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My Brother's Mohawk
5/16/05
by DJ

At the whim of an aging Hall of Famer and grizzled warrior, the one man who strikes fear in the hearts of all Knick fans and in the same utterance gives hope to malnutritioned basketball aficionados worldwide, the Pacers rookie class of 2005 were commanded to shave their heads. Reggie Miller told them to and my brother, like any Nashvillian when duly "Double Dog Dared" took it a step forward, and thus the tallest mohawks alive were born. Fellow 7 ft. rookie John Edwards also took the plunge, but he was goofy before, so it flew under the radar.

But as I am not related to him only one of them concerns me, the younger statesman, David Harrison. They both look like idiots. To be fair, a mohawk is something I have always wanted to try, I just didn't want to get into fights every time I went out for a drink. Sporting a full Jesus beard or getting a mohawk at least once in your life is pretty much industry standard in the man world, but it takes several things to pull off the latter relatively safely, and without abusive ridicules and pummelings (although a certain degree is expected depending on your class...it's A MOHAWK for Christ's sake):

Class 1-Be bigger than everyone else, aka the Pro Athlete Mohawk

Class 2- Be richer than anybody else, aka the P-Diddy Mohawk

Class 3- Live in a trailer park, aka the Wasted Life Mohawk aka the Weather Vane Mohawk

If you do not fall under any category in this Mohawk Caste System, opt for the safer Jesus beard. Any one can grow one and pull it off, as long as it is not accompanied by any pastel or pink shirt (ahem Clay) because they cancel each other out. And if you wear sandals and sit at a bus stop you might make some spare change. Growing both would be overload and there can be too much of a bad thing. There must be balance in the world.