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10 Touchdown dances you will never see... hopefully
11/10/05
by DJ

After watching the recent touchdown celebration by Steve Smith where he was swashbuckling a Buccaneer, I thought, "Finally, an original touchdown dance!!". It was original, entertaining, and made fun of the other team a little bit. Way better than a stupid Riverdance. Then I thought, "What if someone took not only a step further, but so far beyond the line of acceptable?" That would be awesome. The impulse was further fueled by several reader gmails that basically reiterated what I was thinking, and asking me to do a piece on it. So I started thinking of some dances that would be so terribly offensive, the person might actually face termination from the league. The only thing that disappoints me is that T.O. would be one of the few people who would actually do these, and he is gone, for now.

Also in collaboration was avid reader TJones, who is close to ascending to best reader in HippoNation, and JT, and coincidentally all three of us are CU alumni. Go Buffs.

Personally I believe that a well-orchestrated touchdown dance should not be illegal if it adds comedic and satirical value to the game. If you can dodge many Buick-sized individuals trying to inflict grievous bodily harm on you on the way to pay-dirt alive, then you deserve it. They should only be penalized if they suck or are stupid. Like the lame bowling-ball-and-the-O-line-are-the-pins routine. Or if they are so ridiculous and offensive that they are the equivalent of walking up and slapping Paul Tagliabue after telling him you impregnated his daughter but somehow can't remember her name. These celebrations should only be attempted by players of ill repute (read Moss, T.O. next year, or if by some chance Rodman or Tyson ever play in the NFL) and should beg for fines and suspensions, such as some of the following. The only rules are no outside props (i.e. sharpies, cell phones): you may only use the ball and/or the pylons.

1. The Ricky Williams - After scoring, hold the ball like a bong and light it up. Have a couple of other guys make bubbling noises in the background while you exhale and stumble to the sidelines. Down Gatorade upon arrival to rid yourself of the faux cotton mouth. Maximum 1 game suspension accompanied by some petty cash. Unless you are actually Ricky Williams. Considerably low disrespect value.

2. The Love Boat - aka the Minnetonka Mayhem. After scoring put the ball in your pants like a boner. Go over to the cheerleaders and start turning an huge imaginary wheel like you are captaining a ship. Tilt your helmet up like a captain's hat for added bonus. Have teammates snap pictures and stumble around drunkenly. This would definitely draw a huge fine and suspension, as you mock a whole team and the league in one fell swoop. Expect to sit out the rest of the year with extremely light pockets.

3. The Fisher DeBerry - Immediately after scoring put the ball down like it is a recruit. Pull up some turf and put place it on the ball, like an Afro. Sit there and talk and plead with it for a few seconds. Walk away and leave it, head hung low, shaking it disappointedly. Only the astute will get this one, so it may be possible to avoid punishment. But what is the point of a dance if no one knows what it is?

4. The Zit - After scoring, put the ball on your face like a big pimple. Squeeze it hard and let it pop out into the ref's hands. Wipe your hands on your jersey and skip to the sidelines. This may not even draw a fine, plus it has a low degree of difficulty. Only recommended in a creative bind.

5. The Um-Num-She-Vie (ala Temple of Doom) - Palm the ball on an opposing team players' chest, preferably the one that just got burned for the TD, while he is restrained by one of your O-lineman. Let him struggle. Strain mightily, then pull out ball like it is his heart, mimicking the pulsating beat in your hand, before slamming it as hard as possible to the turf. Don eye-black and/or skull make up (Lattimer style) for effect. This will involve much premeditation, and thus will draw a huge punishment due to the involvement of the other team. Purely awesome. Definitely a good way to retire.

6. The Passion of the Christ - After scoring, sprint to the base of the goal post and take the crucifix pose. Have the QB nail your hands and feet with the ball like you are on the cross. Hang there for a second. The stadium should be quiet by now. Make your way to the stunned bench, pointing to the sky for good measure, and prepare to be banished from the league and the revocation of every penny you've ever earned. Of course, this will pale in comparison to you suffering an eternity of hell.

7. The "Et Tu, Brutus?" - aka the Ray Lewis. After scoring, dance in the midst of a few teammates. Have another come from behind and stab you repeatedly in the back with the ball. A dramatic death should ensue. This one will spell bind everyone, including the Commish. In the post game interviews, explain the scene as well as your love for acting and offer to donate your fine to the Screen Actors Guild. During your suspension, attempt to crossover into action flicks.

8. The Bus Stop - This is the only team specific celebration. After scoring, have a teammate form a bench and have a seat as Jerome Bettis passes by with Hines Ward already on his back. Give him the ball for fare and get on, allowing him to squire you to the sidelines. For added effect tap his helmet when you reach the sidelines as if it is your stop. This celebration is for pure comedic value, and will most likely not draw a fine or suspension, as Bettis is one of the NFL's most loved players. Perfect for the first score of the day, then follow up with one of the others.

9. The Nolan Ryan - After scoring, stand in the middle of the endzone like a pitcher on the mound getting ready to throw while a teammate grabs one of the pylons and pretends like he is at the plate. Bean him with the football as hard as possible. As the "batter" charges, you the "pitcher" grab him, put him in a headlock, and commence to beat the shit out of his face. This has the distinct possibility of drawing fines from MLB and the NFL, a possible first. Congratulations. Have your lawyer ready.

10. The Fight Leaving The Club - Score a touchdown and celebrate regularly by hugs and pats on the helmet. As you run by the goalpost, stop as if it was someone just said something awful to you. Walk back to the goalpost and push it, as your teammates rush in to pull you away and avoid a fight. Keep resisting, until you are properly restrained and nod your head to your teammates to convince them that you understand that "It’s not worth it". Once roughly 10-15 yards away from the goalpost, break away from your handlers and run back and start punching frenetically. Have one of your teammates now tackle you like a cop, cuff your hands behind your back, and walk you off the field. This warrants a flag because of delaying the PAT and the gross involvement of your teammates, but you should be able to play the next week. The fine for premeditation shouldn't be too bad if you split it up to all those involved.

In this day and age of endzone mimicry, it's about time the touchdown dance was actually a celebrated occasion, for better or for worse. Sure it may end your season, and if tastefully done, your career, but it has been a dismal season at best, so let's make it fun at least. After all, humor is the spice of life. I would much rather watch any of these celebrations than watch the Texans play. Or the Ravens. Or Joey Harrington. You get the point. And to top it all off, this has to be one of the worst Fantasy Football years in recent memories. Please vote for your favorite or post your own on our message board.

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