At some point in the future, generations we know not of are going to point to the week of awkward game starting times (Saturday Nov. 19^th to Saturday Nov. 26^th) as the one that decided the Heisman Trophy race in 2005.  (Actually at a future date, I’m going to explore my thesis that the only people who remember who actually won the Heisman Trophy are the people who are angry because their own favorite player lost. See Manning Peyton in 1997.) Lots of people who didn’t manage to stay awake and see Reggie Bush’s otherworldly performance against Fresno State that began at 10:15 last Saturday are going to be comparing this game with another game they didn’t see, Vince Young’s Texas team against Texas A&M this past Friday at eleven central. Because I take my duty as a completely biased and oftentimes petty game diarist seriously, I managed to watch both games. Well…most of both games.

1. I missed the first fifteen minutes because I was online checking to see who forgot to set their fantasy football lineups because of the Thursday NFL games. At some point as it approached noon it occurred to me that I might want to check and make sure that Texas-Texas A&M didn’t actually start at eleven central. Then I got sucked into the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey breakup vortex.
2. Fighting back tears over the Simpson-Lachey split, I worked my way over to Sportsline in time to see the game had already started (and at the same time get in a very weak plug). So I put in a sub 5.0 forty in a rush to the television.

Now these nipples will belong to someone else…I’m not sure if I can go on.

3. Arrive and quickly see that A&M’s quarterback Reggie McNeal is not playing. This is not surprising considering the game started at eleven central on Friday. Instead, Stephen McGee is the quarterback. He shares very little in common with McNeal except for a mutual Irish lineage. Wait…

McGee attempts to rally the troops at the pregame pep rally that began at approximately 4:42 AM.

4. You know how when you watch a game that isn’t supposed to be very close, how the announcers absolutely sing the praises of the underdog. “Oh, what an amazing spin move.” (For a loss of one). “What a solid decision to throw the ball away.” (Before he was snowed under by the entire defensive line.)  Yeah, so that’s in full force right now as A&M pushes to within ten yards of midfield. It also appears that the ABC announcing team is actually thirteen people.
5. One of the thirteen announcers says that A&M’s injuries this season are “almost comical.” I accept the fact that this is an inane cliché, but how in the world did this ever become a cliché. When are injuries remotely comical? Ok, notwithstanding every injury Brian Griese had while quarterbacking the Denver Broncos.

The only bobble head dog that had a pullstring, “The dog pushed me.”

6. Craig James uses the word “fanny.” Old women born in 1920 across the country blush. Without prompting Craig James immediately begins to cry over his inexplicable decision to leave the College Gameday crew.

The woman in this picture is named Fanny…and she’s red as a beet.

7. Texas makes an interception of McGee and a few plays later Texas’s Ramonce Taylor goes out of bounds after a solid gain into the midst of the Aggie cadet crew. One Aggie cringes and drops his towel. Drops his towel? This has to be the cadet football fan equivalent of shooting yourself in the thumb with your own rifle.
8. Henry Melton is the size of two men. But Texas gets credit for only one touchdown when he crosses the goal line. 7-0 Texas.
9. There is a sideline interview with Houston Astros manager Phil “Scrap-Iron” Garner who takes a shot at Texas alum Roger Clemens, “He’s in Mexico right now, I think he smelled an upset.”

Seriously, is there any crime Phil Garner’s not getting chosen for if he were in a criminal lineup with that mustache.

10. ABC runs a regional action promo for the Saturday games for the first of what I’m sure will be 463 times. But seriously, can you imagine if your regional game was Connecticut v. South Florida…and it was a football game. This has to be the worst regional game ever. Throughout the entire ABC feed, the words, “We’re sorry” should scroll across the bottom of the screen. Hopefully for Roger Clemens sake Mexico won’t get this game.
11. Ramonce Taylor of Texas scores again. This time no Aggie cadets drop their towels. Just to rub things in, the cast of the movie Jarhead holds Taylor down on the sideline and gives him a Marine brand in front of the cadet who dropped his towel.

In a jollier time, pre-branding.

12. Do you think someone is in charge of making sure everyone in the Texas band keeps their cowboy hats on at all times?
13. Texas A&M pulls out all the stops by running the flea flicker. Pass is incomplete. Somewhere Super Tecmo Bowl all-star and former New York Giant Stephen Baker kicks a clod of dirt.

This is a different Stephen Baker, but this SB was so upset he kicked his TPS reports.

14. Field goal by Texas A&M’s Todd Pegram. Amazingly, Craig James is neighbors with Todd Pegram’s family. I think ABC might have flown James all the way to Texas just for that tidbit.

The neighbor Craig James doesn’t like to talk about.

15. Interception of Vince Young and shortly thereafter running back Jorvorskie Lane throws a touchdown pass. I spend about ten minutes trying to decide if Jorvorskie has been named after Ron Jaworski but cannot ultimately make a final decision.

The namesake?

16. If anyone wonders what I would look like attempting a pass on a football field, watch the botched extra point and ensuing incomplete pass attempt by the kicker. 14-9 Texas.
17. Texas A&M gets the ball back and Stephen McGee runs for 48 yards. Upon being tackled, McGee rocks the underutilized and underrated double #1 index fingers.
18. Brandon Leone of Texas A&M runs all the way to the seats in the back of the end zone after his score. 2 point conversion is no good. 15-14 A&M.
19. Craig James references The Waterboy and says the main character was named Vincent Young. Aside from being a wholly inapplicable analogy, anyone worth talking to knows that the name of the main character was Bobby Boucher.

Boucher would have singlehandedly ended Craig James’ career.

20. Texas scores on a touchdown pass to Hall from Vince Young. 21-15 Texas at the half.
21. On the opening drive of the second half, Vince Young fumbles at his own fifteen and A&M recovers. After this game, Vince Young is going to do whatever it takes to make sure the footage of USC-Fresno State mysteriously disappears.
22. A&M’s Stephen McGee suffers the football hit equivalent of drowning in the Rio Grande. McGee rises, shrugs his shoulders and runs off left tackle on the next play for a touchdown. Of course he rocks the double #1’s again. 22-21 A&M.
23. Jaxson Appel makes a great play for A&M. Quick, what are the odds that a guy named Jaxson with an X and playing in the defensive secondary is a white guy?

The answer is 4038 to 1.

24. Mack Brown fakes a punt for a Texas first down. A few plays later, Ramonce Taylor scores again. 28-22 Texas. Mac Brown exhales.
25. Texas blocks a punt for another touchdown. 34-22 Texas.
26. Jorvorskie Lane of A&M rumbles for back-to-back runs of 30 and 16. Ron Jaworski is unsure whether to beam with pride or scratch his head quizzically.
27. McGee of A&M scores another rushing touchdown. 34-29 Texas.
28. Mack Brown began this game wearing a windbreaker and is now down to a polo. Can a wife-beater be far away?
29. Texas kicks a field goal to go up 37-29 and begin the fourth quarter.
30. McGee goes off tackle for an indeterminate number of yards. I apologize for not knowing how many as my wife Lara finds her old law school admissions letters while cleaning her closet and brags that she had better LSAT scores than me. Post my wife’s taunting, just a spectacular effort by McGee this game.
31. Craig James goes confessional on us: “I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain. You see, you're an inspiration, to all of us who... who weren't born handsome, and charming and cool, and and...(breaks down in tears).”

32. If I were an A&M fan I’d blame the camera guy for the McGee fumble that ensued after the camera man completely bought the play-action fake.
33. All of a sudden I start to hear a dog barking in the background of the game sound. I have no idea where the dog came from, but he was there. Please, somebody else confirm they heard the dog so I know that my tenuous grasp on sanity is retained.
34.  A little girl with missing front teeth is shamelessly plugged by her father who wants Rose Bowl tickets. Fathers everywhere regret that they missed this opportunity when their own daughters were without front teeth. Actually, if I had Rose Bowl tickets, I’d give them to this guy just for not having one of those “priceless” signs. You know: “Watching a game with my daughter who doesn’t have front teeth…priceless.” Yeah, great, shoot me, please.
35. Field goal by Texas 40-29. Game ends and Vince Young is not interviewed because he is already en route to a “meeting” at the game archives.
36. Check back on Saturday when I examine whether anyone would notice if Mac Brown and his doppelganger George W. Bush switched places. Also, next Monday a triple game diary featuring USC-UCLA, Georgia-LSU, and Texas-Colorado. Whoever recognizes the quote in 31 gets a valuable mention in my upcoming reader response which will include an exclusive interview with the now located Alabama houndstooth twins.
37. Confession time, I lack the ability to handwrite one of those ampersand (and) signs. Somehow I missed this class in third grade. You should see my tablet of notes. It looks like hieroglyphics. Reggie Bush will now win the Heisman & Texas fans will be bitter and remember this fact forever.

“The ampersand makeover.” I think this might be a new NBC show this spring.          

Seriously, these chicks come up when you google image search ampersand. They might be the hottest literary chicks on earth.