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More Rants, Raves, and Ruminations
5/9/05
by DJ

Today, fellow hippsters (I know I will recieve a brutal and well deserved e-bludgeoning for that) is my 26th birthday. Please forward all birthday cards to me with a slightly witty quip through gmail. The winner gets site acces for the rest of the year. I embark on the second quarter of my life with great optomism. My career is good, my woman is good, and my columns are good. Life is good. With that I release the second Rant, Rave, and Ruminations column.

Rants:

1. That Ying-Yang twins song in which they whisper the whole time, ingeniusly titled "Wait (The Whisper Song)" is soon to be the next parenthetical song for this site. It is terrible. You have to turn the volume way up and then the next song is way to loud...

2. International flights. Granted my flights are usually business class, but I remember eons ago in the fetal years of my manhood, traveling with the tattered masses in economy when the booze was free and the food was good. Now, they strongarm you for drinks and food upgrades, Friendly skies my ass...

3.Tonic water. This carbonated connundrum will be making an appearance in the next Maniquette. I hate it. In what world is water bubbly like champagne? It burns like ghonorrhea when it gets in your eye (don't ask me how I know the feeling of either one of those...) and actually makes gin taste better....

Raves:

1. 50 Cent. He will never be poor. Ever. He has not released a song this year that has been lower than number 5 on every countdown, domestic and international. He's had 5 songs on the Billboard Top 10, at the same time, a feat only my beloved Beatles have accomplished. And he boned Vivica Fox . How long before he over takes Eminem? And he boned Vivica Fox. Would hate to see his Icarus-esqe fall from grace. I think he boned a chic named Vivica Fox....

2. Putting coleslaw on sandwiches....simply awesome

3. Call me a a hayseed redneck from Nashville, but I can't wait to see The Dukes of Hazzard with Jessica Simpson as Daisy. The Pythagorean Theory/Transitive Property hybrid proves my hypothesis to be correct: JS will be in jean short cut-offs, so short you can see the pockets and her lower ass checks peeking out precariously, like the wary groundhog in February. And she will be ablaze with scorching hotness. And I pray that this will start a fashion trend of hot redneck girs doing the same (you can take the boy outta Nashville.....) Hopefully the movie will be played without sound. Her voice is so annoying it makes my nipples go soft...

Ruminations:

1. Top 5 Groups That Should Have Been Huge:

The Verve- That first CD was stellar, and got 5-stars in every mag....
Nirvana- Just imagine how much bigger they would have been...
Digable Planets- Would have been the first OutKast/Fugees hybrid...
Jimmy Eat World- I thought they were better than they were, much like they did...
Tie: Blind Melon/The Cardigans: Embodied early 90's psuedo grunge pop, too bad that pesky 1996 year had to roll around...

2. Napoleon Dynamite is without a doubt a genius film. Its no sex, cursing, violence, and low budget violates every that is Maniquette about a movie, yet it is sheer class. Overtakes The Big Lebowski as the funniest movie of all time in my book....

3. Webcams, when used properly, they are both mans greatest accomplishment and also downfall.

Will be back at you soon hipponation....<DJ>