next column
|
|
|
| previous column | next column |
Classification of coffee drinkers
11/17/05
by Shaw
I drank so much coffee a few weeks ago that I didn't know whether I was dead or alive. I couldn't fall asleep at night and I couldn't stay awake during the day. This is a copy of an actual email that I sent during that week in one of my desperate run-ins with the great black darkness:
I have had so much coffee today that:
1. I am wide-eyed awake but want sleep more than anything else in the world.
2. I grip everything including the mouse with white knuckle force without realizing it.
3. I can't think of what I did 10 minutes ago, let alone this weekend. This is really true. I have no idea what I did yesterday.
4. I have a weird taste in my mouth that is far beyond standard coffee-induced halitosis.
5. My mouth is constantly watering. I could have filled up a gallon jug in the last 20 minutes.
6. All I can think about is my next cup.
Fortunately, I got out of it. In the past few weeks I have managed to limit my intake to a few cups per week, probably an average of 5, with a day off here and there. The trick, it seems, is to occasionally have a detox. Sometimes the demons come back for a spell and I am forced to endure a ferocious battle with them, but as long as I take a 3 day break with no caffeine whatsoever once every few weeks, I can keep them under control. Generally speaking, the above symptoms are the main sign that I need to back off for a few days. That is my coffee condition.
In my observations there are 8 ranks on the coffee-drinking continuum:
1. The abstainer. No coffee, no black tea, no soda. No caffeine. These are people who are, generally speaking, either exremely physically active and well-rested... or insane. Generally speaking, abstainers look down on people that drink coffee.
2. The bad-taster. (Clay is one of these.) These are also people who never drink coffee, but because they claim to hate the taste. In the bad-taster, caffeine isn't the issue--many of them drink tea or soda (Clay almost exclusively drinks Mountain Dew, the highest caffeine content soda not labeled as an energy drink, and Sunkist Orange which I believe is the only caffeinated orange soda to be distributed by a national corporation). Just like a college freshman who refuses to drink beer but will drink fruity vodka concoctions and cider, bad-tasters are basically children who have not yet grown up and should be ridiculed at all costs.
3. The moonlighter. The moonlighter drinks coffee only occasionally. My friend Dr. D4 is a consummate athlete with a regular sleep schedule, so he is most often naturally energetic. But sometimes he just wants to pump up his heart to make sure that muscle also gets a workout, in which case he will take a cup of espresso (obviously straight and in one sip, the way you take a shot of whiskey before you get your gangrene foot amputated in the old West).
4. The cupaday. The cupaday usually has about a cup every day, but makes the decision according to his momentary whim. He owns a coffee maker but usually only makes enough for about one cup at a time. He usually doesn't drink generic coffee but will occasionally grab a cup to go at Starbucks. Is he addicted to coffee? Perhaps not chemically, but he certainly has come to appreciate that first cup of the day and feels better after he has it.
5. The denial-artist. The denial-artist is convinced that he is not an addict and makes sure that there is no evidence of coffee consumption in his home: there is no coffee-maker and no coffee, and if he does have any of these things, they are hidden under the counter. Because of this, the denial-artist must be sure to purchase coffee every chance he gets. There is always an empty cup sitting out on his desk, evidence that coffee consumption is freshly completed, and any trip outside culminates with a stop at the convenience store or coffee cart for another cup. The denial-artist has no scruples, and will drink coffee made half from deer-turds (which, if you're from the city, really do look like coffee beans). It is not clear whether this is out of desperation or ignorance: consider that the sales of box-wine and Natty Light are half high school kids with fake IDs and little cash, and half alcoholics who don't care what they're drinking, as long as it's got the buzzzzzzzzz.
6. The gourmet. In my office there are 3 ways to make coffee (french press, drip machine, espresso). I am not a true gourmet--my friends Blake and Molly have:
My roommate has a home-roasting machine. This is exactly what it sounds like: a machine that roasts coffee. Did you know that before it's roasted, coffee is green and smells like vomit? Neither did I, until my rommate brought home the roaster. The gourmet is able to talk at length about different types of beans and roasts, and will turn his nose up at the heathen coffee provided by such two-bit trailer trash junkheads as Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks. Anyone that doesn't roast their own coffee is a hack.
7. The addict. This is common among people age 50 or above. The addict has a cup of coffee with every meal. He is no longer using for the highs: it's to avoid the lows. At some point he becomes unable to wake up or even go to sleep without coffee. The mind of the addict is an uncomfortable place to navigate--why does he feel the need to drink coffee instead of water? Why does he not notice that he smells like he brushes his teeth with coffee instead of toothpaste? Why doesn't he use breathmints or mouthwash? Why does 'cuppacawfey' roll off his tongue at the restaurant faster than 'coke'? Why are his teeth the color of used diapers? The addict is a perplexing beast.
8. The junkie. The junkie went to your high school--he was the only 13 year old drinking a 20 oz. coffee every morning, and has been drinking more every day since then. By now, he has graduated to a 64 oz. insulated coffee mug from some random rest stop on the NJ Turnpike which he fills every morning at the gas station on his way to work. Then at work during lunch he refills it with iced coffee, which he makes with regular coffee and ice (for those who are curious, that's not how you're supposed to make it. Ask Blake). And for dinner he brings this mug wherever he goes and asks, "how much to fill this up?" The junkie is certainly addicted, but what's more, he knows he is addicted, and thinks it's funny. (It's not.) He waves his huge travel mug around like it's a toy and if someone asks, he makes some purposefully goofy comment like "neeeed muh cawfey! huh huh!" His brain endings are all fried, and he is incapable of any emotion beyond "need coffee" and "have coffee." The loss of this person as a contributing member of society is a tragedy but not one that will be mourned for long.
I'm a 4. How about you?
________________________
For those of you who miss good old self-loathing Shaw, not to worry! The Shaw you know and love, and who I know better and hate, will be back next week with a brand new column, "Never microwave a pair of scissors, and other important advice."
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.