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17 Guys you can't get mad at for boning your girl
11/23/05
by JT

We've all been there. Whether you were watching a movie, a TV show, a sporting event, anything, and your girl hints at the fact that she thinks another man is good looking. You aren't sure how to react to this "over-share" of information. Should you be mad? Should you just let it slide? What is a real man to do?

Well my friends, there are three different types of men in the world and they will react to this tidbit of knowledge in the following ways:

1.) Guy who gets pissed at his girl - This man is a control freak and can't handle his woman not being submissive at all times. This slip of the tongue alone will cost his woman a rather significant beating, no telling what he'll do if she actually cheats on him. The next day she will tell her coworkers that she slipped on the ice... they will know the truth.

2.) Guy who doesn't care - This man is so laid back and easy going that his girl would have to be literally sleeping with his best friend in front of him, while repeatedly kicking his dog and calling his mama foul names in order to get a reaction out of him. Many girls can't handle this type of man because they think he doesn't care. In most cases he doesn't. If he catches his girl cheating he will most likely just leave her and move on with little to no drama. Unless she is extraordinarily hot, in which case he will bang her one more time before moving on. (this is the category I fall in)

3.) Guy who gets pissed at the other dude - We've all heard the saying don't hate the player hate the game. Well this guy hates both of them and will kick the shit out of them if they ever lay a hand on his girl! In fact don't even look at his girl. Why are you staring at his girl from across the room? Because he will march right over and smack the hell out of you right in front of the minister. He doesn't care if its his wedding. You better not look at his girl!

The problem with these guys is that there is a gaping loophole that they may not know about. There are a group of individuals out there who you cannot, under any circumstances, get mad at your girl for boning. In fact, you would be disappointed to learn that your girl had passed up a chance to bed one of these select few.

JT knows who they are.

That’s right, and I will now share this wealth of knowledge with you, the DH faithful. I give you the 17 dudes you can't get mad at your girl for boning¹:

1.) Captain Kirk - The only documented universal pimp in history. The leader of the Starship Enterprise has boned the hottest women of every alien race across the universe. Why wouldn't he bone your girl? The only reason you can get pissed at him is if he gives your girl a nasty case of the Klingon Clap, which she then passes on to you. Otherwise, don't be pissed when Scotty beams him into your woman’s lotus flower.

Captains Log: Must.... smack... that ass.

2.) Brad Pitt - If the last two women a man had sex with were Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, and the women he chooses for his next conquest is your girl, there is no way you should feel upset about this. You should feel both honored and privileged. Your woman must be among the hottest 3 girls on the planet.

The last two chicks that Brad Pitt has boned

3.) The Rock - Seriously what are you going to do? He is bigger than you, stronger than you, and most likely funnier than you too. Just chalk this one up as an L and move on with life. Besides, too many years of steroid abuse have most likely shriveled his crank to the size of a golf pencil.... or at least you can keep telling yourself that.

"Hey, what’s up Rock! Nice vest man.... what’s that? Oh, you want to bone my girl? Yeah ok, sure... umm... I'll just be in the other room then".

4.) Doug Flutie - Never before has one man brought an entire team as well as their legions of fans to their knees. Flutie did this to "The U" ... why should your girl be any different.

Flutie celebrates as a lineman from The U assumes the position

5.) Billy Idol - well, since he probably boned her mother, it must run in the family. you can't fight genetics. Just hope that she isn't his bastard child. That would just be weird.

Think your girl can resist this? Her mom couldn't.

6.) Kobe Bryant - We all know what happened to him the last time he cheated on his wife. If he is willing to take that risk again by boning your lady then she must be incredibly hot.... or she could just be a young, white woman working at a hotel.

Honey, I did it again... but she was really hot this time... I swear

7.) 007 - He can walk into any bar in the world and they know his drink order through mere eye contact, and his name is a NUMBER. Those two reasons alone make me horny......I know he isn't real, but if he was, you would probably just call him up and ask him to bone your girl. Then you could tell everybody that you're dating a Bond Girl. Plus, you might get Q to build you some cool ass rocket launcher for your car. See, everybody wins.

You know exactly what he's drinking, and so does your girl. He can probably kill you with those cufflinks too...

8.) Trent from Swingers - He is as cool as you wish you were. Actually, he's probably cooler. If he boned your girl it would give you a chance to hang out with him for a while and maybe a bit of that coolness will rub off on you. Plus you know you could never stay mad at him anyway. He'd probably just think up some witty nickname for you, destroy you in some Sega Hockey while openly mocking you in front of your friends, and then you would hit all of the cool underground clubs in LA where he would score another beautiful baby. That doesn't sound so bad does it?

Trent points out the beautiful baby he is going to take home... it turns out its your girl.

9.) Tony Soprano - You know what... it's just not worth dying for... it really isn't.

I'm going to bone your girl... You got a problem wit that?

10.) Jenna Jameson - If you find out your girl hooked up with Jenna Jameson, anger is not the feeling that should arise. In fact, the only thing that should rise is the tent in your pants as she relays the details of her experience. Actually, it doesn't have to be limited to Jenna Jameson. It could be any porn star. Actually, any hot woman who believes that sex is equally as important as a functioning respiratory system will do.

Jenna and your girl... let your imagination run wild.

11.) Bill Gates - He is the richest man in the world as well as one of the ugliest. So you know your girl is only doing it for the cash. The extortion possibilities are endless. And if you are lucky, maybe he planted his seed in your woman, and if that’s the case then you just hit the baby lottery!

Your girl can't resist once Bill gets his floppy disk into her hard drive

12.) Bruce Lee - He may be able to kick your ass, and he might even be able to defeat Chuck Norris in hand to hand combat... but he will not be able to please your woman. After all.... he IS Asian. And you know what that means.

You can fight me all you want Bruce, but that won't make up for your other... shortcomings

13.) Don Johnson - come on you douchebags. You already wear the pink shirts. And I'm sure you "pop the collar" don't you? You already wear the 80's style sunglasses and white jackets. You worship this man. Now, after he bangs your lady, it will be sort of like you had sex with him. That’s what you really want... isn't it? Fags.

Pink Shirts:
On Sonny Crockett - Cool
On you - Gay

14.) Winston Churchill - There is a saying in my world and it goes like this, "If you defeat Hitler and the Nazi's then you get a shot with my girl." Period. This saying is true for every free-born male on the planet.

Sir Churchill- As a thanks for defeating the Nazis
I'd like you to give my girl a nice shagging.

15.) Tom Selleck - There are powers in that mustache that we do not understand. Your girl probably had a crush on him when she was little and he was Magnum PI. Plus, no matter how hairy you are, he is guaranteed to have more body hair than you.... Christ, he looks like a partially shaved wookie. So thusly you will look less hairy from that point forward in her eyes. Another bonus, he might let you sit in that Ferrari he had.

After boning your girl Tom will often pretend to talk on a phone that isn't plugged in to anything.

16.) Dan Marino - You may say, "But JT, he's not cool anymore, not that good looking, he's boring and he doesn't have any exciting qualities," and you're right. But that uncool, ugly, boring man with no qualities once threw for 5,000 yards man..... 5,000 yards.

Dan stops for a quick photo before boning your girl

17.) Any Superhero.... Except for Daredevil - Look Daredevil may not be gay, it may just be Ben Affleck... but it doesn't matter whose fault it is because they both fell off the cool list a long time ago. As for the others, they are HEROES.... with SUPER POWERS. You really can't compete with that. Plus if she bangs Catwoman (as played by either Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Barry) that would be awesome.

Even cartoon Catwoman is hot. Which begs the question, can Catwoman bone your girl doggy style? Is that even possible?

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[1] You may notice my excessive use of the words "bone" and "boning". That’s because those words are awesome.

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