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A driving game diary
11/22/05
by Clay

Webmaster's note: Clay apologizes for the lack of pictures in today's column: he only has access to a dialup connection. Hopefully the quality of the text will hold up to the lack of visual stimuli.

This was the first Saturday of the college football season that I have not spent sitting in front of the television. Instead I was sitting inside a car driving to Michigan from Tennessee. Such a wrinkle in the schedule is devastating to football karma and I dutifully accept the blame for the University of Tennessee’s managing to lose to Vanderbilt for the first time since 1982 when I was three years old and completely unaware that the loss had occurred. Somewhere outside of Louisville, I suddenly lost my feed of 1510 WLAC from Nashville which I had been nursing for the last hundred miles. At one point my wife Lara had turned to me and said, “You’re listening to absolute jarble.” Come to think of it, if UT bothers to make a highlight tape of this season that should be the title, “Vols 2005: Absolute Jarble.” Rather than run an entire game diary based on listening via the radio, here are the three worst parts of the game:

1. As we drive to Michigan my wife, the Vanderbilt grad student, is grading her student’s papers. As Vandy takes a 21-7 lead she turns to me and says, “I heard that when UT’s players have to do term papers they just turn in a colored drawing of their uniform number with a smiley face and then sign the paper with an X.” Ouch.

2. Just as I lose the radio reception of the game, I call an audible and place a telephone call to my dad. He answers the phone immediately and I request that he place the home phone alongside the television so I can here the final three minutes of the game. This was our ensuing conversation.

“I can’t do that,” my dad says.

“Why can’t you do that? Aren’t you watching the game?”

“I’m listening to Bob Kessling on the radio while watching the game on mute.”

A small pause…then my dad says, “I can’t stand (Jefferson Pilot announcer) Dave Rowe.” Just a small note for Dave Rowe, when my dad says he can’t sign you this is like the pope giving someone the finger during communion. So I listen to Vandy score on my phone, while driving haphazardly from lane to lane in an effort to make certain that I don’t also lose the phone signal.

3. I’m not kidding when I say this, I received eight phone calls mocking my team within two hours of the loss from the following states, California, New Mexico, Washington, D.C. (ok so it’s not really a state), Kentucky, Florida, Hawaii, Tennessee, and Georgia. Now I know what John Kerry felt like when he lost the election to George W. Bush. Having said that, congrats to Vanderbilt for making me officially know what it feels like to hit fandom’s rock bottom.

Astute readers will note that my email address now appears at the bottom of each column I write. This means that assuming you know the difference between to and too, you’re and your, they’re, their, and there, you can have a say in my column topics. So it was that TGT took the time to inform me that my game diaries were entirely ignoring the western United States. Conveniently enough I was able to schedule in a game diary of a west coast game for this Saturday because I knew I would arrive in Detroit, Michigan in time for the start of both the nightly riots and Fresno State- USC. So it was that I hunkered down and went west coast on the game diary.

1. For some reason Fox Sports Detroit decided to join the game fifteen minutes late. I have no idea why. My suspicion is that they had to talk some Michigan fans off the Windsor Bridge after the loss to Ohio State and the ensuing backlog messed up the sports timing.

2. Regardless, when the feed begins, the LA Coliseum is sold out and the announcer says there are 20k fans in attendance from Fresno State.

3. Almost immediately Fresno scores on a fumble recovery in the end zone to go up 7-0.

4. On the ensuing possession USC hands off to Reggie Bush and he goes off tackle for sixty-five yards. Lendell White then scores from five yards out and we are tied at 7.

5. The camera cuts to Fresno State’s head coach Pat Hill who has the best facial hair in college football. Hands down, I’m not accepting any arguments to the contrary.

6. The announcers discuss the history of blimps. Somehow there is a Hindenberg joke made. I think this fulfills the college football Hindenberg joke quota for the year.

7. Spike Lee and Rick Fox are in the house. Wait a minute…Spike Lee and Rick Fox? Is there any doubt that USC leads the nation in fair-weather fans?

8. Quick switch to the Miami-Georgia Tech game to confirm that Miami is in the process of losing to Georgia Tech. This is a pretty shocking outcome. Right now, some Georgia Tech student is furiously typing away at his computer, “Shocking, hardly, there was a statistically prescient likelihood that Georgia Tech would win.” Yeah, whatever. Shocking.

9. Fresno State touchdown 14-7. The cameras find a woman holding up a FresYes sign. I’m going to come clean here. I didn’t get this sign for like five minutes.

10. Reggie Bush goes off tackle for fifteen, stands up, and actually headbuts the Fresno safety. In ten years the Fresno safety is still going to be telling everyone he knows that once Reggie Bush headbutted him in a game.

11. I’d like to apologize for using the word “like” in #9 above.

12. Paul Pinegar, Fresno State’s alliteratively named quarterback, takes the snap so low from center it appears as if he is actually sitting on the field, either that or pretending to drive one of those bumper cars.

13. USC kicked a field goal and Fresno answers with a rope from Pinegar to the post for a touchdown. 21-10 Fresno.

14. Reggie Bush is tackled by #24 of Fresno who pulls off his shoe and sock in the process. The tackler then tosses Bush’s shoe so high into the air that the Goodyear blimp captain remarks, “Hey, there’s Reggie Bush’s shoe.”

15. USC kicks a field goal before the half. 21-13 USC.

16. Pat Hill also has the best cap of any football coach in America. It looks like he’s been wearing the same one since circa ’94. If LSU coach Les Miles is watching, this is how a man is supposed to wear a cap. Great line from the halftime interview when asked if he is going to give a speech, “There’s no speech, we just have to play Bulldog football.”

17. USC drummers wear sunglasses to night football games. Somehow this makes sense.

18. So you no how the west coast fans always complain about how east coast media go to bed before their games are over? Well this columnist had to go outside into the frigid Michigan night and do a set of jumping jacks in a t-shirt and athletic shorts to wake up. It is approximately 12:05 on the east coast and only halftime.

19. The second half starts and Reggie Bush rushes again for 35 or so more yards to inside the one. Asking me to describe this run would be as futile as asking me to explain the motive behind R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet.

20. Anyone who doesn’t love the USC sweaters is a communist. Actually this should be a question on the US citizenship test. “What is the minimum age for the President? Ok, do you love the sweaters on USC’s cheerleaders?”

21. Matt Leinart scores on a TD sneak. 21-20 Fresno. I think Spike Lee’s got jungle mild heat.

22. USC intercepts a pass and on the ensuing play Reggie Bush scores from 45 yards out. Seriously, describing Reggie Bush’s runs with words is just laughable. Suffice it to say, I haven’t seen anything like him since Barry Sanders.

23. One of the announcers describes a Fresno player as “the pride of Chino.” This just blows my mind because I was previously certain the OC’s Ryan Atwood was the pride of Chino.

24. Touchdown pass from Matt Leinart to Steve Smith. Ok, it’s official. Spike Lee’s got Jungle Fever. 34-21 USC.

25. More talk about blimps. This time the announcers discuss the difference between blimps and zeppelins.

26. Fresno answers. Touchdown from Pinegar to Williams, 34-28 USC.

27. One announcer says to the other announcer, “The great thing about the letter O is that when you say O your mouth makes an O.”

28. Pinegar throws his third pick of the quarter to USC’s safety Ryan Ting. This is the bumper car equivalent of having one of the employees come out and restart your car after you get pinned somewhere on the track.

29. USC’s safety Ryan Ting owns a crocodile. According to the announcers, recently he turned off the lights in the locker room shower and released the crocodile while players offensive linemen showered. Steve Irwin was apoplectic, “It’s a beautiful animal,” he said of the crocodile, “not a fat naked men terrorizer.”

30. Reggie Bush scores again from 50 yards out on 2nd and 19 to give USC a 41-28 lead. Ok, I’m going to just tell you this, at approximately the twenty-five yard line, Bush came to a complete stop and then ran across the entire width of the field to score from the opposite side. Oh, and no one ever touched him. Bush has 258 yards rushing and 396 all purpose yards.

31. Fresno scores on a Pinegar touchdown pass. Time for more jumping jacks in the cold. It is 1:30 am on the east coast and USC leads 41-35.

32. Reggie Bush proves he is human by fumbling the ensuing kickoff. Fresno scores on the next play on a rush by their tailback Mathis. Can someone with over four hundred yards of offense be the goat? 42-41 Fresno.

33. There’s about eight minutes left in the game and I start to wonder whether USC would still be voted #1 in this week’s new poll even if they lost because no one anywhere but the west coast would even notice. If they lose, Pete Carroll should just respond to all questions by saying, “What loss?”

34. Of course, USC scores nine points in three minutes a field goal and a touchdown with a missed two-point conversion. 50-42 USC.

35. Inexplicably one announcer says to the other announcer as Fresno takes the field to attempt a tying drive that Fresno’s offense is “on their heels.” Is he kidding? Only on the west coast can a team score 42 points on another team and be described as on their heels.

36. USC intercepts an ill-advised pass in the end zone to finish the game after Fresno had driven down to the USC 25. Thirty-three wins in a row and counting.

37. I climb into bed at 2:15. For everyone not from California…I promise this game did actually occur and Reggie Bush did really rush for 294 yards and have 513 all-purpose yards.

Recently a reader from the Pac-10 was kind enough to email me. Jan from Fresno stated, “I am sick of hearing about the teams from the SEC. You pay them too much attention.”

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