Reader Response; Will Anderson


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Reader Response, May 5
5/5/05
by Clay

We have now received our second great email raising several intriguing questions that need to be resolved.

Reader Will Anderson writes,

Hippos,

Hi, first time writer longtime reader. I am writing to add to/respond to articles written recently (My Pink Shirt, Rating Hangover's, and the Dawson's Creek thing).

Pink shirts are being accepted as legitimate heterosexual clothing in society. This makes me question society. What are your collective thoughts on the homosexualizing of males? I don't want to come off as a gay basher, just a concerned citizen, and a victim.
As far as hangovers go I was wondering what, if any, are the deadlyhippos approved cures for hangovers? Also, I don't know if I'm alone on this or not, but I seem to have a problem with "unprovoked erection" or "spastic boner" during hangovers 1 through 4. Is this common? I don't really see it as a problem, but rather a gift. But it does lead to uncomfortable events in the work environment. Just seeking advice.

Last, and certainly not least, is the Dawson's Creek issue. My focus is on Katie Holmes aka Joey Potter. I wonder if she is too tall for Tom Cruise. This brings me to a concern I have about a friend who has a little bit of a unhealthy obsession with Cruise. Recently he was in L.A. and had went out with Holmes. Shortly thereafter Holmes broke off her engangement. I happily called my friend a homewrecker, but I'm loosing my point. Upon learning that Holmes and Cruise were hooking up, my friend was much more excited than he needed to be. I think he is happy about the fact that he inadvertently was intimate with Mr. Cruise. Again, as his friend I am concerned, and wonder if I should say something to him, or ignore it and hope it is forgotten?

Keep up the good work Deadly Hippos. Hopefully you will be able to respond in a helpful manner to my questions.

Sincerely,

A very bored resident of Carmel, IN, who has nothing better to do than write to you guys.

I'll take these questions in the order they were presented. First of all, what are our thoughts about the homosexualizing of males?

As the writer and proud wearer of a pink shirt, I have to make a confession. The afternoon that my pink shirt column ran, a group of high school girls who I am coaching for a moot court competition arrived and immediately began to mock me for the pink shirt. This taught me that perhaps the pink shirt craze has not alit on the shores of the Virgin Islands and once again wracked me with the same self-doubt that DJ's "burn" of ten years ago caused. Have we just feminized a group of men of the ages of approximately 22-35? If so, doesn't this raise some alarming issues? Rather than consider all the future pummelings that might be in store if this is the case, I would suggest the following:

Assiduous following of the continuing and updated rules of maniquette.
Thank god that given the choice between the two, society has emasculated men rather than masculating women. Otherwise, Rosie O'Donnell would be even more popular than she already is and Whoopi Goldberg would be a pinup queen.
On wearing a pink shirt this can cut both ways; some women will think this guy is confident enough to wear a pink shirt, other women will think, this guy is gay. Upon further consideration you win either way, because don't chicks always want to be dating the gay guy? Unless you are this guy, Oliver, in which case you lose no matter what color shirt you are wearing.

Incidentally, we may attempt to make contact with the guy who wrote this and provide him a photo of me to destroy as well. Thanks to JT for immediately pointing out that the pink shirt craze was not so much of a craze by finding this link.

For your second question, regarding hangover cures, I am going to defer this answer to DJ as he is a hangover expert and currently traveling from Europe back to the states for his bachelor party and wedding. Undoubtedly he is drunk somewhere over the Atlantic as we speak.

For your third question, regarding whether or not your friend should be happy about Tom Cruise dating Katie Holmes and his hookup chain linkage to Tom Cruise, I am both shocked and flummoxed. Because this is the second person I've heard bragging about their connection to Tom Cruise via hookup in the same day. This is despite having never heard anyone brag about being connected to Tom Cruise ever before for any reason. The other guy's connection was that he had hooked up with Tom Cruise's sister who was employed by her brother as his publicist. And now we have a Katie Holmes hookup that antedates the current union. This sounds like the worst twilight zone episode ever made.

First of all, let me just congratulate your friend on being capable of hooking up with Katie Holmes. This is no small feat. In fact, four years ago, preteen and teenage males everywhere (and Shaw and myself) would have given an appendage to hook up with her. Then she was naked in The Gift and you really knew how much you were missing so the value moved to at least two appendages. So I'm going to have to say that hooking up with Katie Holmes is even cooler than DJ hanging out with Colin Farrell and that, my friend, is truly saying something. I'm also going to have to request more information about the details of your friends rendezvous with Joey Potter. For instance, did it in any way involve using a ladder or watching 1980's movies? Did Pacey hook up with 39 year-old Andie afterwards to make her jealous?

As for whether or not your friend should be bragging about the Tom Cruise connection, the answer is a resounding one: Hell no. He hooked up with Katie Holmes and was presumably tangentially involved in Oz from American Pie's blowing a .20 in a drunken fit of rage. In fact, this sounds like the potential plot line for American Pie IV. Basically, your friends accomplishment is so cool, he should not need to in any way reference Tom Cruise's status with Katie Holmes. His infatuation with doing so is suggestive of a major sexual crush on Tom Cruise. Which is not allowed. A man may have a nonsexual crush on a single man at any one time, but the key word is nonsexual. For instance, for the last two years, I have harbored a nonsexual crush on Nick Lachey. Your friends Cruise fixation threatens to spill into the sexual realm and is just not necessary or allowed. Confront him with repetitive viewings of the The Gift if necessary. Slowly play and rewind the scene where a topless Katie Holmes reclines against the car in the midst of her sordid affair with Greg Kinnear. Repeat over and over again, you lived every man's fantasy. You were the real life Greg Kinnear. Do this until he breaks down and cries and begs your tearful remorse.

Thanks for reading and if any readers have their own responses to these questions feel free to post them on the message board. Hopefully, we can have more details about your friends sordid tryst with Katie Holmes. DJ will return shortly from Europe and provide the perfect way to recover from a hangover.