This seems to be accurate for every team but Vanderbilt. Each year Vanderbilt
trots out some chump who hits line-drive after line-drive on every punt
and gets each important field goal blocked. When I was in law school Vanderbilt's
punter transferred because he couldn't stand to lose. The punter. Man, you
know your program is bad when the punter is angered about how often you
lose. The worst thing about Vanderbilt's situation is the entire school
is filled with soccer playing dudes who drill field goals from 50 yards
in intramural flag-football games.
Speaking of kickers, deadlyhippos own JT informed me recently that Jake
Plummer is dating a Broncos cheerleader and that this has caused a scandal.
(Evidently the people of Denver do not recall jr. high, high school, or
college. Worse they've probably even forgotten about Varsity Blues.)
But the real kicker (pun oh so eloquently intended) is that the last
Denver Broncos player dating a cheerleader scandal belonged to field-goal
kicker Jason Elam.
This is Jake Plummer's girlfriend.
According to her "bio" her most admired athlete...Lance Armstrong. There's
a controversy brewing.
6. Rick Clausen throws an interception and South Carolina scores a touchdown
on 3rd and 10 to Sidney Rice. Why do I fear this might become a trend? 7-0
USC.
Sidney Rice...you have the look
of a man who will be giving me nightmares for years to come.
7. Steve Spurrier's facial tics seem to have become more apparent in
the color red.
8. Unbelievably UT answers South Carolina's score with one of their own
while being led by Erik Ainge. Arian Foster is rapidly convincing me he
is Eddie George reborn. 7-7
9. We kick a field goal to begin the second quarter and go up 10-7. Incidentally,
Mike Gottfried and Sean McDonough are the single most awkward announcing
team in college football. I can't even hear them talk, but I'm sure the
banter is godawful. Do you even think Sean McDonough would talk to Mike
Gottfried if they had gone to high school together? Well, maybe other than
to say something like, "You can let me out of the locker now, Mr. Gottfried."
Is my nasal voice grating to
you yet?
10. My man the crazy punter Britton Colquitt pins South Carolina inside
the five and we get the safety on a sack by Jason Hall. 12-7 UT
11. Remarkably South Carolina fumbles the punt and we recover. I tell
the 27 we have a chance to put the game away. The 27 is uninterested, "I
can't believe they don't have the Texas game on," he says.
12. Arian Foster fumbles going in for a touchdown and the ball is recovered
in the end zone by South Carolina. This seems like a bad dream. Can anyone
else remember the last time a team fumbled into the end zone in two consecutive
games? I know I can't. The 27 shakes his head. He has been gloating
over Florida's win over Georgia for the past two hours. "Not good," he says.
13. Junaid calls and for a moment we are both incapable of speech. Finally
we agree we have there truly is nothing worse that can happen to our offense.
Earlier Junaid and I had made fun of the 27 for getting rattled after Georgia's
quarterback Joe Tereshinski caught a touchdown pass against Florida. Now
the 27 pounces: "Admit to me that your team is just bad," he says.
14. Jonathon Hefney intercepts South Carolina's Blake Mitchell to
effectively end the half. Turnovers are great, but I am the only UT fan
who feels sick every time we get a turnover and the defense doesn't score?
15. I'm a little sketchy from here on out for details because the
27 and I attempted to order two Conquistador sized margaritas. For some
reason our waiter giggled.
Basically, we drank this guy.
16. Unfortunately when the Conquistador arrived it was the size of a
conquistador's helmet and had two straws. The waiter's giggles suddenly make
more sense. "We can't both drink this," I say. The 27 concurs and we commandeer
some cups that the 27 reaches into the helmet of alcohol and fills.
17. The Conquistador tastes like rubbing alcohol that has been laced
with salt. Both of us gag.
18. The 27 has managed to get Texas-Oklahoma State turned on. We watch
as Texas reasserts their dominance after trailing 28-9. It occurs to me
that Les Miles must wake up late at night wondering how his defense allowed
our offense to score 30 points in a single half.
19. We begin the second half by running Arian Foster five consecutive
plays, advancing in the process from the 20 to the USC 46. Erik Ainge then
throws three consecutive passes and we gain six yards and add
two more incompletions to our offensive stats.
20. My man the crazy punter pins South Carolina inside the five again.
I start to get concerned that all this success might lead to Colquitt's
being arrested for the fourth time this past year for underage drinking.
Then I start to worry, what if Colquitt transferred because the team wasn't
winning enough.
Colquitt really got dressed
up for signing day. Either that or he just came from a Dr. Pepper television
commercial.
21. All these thoughts about punters in conjunction with the Conquistador
are making me light headed.
22. It appears our defense might actually decapitate South Carolina
quarterback Blake Mitchell.
23. There are lots of missed offensive opportunities on offense here
for UT. Somehow this simile makes sense, the endzone is a cock tease.
I swear to god this picture
of Melinda from Real World came up when I google-image searched cock tease.
On the other hand, so did this guy...
Sorry.
24. In a wholly unrelated interlude, did anyone else see this week's
Real World where Danny broke up with Melinda because she said if she were
single she would bang Prince William? This was just classic. Come on
Danny give her a break, I'm married and straight and I might bang Prince
William if I had the chance.
Prince William representing
the 'Shire.
25. On another third down play Sidney Rice catches another touchdown
pass and suddenly we are losing 13-12. Was it just the Conquistador or did
the fact that we were actually losing this game shock anyone else?
26. Steve Spurrier is really grinning. I hate it when Steve Spurrier
is really grinning.
27. Thankfully we stop their two point conversion on a sack by Kevin
Simon.
28. UT brings back in Rick Clausen after leaving him sitting on the bench
ever since the first interception. Of course, Clausen immediately leads
the team down the field. The drive stalls and Wilhoit drills a huge kick
to give us a 15-13.
29. Rick Clausen has become the Tennessee football equivalent of the
chick you know you can hook up with but just can't bear to call. Whereas
Erik Ainge is the chick you know you can't hook up with but keeps convincing
you there's some possibility for success. This is a strained analogy that
might have just crossed over into strained metaphor land.
"Just please call before 2 AM."
30. The 27 convinces me that I should root for the Titans to lose every
remaining game this season so we can draft Vince Young. Texas has reclaimed
the lead on the other television. I wonder how many points a Vince Young
offense would average at UT. Surely we'd break 20. Wouldn't we?
31. Blake Mitchell has suddenly become John Elway. He can't miss.
Whichever South Carolina fan
has been posting this picture online has serious issues.
32. You know how there are games that you never even conceive of losing
so that even when they get close you aren't that worried? This is how I
was feeling until...
33. South Carolina's kicker Josh Brown boots a career-long field
goal that is good from 49. Coincidentally this is also the number of girls
he will sleep with this week in Columbia. Is it just me or does it seem
like every kicker is named Josh Brown? 16-15 USC.
Presumably this is a different
Josh Brown.
34. We get stopped by South Carolina...but we have three timeouts. And
then they break a fifteen yard run and this game is over. "Oh man," says
the 27, "Oh man."
35. I feel sick to my stomach. I push the Conquistador helmet to the
side. Steve Spurrier has once again ruined a lovely Saturday of my life.
36. Remember a few weeks ago when I said I was going to make fun of Steve
Spurrier for putting in the vintage tapes of Gator teams of yesteryear and
berating his South Carolina squad for not being as good?
Just like 1996.
Well, that was funnier before South Carolina beat us.
37. The last time South Carolina beat us was the game where Mose
Phillips broke approximately fifty-three tackles on a screen pass. Then
we went for two...then we fired Johnny Majors. I hope South Carolina
fans enjoy their first victory in twelve years, but whenever we
lose to South Carolina, I'm choosing to believe it means there
are better days ahead.
Mose's #19...to help ease the
pain.
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