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NSC Part II: The Last Chapter
11/21/05
by DJ

The recent article on NonSexual Crushes, hereafter NSC, brought up a malestrom of questions. Quite simply stated, it put much of HippoNation in a tizzy. Despite every effort to set you at ease, it simply created more confusion. The parameters set were concrete, yet questions still flooded in about certain objects of NSC desire. For some, it was just as dark as being in the closet, others, rejoicefully, found out why the caged bird sings. To further eradicate doubt, the DeadlyHippos converged on this final chapter, setting up not only several more rules, but specific individuals whom to avoid, lest ye be wanting in a court of heterosexual law. We named names. If your NSC is or is like one of these named, please re-evaluate your NSC.

1. After much debate, it is in fact possible to have a NSC on yourself. You would have to be a self-loving, spoiled mirror jockey; the apex of the douche baggery. In layman's terms, you would be a frat boy, or at least the stereotypical one. So if you would like to admit that you are, fine. I can't help you anyways. You are as unreachable as the mythical lands of Narnia. Enjoy your Summer's Eve. Whoever has a crush on themselves has deeper issues to tackle, such as why you feel the need to wear your hat sideways with matching wristbands.

2. You can't have a non sexual crush on someone dead, like DaVinci (despite his code), Napoleon, or George Orwell. Suffice to say this is the most unhealthy type of NSC. Not to mention just very weird. Bjork weird. They have names for people like you: History professors. Lonely ones.

2a. Inanimate objects such as Maseratis, G-Unit chains, and breakfast burritos are also prohibited.

2b. Actions such as the "We're #1!!" finger point to the sky or Jordan Fist Pump are thoroughly acceptable, when tastefully done after crushing another team on every level of sport. This is often referred to as "The TJones Corollary".

"We did it TJones...We did it...."

3. You are limited to no more than 2 NSCes in the same genre or category. This elimates boy band groups, girl band groups, and multiple people on a sports team. Any more and you become a nonsexual whore. No one likes a nonsexual whore, a mere jock rider. The word "giddy" will slowly infect the adjectives that precede your name. And you can't go to the clinic to get rid of this one.

4. Animated and fictional characters characters are acceptable, but under the normal ramifications of human parameters. Ergo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Stewie, Bart and Homer Simpson, and Oscar the Grouch: Good. Teletubbies, Muppets, Smurfs, and Fraggles: Bad. And by bad I mean absurdly effeminate. This by and large is the least normal NSC to have, for obvious reasons.

Now onto the naming names part. Some people cannot be trusted with your NSC feelings. They will confuse you, causing you to put a shroud of doubt over your own possibly dubious sexuality. While some objects of your NSC stand to be debated, there are no arguments for these people. Remember, at the crux of the NSC is the desire to be like them in some way, shape, or form. Do you want to be anything like these people? An answer in the affirmative will definitely put you in the NSC sin bin.

Clay's list:

1. Brian Austin-Green - He was a school DJ and broke dance with absolute seriousness. For anyone who's like, "But yeah, he dated Donna Martin and graduated a year early from high school!" You sicken me. Really sicken me.

2. Mr. Belding - I don't care if he was in a position of prominence and this turned you on.

3. Dale Dabone - I'm sorry, once you've seen another man naked, it isn't nonsexual anymore.

4. Danny Ferry - When your name is the same as a derogatory term for a gay man, it's not a good sign.

5. Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez - Anyone you have a nonsexual crush on has to have a masculine nickname.

6. Kirk Herbstriet-

Even Kirk Herbstriet has a nonsexual crush on Nick Lachey...ok, based on this picture maybe it's sexual. The fat black guy may have sexual crushes on them both.

Shaw's list:

1. Eric McCormack - Looks more gay with a beard than without.

2. Justin Timberlake - Is like Nick Lachey without Jessica Simpson... or his own TV show... or a documented interest in sports.

3. Tom Cruise - Used to be acceptable, but he is below 5 foot 8, a scientologist, and was on national TV screaming at Oprah about his happiness in a near-pedophiliac stupor. This is unacceptable. By leaps and bounds.

4. Larry David - He doesn't want your affection and love. In fact he doesn't even know you and he hates you. Having a NSC on him would just be too unrewarding.

5. Pete Sampras - Again, used to be acceptable, but lately Agassi's middle-aged performance is making Sampras's vomit match against Corretja look more pathetic than anything else. I mean, what a pussy.

JT's list:

1. Any Olympic swimmer - You can't have a NSC on any athlete whose uniform is a speedo. Lance Arnstrong is the ONLY speedo exception, and he had to grift the grim reaper, beat a whole country of frogs 7 times in a row, and bed Sheryl Crow. But then again, he's not a swimmer.

2. Bill Gates - Wealthiest man in the world.... ugliest wife in the world. If you have all that money you should be married to the last 10 Penthouse Pets.

3. Joey Lawrence - It doesn't matter how cool you thought he was when you were a kid.... he wasn't. And before you ask, no, neither were his brothers.

4. Jim Rome - No matter how you look at it, he still got his ass kicked by Jim Everett on TV.

5. Inky Johnson - Inky....

6. This Patrick Swayze - Some jokes just write themselves

7. Tony Parker.

He is French and I don't care if he is dating Eva Longoria, this pic shows who he really loves....

The 27's list:

	David Boston: Career underachiever. Gross abuse of performance enhancing substances. Pierced nipples. This would be a sexual crush. And he looks like a prison rapist to boot.
	Hitler: Mass murderer. Sick comb-over. Not much to like here.
	David Hasselhoff: ......
	Richard Simmons: Meal-A-Deal was a great idea. Still, we have seen the outline of his genitalia through innumerable spandex leotards, thus tainting our ability to objectively claim any sort of non-sexual affinity for the man.
	Stephen A. Smith: "Quite frankly, I do not see the necessity, at this juncture, to communicate, elaborate, or pontificate as to the possible ramifications of implementing the non-sexual label upon humanity."
	Clay Aiken - I'm about 100% sure this is what Boy George's penis looks like.
	Danny Pintauro (Jonathan Bauer, "Who's the Boss"): Every twenty-something male's first exposure to "wuss."

Kwo's List:

Lil' Romeo: Kind of like Lil Bow Wow, but without any talent. No redeeming qualities except he is related to Master P. Wait, no he has no redeeming qualities.

Lil' Romeo

Moby: Even Lil Romeo thinks Moby is a poser. Primary skills involve pressing different buttons on his computer-guitar and decrying injustice with fellow skinny bald vegetarians. Not an appropriate object of crushes of any sort, including the non-sexual kind.

Bob Saget: The least non-sexually crushable man in the Tanner household. Anyone who has ever said "I wish I could be Bob Saget for just one day" is lying, even Bob Saget.

Joey Fatone: Somehow managed to make it seem like having your choice of 18-21 year old girls is not worth it if you have to act as gay as this guy did.

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