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Alone with the Baron
11/15/05
by DJ

This column was brought about by SHAW's¹ column about Warring Personalities. He made me realize that it is not abnormal to have dual personalities: that voice in your head. But while SHAW seems to be at war with his, I have found peace with mine. Let me explain. One would think traveling a lot, from state to state, country to country, contintent to continent every year, I would get lonely. Sure I miss the company of my loving wife when responsibility restraints prohibit us from being together from time to time. And it would be nice not to miss all the birthdays of my family members and the drunken phone calls from my buddies. But I am not always alone. I have my most loyal companion. He is always there. Some would say he is merely the voice inside my head, or just an imaginary friend, but I beg to differ. His name is Baron Bob von Backlin. And he is quite real. Allow me to tell you a little about him.

He comes somewhere from the Eastern Bloc, but has several estates in Lisboa, Dubai, Wales, and Tacoma, WA to name a few. He looks like the big black guy who sang the hook to "Gangsta's Paradise" [editor's note: that guy's name was "LV"], but he talks like that guy who does all the action movie trailer promos. And let me tell you, sometimes he can be a real asshole. He always arrives unannounced. There are times I get out of the shower or wake up and he would just be sitting there on the couch. Usually I hear him play his entrance music, "The Final Countdown" by Europe, but sometimes he just sneaks on in without warning. The nerve of him! He would just sit there and watch TV without so much as a hello. And he's a remote hog. He loves cover songs. His favorites are Avril Lavigne's "Knockin' On Heavens Door" and Britney Spears' "I Love Rock and Roll". I try and tell him it's just karoake, but he'll just tell me to shut up. Jerk. When we eat, he insists on eating out of the pot in his finest red garbs, which are really just red boxer shorts with holes in the crotch. There are times when we won't talk for hours; we'll just sit there, which is cool because he is really judgmental and sarcastic. Ass. Then I'll get up to go to the bathroom and when I come back he's gone, not so much as a good bye. What kind of friend is that?

He's always peeing in the sink and sometimes won't shower for days. He farts and blames it on me... In front of guests! He makes me do things I don't want to do, like stay up late and drink straight bourbon, watch old JAG reruns, and sometimes wear clothes that are out of style and don't match or fit. He tried to get me to sue Hollywood for false advertisement regarding the movie "Banger Sisters". One time he went out flashing and wouldn't fess up... so of course I got blamed for it.... again....

What really pisses me off is when The Baron (as he likes to be called) will show up blind drunk at my games at random. I don't know how he gets in because I never leave him a ticket. Just to bust my aggards, he'll be wearing the colors from the other team, sometimes even wearing that big "Number 1" foam finger and hurling nonsensical insults at me. One time he threatened to tell everyone I had a crush on MC Lyte in high school if I didn't throw the game. The Baron is a master at mind games.

The longer I stay by myself, the more rambunctious he gets. I think he's scared of my wife because whenever she comes he leaves in a huff. As a corollary, he's not all bad or I would just tell him to leave when he shows up. He tells me the most hilarious jokes that keep me in stitches. Yet he gets made at me when I tell them to other people without giving him credit. Strange isn't it? He's the master at the "Who would you rather do..." game and the "Would you rather..." game. He's very creative. And he'll bring up questions like "What ever happened to Puddle of Mudd and Lil' Zane?", and "Why do people watch Becker?". But I am rambling. He's just your average voice-in-the-back-of-your-head-best-friend. You know what I'm talking about. I'm sure yours is way cooler than mine, but don't tell him. He'll get pissed. The Baron is sensitive like that. Feel free to tell us a little about yours on our message board.

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[1] I type SHAW in all caps because that is the way it sounds in my head. As a side note, The Baron cares not for SHAW and finds him troubling, at best.

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