Lawless and Timothy Bottoms, which sound like porn names. Brett Butler was in "Grace Under Fire" and was a standup comedian from the South (read, I had a drunk abusive husband and jokes are my therapy and boosted my career). So this movie is good for her. Dylan Neal rounds out the characters that I really can't get mad at for doing this. Bills need to be paid. I am really disappointed in Craig Ferguson, better know as Drew Carey's boss, and even better known as host of "The Late Late Show". He also has a pretty decent following in the UK. This movie was a bad career move. It's about like when Matt LeBlanc was on "Friends" and still did that stupid movie with that monkey. Why? I guess that is the main question. Why? "Locusts" wasn't good, and that seems to be the common link with this film personnel-wise. Does history not serve as a lesson? I guess not. So my forecast is partly sucky skies with an 85% percent chance of crap.

9:00-9:20 (Clay)

I did research before I watched Vampire Bats. Turns out this movie is a sequel for Lucy Lawless and she previously starred as a "voracious insect specialist" in the previous CBS television movie Locusts. One of the sentences in the preview I read actually says, "Lawless reprises her role as a voracious insect specialist." This is crazy because I'm going to go out on a limb and say this movie is going to feature vampire bats (call it a hunch based on three years of hardcore legal training). But last I checked vampire bats are not insects, so really Lawless is just reprising her role as a "voracious" specialist. I.e., if something eats a lot then Lawless is an expert about them. Based on this character development, I'm hopeful that in the next CBS television movie, Lucy Lawless is just going to follow Anna Nicole Smith around all day. So anyway, that was my pregame research.

Lucy Lawless is a voracious vixen expert.

1. This movie begins on the lovely campus of U.S. News top 25 stalwart Tate University as three undergrads walk across campus lamenting the fact that they have nothing to do, despite there being rampant activity surrounding them. There are two guys (one bad boy and the bad boy's friend) and one hot chick. For some reason, everyone appears to be wearing a different type of camouflage. If all three were suddenly drafted and plopped down in a foreign country with a gun at least one of them would be difficult to see no matter where they ended up.

2. One of the many activities surrounding our three bored undergrads is a slip-and-slide party taking place outside a frat house. There is a sign hanging from the front of the house that says: "Never to messed up to party." Evidently, always too messed up to remember the extra o.

Like this except the girls had hit puberty.

3. The bad boy and the bad boy's friend become the first college-age males in the history of the world not to gravitate towards a slip-and-slide featuring sorority girls. Where do they go? The cemetery of course.

4. It's been my experience that most colleges are not located immediately next door to cemetaries. Evidently, Tate University is. While cutting through the cemetery (incidentally, I'm willing to guess there isn't a single college on earth where it's quicker to get from one part of the campus to another by walking through the cemetery), the girl utters this memorable line: "Your fake i.d. has never worked, why would it start now?" Everyone erupts in laughter. Somehow this the funniest line ever uttered on a college campus. Immediately thereafter the bad boy puts his hand under his armpit and makes a farting noise and the cameraman had to stop filming because even he was laughing so hard. (Ok, not really...but if he had).

This picture came up when I google-image searched college and cemetery. Anyone who ever has sex with this girl is insane.

5. Somehow the chick puts on a new camo-top. Either that or her camo-top changes color based on her environment.

6. All three college kids go to a party where some guy pours an industrial sized bag of salt into a garbage can full of alcohol.

7. Everyone is very excited to drink the salt.

8. I don't really know what happened here but somehow all three college kids are wondering around in the middle of nowhere and the bad guy's friend gets suddenly lost in the jungle...with the camo on no one is ever going to find him.

9. The first eerie bat sound pierces the television screen at 9:06 eastern. The bad guy's friend continues to wonder how he left a house party and ended up in a Cambodian jungle.

10. The bad guy's friend falls into a puddle and then gets eaten by bats...

11. In a move of cinematic artistry we move from the bats eating the bad guy's friend to Lucy Lawless feeding her family breakfast.

12. Pacey Witter's older brother Doug Witter suddenly comes on the screen and kisses Lucy Lawless. This is surprising primarily because I didn't know Capeside High was so close to Tate University. Also because Doug Witter was gay and now he appears married.

"And then my agent said, "You're gonna die for this role."

13. Deputy Doug's sister is "like an overcaffienated Mary Poppins." Now this just isn't true. Everyone knows Gretchen Witter is just plain hot...and calm.

Gretchen Witter... and that chump Dawson.

14. Deputy Doug's new sister is...Brett Butler. Oh man, this is quite a comedown.

Apparently the bats found her before the movie even started.

15. Deputy Doug enters a classroom full of hot chicks. There is not one single guy in his class. Immediately Deputy Doug turns on his IPOD and dances to YMCA to ensure they know he used to be gay.

16. Surprise, surprise, Lucy Lawless is also a professor. One of her students utters this memorable phrase: "I thought this was Bio 311 not Fashion 101." Somewhere the cliche god smiles.

17. There is a mauled deer on the road. After examination, the examiner pronounces, the deer was "definitely attacked by something." Great analysis. I guess this cancels out the ever popular deer self-mutilation.

Diagnosis? Dead deer.

18. There is a sudden scene change to some guy with an odd accent going out with his friend in a boat. I believe there is a 100% chance one or both of them is going to die.

19. For some reason the fisherman are fishing in the middle of the night. Yet this is never explained. Uh-oh, here come the eerie bat sounds. Surprisingly, the tons of other night fishermen are not eaten.

20. My review poetically ends with a cowboy hat floating on top of the still water.

9:20-9:40 (The 27)

As has regularly been the case, the 27 failed to contribute. Webmaster notes that DJ and the DH staff has taken to using "27" as a verb, which means to delay indefinitely, as in "I have a column 27-ing."

9:40-10:00 (Shaw)

9:40pm. I am alone in a room with my own voice. Glass walls surround me, a thousand onlookers crowding the other end, peering at me as if into a prison cell. I perform, hear the playback, try again. My phrasing is called into question: "do *you* like the way you sang that?" The emphasis on the first "you" raises doubts in my mind. Did I like the way I sang that?

"I don't know, should I have liked it?"

"Well, I don't know. If you thought it was good, we'll keep it."

The choice: Tell him yes, keep it. Live with that take for the rest of eternity, immortalized on a CD that no one but my parents will ever buy. Face the possibility that every time this CD finds its way into my disc player I will skip it for fear of hearing my own bad phrasing again and again. That future archivists of cheesy Christmas a cappella music will someday hear this track and think, "he really should have redone that phrase." Or plug on and re-sing it, admitting that I too doubted my own voice.

Alone in a room with only myself, and only me to blame for what I hear. Every breath audible, every rolled R, every lilt, every growl, every waver.

Is there anything more horrible than to be alone in a room with yourself and be forced to answer to your innermost self doubts? Is this not what each of us fears? Judgment Day. The end of all things.

I choose to keep the take. Caution be damned! I am up to the task of self-analysis.

And we move on to the next sentence.

--------------------------------

Unfortunately, my VCR was not up to the task of self-activation. Despite a correct timer setting, adjusted for Daylight Savings, and being correctly powered off prior to 9:40pm, my VCR did the unthinkable: it turned itself on hours early and was not prepared to record Vampire Bats on CBS. This was probably due to a brief power flicker in my apartment complex, a perennial problem, and not one I have yet learned to live with.

And thus thanks to this failure of modern technology, I cannot add anything to the plot analysis of Vampire Bats.

It should make you feel better that for the same reason I also missed Grey's Anatomy... so I still don't know if Dr. Shepherd ever showed up to the bar to meet Meredith, nor the answer to the big question: did he sign the divorce papers or not??? As with time's judgment on my phrasing choice, we shall have to wait.

10:00-10:20 (KWo)

Prior to 10 PM last night, I wouldn't have thought there was a movie you could pickup halfway through, watch for 20 minutes, and summarize the entire plot in two words. Vampire Bats is the most horrifically predictable movie I've seen in a long, long time. The action picked up with a press conference where the mayor is fielding questions about, of all things, vampire bats. Apparently their natural habitat has been destroyed and they have descended upon a ridiculously fictional college town somewhere in the South. After breaking the world record for use of the word "bat" in a two-minute monologue, the redneck Sheriff announces his plan to eradicate the problem--he will simply put poison on their wings, and when the bats groom each other at night (as all southern redneck Sheriffs know) they will inadvertently kill each other. Diabolical. Despite protest from the moderately attractive science professor and vampire bat expert, the bat-poisoning plan is put into action. The scene then cuts to a restaurant for a cameo by Brett Butler, who is by far the hugest celebrity to appear in my 20 minutes of this atrocious movie. Approximately ten minutes into the segment, the audience gets a much needed commercial break, where CBS advertises a made for TV movie starring Randy Quaid.

Conservatively, CBS is predicting that this will be "The Movie Event of the Year." This station is just hemorrhaging credibility left and right. We return to the action with the science professor rounding up a group of students on a mission to capture several vampire bats for research. They set the trap with a goat as bait surrounded by nets to catch the bats. I might have misheard the professor, but I think the goat was named Shenenee. Normally I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was referring to one of her students, but strangely enough there are no black people at Fictional Southern U., and I am left to the realization that I am, in fact, voluntarily watching a movie called Vampire Bats with a goat named Shenenee. Thankfully Shenenee escapes unharmed and several vampire bats are caught in the nets. Upon closer inspection , we discover that the bats have an extra row of teeth. We at home also discover that the bats are made out of paper maiché and do not look anything like real bats. At 10:20, I go back to watching Family Guy reruns and feel sorry for the hippo that has to cover the next segment.

10:20-10:40 (Tardio)

27-ing. Apparently Tardio's VCR only records the OC.

10:40-11:00 (JT)

As I returned home from a nice little Sunday of football I was in fine spirits. The Broncos put a serious hurting on the Eagles, and sure my fantasy RB's Corey Dillon and Willis McGahee couldn't pull out the victory for me on Sunday night, but I was still feeling good (several beers throughout the day will do that for you) and I was more than ready to sit down and watch the riveting conclusion to the highly anticipated thriller Vampire Bats. I had set my TiVO earlier in the day. What an example of the wonders of human ingenuity this device is. I don't have any research to back up this claim; but I am positive it has saved more relationships than Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Ruth combined.

"Honey can we stop watching football now? Desperate Housewives is coming on!"

"Sorry, my fantasy kicker is on this team.... but don't worry, I'll TiVO it for you!"

"Your the best honey! How can I please you?"

You see what I mean? TiVO may be the greatest invention since the X-Box.

So my special lady friend Alex had agreed to watch this with me and she fast forwards the movie to the final 20 minutes as I get myself something to drink. Better make it strong... I figure I am going to need to be VERY intoxicated to enjoy this piece of cinematic glory.

- I hit play on the TiVO and the first thing I line uttered is someone saying, "I hear a swishy sound!" Ooooh. I think this could be getting good already.

- Lucy Lawless is either a very poor attempt at a gang member or a pirate. She is wearing a red bandana in a rather menacing fashion as they jog through the woods.

- I stop paying attention for a few seconds already but tune back in just in time to hear Lucy Lawless declare that these "are not our everyday Vampire bats... thats for sure" But when are they ever Lucy?

- I thankfully get my first commercial break. I realize I have only been watching the movie for 4 minutes.

- The commercials are more intrigueing than the movie so far, some guy invented a new vacuum cleaner that "takes sucking to a whole new level" and there is another CBS Movie Event called "Catagory Seven" starring Randy Quaid. Apparantly Rick Moranis was already booked.

- Back to the movie Lucy Lawless throws out the scientific name for Vampire Bats which I am fairly certain she made up on the spot. I'm not sure if L.L. is supposed to be a teacher or a student, but if she is a teacher she is probably the hottest teacher of all time (yes, I just used the word teacher three times in one sentence). She makes the statement that these Vampire Bats suck more blood any other bats ever. Kind of like this movie sucks more taint than any other movie ever.

- Lucy makes a threat to someone, perhaps the priniciple of the High School, that she has friends in Washington. Alex asks me "Do a lot of public high school teachers have friends in Washington". I can offer no response.

- They tag a bat with a red blinking device and it immediately flies to a broken down mansion where thousands of other bats are living. They then kill a deer. I am regretting my decision to take part in this movie experiment. Lucy offers up a zinger that gets no laughs from either Alex or myself. "Her one-liners were better in Xena." Alex observes. I am inclined to agree with her which for some reason makes me feel ashamed. Yes, I have watched Xena before. There I said it.

- L.L. is back in the red bandana running through the woods. Some young chap named Aaron finds a toxic waste dump discharging into the river. Lucy Lawless tells him in a rather seductive way that he gets a gold star, causing Aaron to ejaculate. Lucy then puts nearly the entire handle of a flashlight into her mouth and I am visually aroused. I have figured out the plot to this movie and I don't care.

- Lucy and another random man then descend upon the broken down mansion to track down the bats. Lucy is armed only with her red bandana, a broom and a surly attitude. I am very excited to see how this battle plays out... and then my TiVO stops..... what?!?!

I come to the realization that due to the football games the movie had a late start in the mountain standard region resulting in my TiVO recording the local news and I believe the end of "Extra" in addition to the first hour and a half of Vampire Bats. So for the first time in my life... my TiVO let me down. I thought you would never do this to me TiVO! How can I ever trust you again?? As for the movie, if I have to guess on how it ends.... I would say that turns out that the bats are genetically mutated by the toxic waste and Lucy Lawless goes Xena on them... destroying them all with her trusty broom.

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