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Rants, Raves, and Ruminations III
5/25/05
by DJ

Time for another dose of Rants, Raves, and Ruminations as the turgid haze of the DPOD slowly lifts. Life must go on now. This edition finds me deep in thought mainly over the NBA playoffs, amongst other things...

Rants:

1. Shawn Bradley had played a total of 27 minutes at press time. Yet he somehow found a way to embarass himself, his organization, and the state of Texas. McGrady emasculated him, giving him a fecal toupee on a national stage. He has the uncanny ability to attract flying nut sacs.You are 7foot 6 inches of god awfulness. GET A CLUE. GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!.

2. Continuing the theme of being aerially challenged, our boy Rasha Nesterovic plods in at number two. Ray Allen rose above him, left handed no less, and tea-bagged him, leaving mushroom print bruises on his forehead in the process. Rasho could probably pick Allen's grundle out of a line up now.The 7 footer looked like a cowering paramecium, writhing in a petry dish of his own futility.

3.The NBA gods somehow managed to put 80% of the leagues ugliest players in the same gym: Sonics vs. Spurs. Bruce Bowen looks like someone just farted, Duncan looks close to tears at all times, Parker's unibrow looks like a headband, Barry and Collison's beards my god, Devin Brown looks like his face caught fire ans someone put it out with a frying pan, Radmanovic's hair looks like an oil leak, and Beno Udrih looks like his last name, just to name a few....

Raves:

1. Manu Ginobli. Not only did he win the Gold Medal in Athens, he might win the NBA Championship as well, joining Scottie and Mike as the only players to do so in back to back year. He's a wizard with the ball, has a good J, and will dunk on you. He was second on my MVP ballot, which coincidently doesn't really count for anything. He's so good I will leave his shnoz and Euro-mullet be....for now.

2. Shakira. Like Brittany and Jessica, she is best when on mute, but I can actually stand her singing because its usually in Spanish so I don't understand her, making it hotter somehow.

3. Zach Braff. He's the faux dorky doc on Scrubs, a show with no stars yet is funny (cameos from Heather Graham aka Roller Girl and Heather Locklear also help). And Colin Ferrell was in an episode, taking my ZB number to 1 and who can say that! This, and he directed and starred in his own movie Garden State, which won..stuff...at...that...Sundance...thingy, and it was actually good. Add to it he just directed a video by Gavin McGraw called "Chariot". The song stinks to high heaven, really high school prom-ish, but the video wasn't bad. He's good because he isn't typecast into a particular role, and his veratility will propel him in the future to be a great director. You heard it here first.

Ruminations:

1. Gwen Stefani is hotter than a comet's ass, but what exactly is up with the "Hollaback Girl" song and video? The cheerleading uni on her kept me watching though, secretly wishing Gavin Rossdale would die a slow, excrutiating death....

2. I'm just waiting for Grant Hill to ho-slap Bill Walton back to the 70's when being an ass in public was cool...

3. I just realized all the people named DJ on TV while I was growing up (DJ Tanner, Full House and the weird little kid DJ on Roseanne) were irrevocably uncool. Ironically, I was a weird little kid and I grew up in a full house, and I am tanner than most of the hippos.....I now know why the name DJ is lame. If there are any cool DJ's, by name and not musical profession, please post it on the message board.

Until next time....