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A Tale of the Tape: Are Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba actually two different people?
11/18/05
by Clay

For a time I was utterly confused as to whether Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba were actually two different people. It seemed possible to me that both were the same ridiculously hot person. For instance, in the completely incestuous world that is Hollywood celebrity have you ever seen both at the same event, same movie, same television show, or same anything at all for that matter. As I slowly convinced myself that I was about to uncover the greatest lie ever sold to the American public (excepting the 2000 Presidential election and the attractiveness of Jamie Foxx), I decided to call deadlyhippos writer Shaw to express my concern.  Unfortunately, Shaw did not share my concerns.  “Clay, they look absolutely nothing alike.”

For a week I wept, did not leave my room, and avoided the television show 7^th Heaven with all my heart. In the end, when I emerged from my room, I was a changed man (like Andy Dufresne after he was acquainted with the realities of prison life). I wanted to tell Red that I just couldn’t take it anymore. My opportunity to become the Bob Woodward of my generation was dashed.

Red to Clay: “Well,” long pause, “I reckon if you haven’t confused one fine ass,” pause, “with another fine ass,” pause, “you really haven’t lived at all.”

Ultimately, I blame this confusion on three primary factors:

1. you don’t have to look at either woman in the face to appreciate them
2. both share a first name and a four-letter last name.
3. I am an idiot.

It wasn’t until the movie Stealth that I was finally able to recognize Jessica Biel for the independently talented actress that she was. (See review here) But in an effort to eliminate this confusion for men and women everywhere (even if as Shaw asserts no one else in the entire world shares my confusion), I decided to enact a tale of the tape for these two ladies and also to assess which is the most deserving of the name Jessica for all eternity. First a three photo retrospective of these two women.

Biel with a finger placement
that will haunt mankind for all eternity.

Alba	More Alba	Potentially Alba

Bra size:

Jessica Biel:

34C  This highly technical information comes from a single line featured in the movie Stealth wherein Biel states, “Watch out for my C cup,” to a costar as he walks around her laundered underwear that is hanging from the ceiling.

Jessica Alba:

34 B This is based on the fact that she gave her measurements for Rolling Stone magazine as 34-24-34. Also because when in doubt about any woman 34B is a great answer. 

Edge: Biel.

Intellect:

Jessica Biel:

Attended Tufts University in Boston for three semesters. Perhaps has an ironic sense of geography in that her dog is from LA and bears the name “East.” Has potentially used a four syllable word before.

Jessica Alba:

Her biography makes no mention of college. Also has never used a four syllable word in her entire life and appeared to struggle through her MTV Music Awards interview.

Edge: Biel

Ease of locating topless photos:

Ok, and by topless, I meant featuring a nipple (even if visible through clothing).

Everyone owes me huge.

Nothing for Biel. Don’t you just know that Jessica Alba’s agent was throwing things around the room when these pictures hit the internet?

Edge: Alba.

Nicknames:

Jessica Biel:

Jesse

Jessica Alba:

Sky Angel.

Remarkably Jessica Alba’s nickname is longer than her actual name. But Jesse as short for Jessica? Why is it that girls always have nicknames that suck.

Edge: Push.

Odds either would talk to any member of deadlyhippos staff:

Jessica Biel:

Was raised in Boulder, Colorado where JT and DJ starred as Colorado Buffalo basketball players. Unfortunately, she became a star in 1996 with the WB’s 7^th Heaven which was before our guys were in school. Also is a singer. So Shaw may have a chance. Just for kicks, here is a picture of Shaw singing while wearing a do-rag around his neck. (He is second from right next to the guy moving so fast with the Holy Spirit that he is a blur).

250 to 1.

Jessica Alba:

Her father is Mexican and some people think the 27 is Mexican. Ergo, this could be a match made in heaven. Also is from the OC which is where DJ’s wife Mo resides. But talking to Mo doesn’t count. 500 to 1.

“De nada,” quoth the 27.

Edge: Biel.

Height:

Jessica Biel:

5’7.5

Jessica Alba:

5’6.5

Edge: Depends on how short of a guy you are. Push.

Odds either could kick my ass factor:

Jessica Biel:

3 to 1.

“Two plates…I laugh at two plates.”.

Jessica Alba:

No plates. 300 to 1.

Edge: Alba.

Endearing flaw that makes both seem borderline human:

Jessica Biel:

None.

Jessica Alba:

Overbite and lisp.

Edge: Alba.

After all this they still tie 3-3 with two pushes. Just as I was about to reassert my original thesis that these two women were actually the same person, I found this photo.

I don’t believe it. Here is Jessica Biel standing alongside Jessica Alba with their respective dogs. 

My impeccable research skills have legitimately proven for all eternity that these two women are actually not the same person. Come back next week when I attempt to prove once and for all via metaphysical mastery that China and Japan are actually the same country.

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