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2004-2005 NBA ALL UGLY TEAMS
5/26/05
by JT

Recently the NBA announced its 1st, 2nd, and 3rd All NBA teams. In addition to this they also gave out a cornucopia of random other awards (ie. All Defense, All Rookie, Comeback Player of the Year, 6th Man of the Year, etc.) This led me to ponder on the various other players who may have been overlooked for other types of awards. So after said pondering was complete, I developed JT's First Annual All-Ugly Teams:

The DeadlyHippos.com 2004-2005 NBA ALL UGLY TEAMS

1st Team

Sam Cassell-

In the world of ugliness, there is Sam Cassell, and then there is everyone else. Sam is the undisputed lord of ugly in the NBA. Not even a mother could love this face. His truculence transcends the sporting world and could very well land him in the top spot as the ugliest face on the planet. With his eyes much too far apart and oddly pointed head, many believe that Sam is in fact an alien. Aliens are officially offended.

Michael Ruffin-

It pains me to put Mike on the team due to the fact that he is one of 3 NBAers from the great state of Colorado. That being said, he is an incredibly ugly human. It seems that Mike has issues with actually closing his mouth, leaving his gargantuan gums and dolphin teeth in full view at all times. He has the wingspan of a pterodactyl resulting in his arms being unfortunately long compared to his body. This is great for both rebounding and repulsing the opposite sex.

Tyrone Hill -

If anyone on this list can give Sam Cassell a run for his money it is Tyrone Hill. I'm not even sure he plays anymore due to the fact that he was giving small children nightmares, but why bother with details when someone has reached this level of ugliness. I believe he keeps both of his Escalades parked in his enormous nostrils. If he has somehow managed to procreate I fear for our future.

Brian Cardinal -

There is a time in every balding mans life when they must make a choice; Embrace the baldness, or fight it. Brian is the perfect example of what is wrong with fighting it. He looks like the slightly retarded guy who washes cars at car dealerships, not a professional athlete. I love this picture with the woman in the background pointing a finger and laughing at him. Its as if she is saying, "Look, they gave Chester the grocery bagger at King Soopers a uniform and he ran on the court!! Look do you see him honey?! He's trying so hard."

Brevin Knight -

Ahhhh Darkness! Look everybody... darkness is here!! Darkness is spreading!

2nd Team:

Andre Miller-

Andre doesn't have to be as ugly as he is. Much of his ugliness is due to the fact that he is the laziest human being to ever set foot on this planet. He is constantly forgetting to do the little things like get a haircut, or even brush his hair. This guy has the worst case I have ever seen of "perpetual bed head". No matter if it is during a game or out at the club, he always looks like he just woke up.

Spree-

Rule #1- a man can never have pigtails...ever.

Rule #2- pigtails should never be dread locked... ever.

Spree grossly violates both these rules. There was a time when a fresh faced young lad from Alabama named Latrell entered the NBA with a knack for scoring in droves and disgracing his opponents with ferocious dunks. 13 years later he has choked his coach, declared that $9 million per year is not enough to feed his children and reached his full ugliness potential by growing facial hair and dread locked pigtails until he closely resembled the Predator. Looking at him makes me feel like I want to punch my dog.

Vlade-

Combine one part unbelievable hairiness, 2 parts horrifically generic tattoos, sprinkle in an eastern European accent, constant whining and begging and you get Vlade Divac. I think Vlade is like Homer Simpson in that he regrows full facial hair immediately after shaving. He's like a human German Shepperd. They have to follow him around the court with a broom to sweep up all the hair he is shedding so the other players don't slip and injure themselves.

Dikembe-

Sure Dikembe looks ugly, but to truly grasp his ugliness you have to hear him speak. He sounds like a walrus gargling through a tuba. Plus he speaks about 8 languages and will often mix them into one horrid Dikembe code. But he does sex many people.

Hedo Turkoglu-

Hedo is a foreigner so his condition could possibly be remedied. His ugliness hails from the nation of Turkey. As we know some Euro's will often forget simple hygiene routines such as shaving and showering, so there is room for improvement. He did go through the near tragic hair frosting experiment of 2002-2003, but at least he is trying... we pray that he stops.

HONORABLE MENTION

Shawn Bradley-

7 foot 6 inches tall, more pale than Michael Jackson, unremitting dunk bate.... Shawn Bradley.

Ben Handlogten-

I have no idea who this man is.... I believe he plays for the Utah Jazz. I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

Jared Jeffries-

Those dark sunken eyes, those gargantuan swollen lips; Jared made the list for one reason; his face looks like he is constantly losing a fight.

Others recieving votes:

Drew Gooden
Anderson Varejao
Greg Ostertag
Danny Fortson
Rick Brunson
Nick Collison
Donyell Marshall

All other All-Ugly recommendationed are welcomed on the message board.

Coming up.... The All-Time NBA all ugly team