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Ask JT: The Deadly Hippos' first advice column
11/14/05
by JT

JT is not a qualified psychiatrist. He is not an expert in the self-help field. He is not an expert on anything. He is simply a man who drinks a pint of whiskey before answering his readers questions and pleas for help... and hopes that in some way he can assist them in their pathways through life... but most likely, he won't:

Dear JT,

Recently I have become aroused in the middle of the night while my wife is next to me. I react to this by humping her until she wakes up. Is this legal?

-Horny Humper in Houston

Dear Triple H-

I applaud your candor on this subject. This is a serious issue which affects many married men. This action is not only legal, it is recommended. But I always recommend it before the sharing of vows as an indicator of whether or not the woman is willing and able to be your betrothed. It is a move I like to call "cattle branding". When branding a cattle (I assume) if it does not flinch when the fiery hot iron seers its oh so succulent flesh, you know it is a good steer that will cause little to no problems. If it flinches and reverse kicks you, causing a pain that you thought only existed in the deepest depths of hell, maybe its time to slaughter it and use its skin to create a fashionable yet comfortable fall coat. This same rule applies to women. If she doesn't flinch when you are cattle branding her, snatch that lady up in a bear trap and make her your wife!

Now if you are already married and your wife refuses your advances whilst cattle branding, or upon waking up shreiks and pleads for you to stop your voracious humping, I say that you show her the strength of your pimp hand. Let her know who the boss is and demand that she fulfill her duties as a wife. When you are finished kiss her lovingly and tell her how much you adore her. You don't want her to go to sleep angry do you?

(side note- Do not attempt this move with a random drunk sorority girl you met earlier that evening. I have spent my share of nights down at the station explaining that my actions were not rape and in fact cattle branding to the local athorities. But as they say, you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette.)

Mulder attempts the cattle branding technique on Scully

Dear JT,

I am newly single and my other single friend and I go out to the bars every so often. I think we are two good looking girls and are friendly and nice and should at least have some men come talk to us and maybe even buy us a drink or two. But many times we go ALL night long without one guy approaching us. What gives? Must we always be the ones to make the first move? The answer we often get is that we must be intimidating, but we are not the “supermodel” type by any means and are normal looking girls. Please help!

Lonely In Los Alomos

Dear Lonely,

First of all welcome back to the dating pool! Hopefully you are still in some sort of slutty rebound stage and I will meet you out at the bars one day. But I probably won't so here is some advice. The majority of men in the world are not having as much sex as they claim they are. With that knowledge in tow, you need to understand that to many men out there a "normal looking girl" equates to a "supermodel" in their desperate, horny minds and they most likely need to drink up the courage to talk to anyone without a penis. (Present company excluded of course) This can be effectively observed when utilizing JT's patent pending Duration Of Dryness Scale, heretofore to be referred to as the DODS. Using the classic 1-10 scale of hotness, the DODS breaks down thusly:

Length of Time Since He Got Laid

Hotness Level of Women He Will Hit On

1 Day Fresh off his latest conquest he may just be out to have some fun with the boys. It will take a 9 or 10 to catch his eye. Think professional cheerleaders. Most likely his mindset is, "Why would I eat some bologna when I can have a perfectly good steak?" Chances of him hitting on you... 4%

1 Week Starting to feel the twinge. Will most likely hit on anyone above a 7... Or anyone who was or will be a 7 within a two year time frame. Chances of him hitting on you... 50/50

1 Month
At this point he is starting to consider outragous things like sleeping with the semi-attractive 45 year old cat lady who lives in his apartment complex. But he still has some dignity and is out at the bar hoping to land anyone who is a 4.5 or above. By this point his confidence is waivering and he is beginning to question his "game", but is still plugging away. Chances of him hitting on you... 70%

1 Year
By the time the anniversary rolls around he has either given up completely on having sex and now lives in his parents basement playing Halo 2 for 19 hours a day, or he is so horny that he would bang Rosie O'Donnell like a snare drum in front of the entire bar. Depending on which route he has chosen you have either a 100% chance or 0% chance with this guy.

Now you may be thinking that this doesn't help you at all. And you are right. And I absolutely could not care less. I enjoy any chance I have of sharing my DODS theory with the general population. So for some advice that may actually help you get some action, it sounds like you both are fairly good looking women so maybe it is in the presentation. Here are some tips:

1.) Dress sluttier. Think Paris Hilton.

2.) Act incredibly drunk. Adopt the phrase, "Oh my God! I'm so wasted right now!"

3.) If all else fails start kissing each other.

Any one of these three should help you get hit on more often. Combine all three and the entire bar will be trying to get in them panties... Including the lesbians.

Respectfully,

Guys don't notice you? Try kissing your friend

Dear JT -

I have D cup sized breasts. Just last weekend I was in a strip club and the dancers couldn't keep their hands off them. I am considering a breast reduction surgery but my boyfriend is very much against it. What should I do?

Big Breasted in Birmingham

Dear Killer D's-

Whoa! Slow down now. Lets not do anything drastic. The words breast and reduction should never be used in the same sentence. I am about to make a statement, and there has never been a truer statement than this in the history of advice columns....Your huge magnificent perky melons are a gift from the good Lord himself. We should not start throwing away these Holy gifts as though they were a used condom at a Minnesota Vikings boat party! I am shocked and appalled that you would even consider such a thing. And did you say that you were at a strip club? God bless you my child..... Now lets just talk this thing out and come to some sort of mutually beneficial solution for everyone involved. First of all, you should send plenty of photos of your glorious rack to me at deadlyhippos@gmail.com .... for research. Second, you should consider going topless at all times, or at least wear a white, soaking wet t-shirt. Third, you should listen to your boyfriend. He knows what is best when it comes to matters of the chesticles. Trust me as I have spent more time studying these glorious mammary masterpieces then the average Trekkie spends studying the Klingon language. Do not... let me repeat... .DO NOT ever reduce the size of your breasts.... ever. Lets not ever mention such outlandish inclinations again.

Now that we have that settled. How is your boyfriend? Has he recovered yet from the shock to his system when you mentioned "that which we do not mention"? My advice is to spend many hours constantly fellating him as he watches Sportscenter and Entourage repeats while he is talking to his buddies on the phone reciting lines from The Big Lebowski.... it is the only humane thing to do.

Yours truly,

And the Lord said, "Thy sweater midgets are a gift unto thee"

Do you have any tough questions that need answering? Do you need help with the difficulties that life presents you? Then email JT at deadlyhippos@gmail.com or post them on the message board... and if you're lucky he might not answer them in his next advice column.

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Length of Time Since He Got Laid	Hotness Level of Women He Will Hit On
1 Day	Fresh off his latest conquest he may just be out to have some fun with the boys. It will take a 9 or 10 to catch his eye. Think professional cheerleaders. Most likely his mindset is, "Why would I eat some bologna when I can have a perfectly good steak?" Chances of him hitting on you... 4%
1 Week	Starting to feel the twinge. Will most likely hit on anyone above a 7... Or anyone who was or will be a 7 within a two year time frame. Chances of him hitting on you... 50/50
1 Month	At this point he is starting to consider outragous things like sleeping with the semi-attractive 45 year old cat lady who lives in his apartment complex. But he still has some dignity and is out at the bar hoping to land anyone who is a 4.5 or above. By this point his confidence is waivering and he is beginning to question his "game", but is still plugging away. Chances of him hitting on you... 70%
1 Year	By the time the anniversary rolls around he has either given up completely on having sex and now lives in his parents basement playing Halo 2 for 19 hours a day, or he is so horny that he would bang Rosie O'Donnell like a snare drum in front of the entire bar. Depending on which route he has chosen you have either a 100% chance or 0% chance with this guy.