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Email from a Huge Fan of the Site
5/27/05
by Clay/Lara

Email received by DeadlyHippos:

From: "Lara"
To: deadlyhippos@gmail.com
Subject: clay's wedding chronicles
Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 13:10:16 -0400

Hello. If you don't know who I am by my email address, you will by the end of this message. My first comment is that I am suprised at how much hostility and bitterness Clay has towards the entire "wedding planning" event. Especially considering he has never been involved in the planning of a wedding, even his own, save for a few short trips to President Tuxedo or a similar tacky rental outfitter. As a female, I'd like to say that wedding planning is not fun, and is not what I grew up dreaming of doing. So why the bitterness Clay? In fact, your hostility seems to run far beyond the planning of a wedding, and well into the entire foundation of marriage itself. Do I need to remind you that YOU ARE MARRIED? That you proposed to a certain woman down on one knee, in the typical "begging" fashion of "will you PLEASE marry me?"

My second comment is about this mythical tithing that happens at a bachelor party and is supposed to arrive in the form of some fantastic gift for the bride. My question is this: Where is it? I don't recall receiving that gift. Although, most of the people at Clay's bachelor party actually went to the wedding, so perhaps there is an addendum needed to clarify the rules of the myth.

So that is my response. Or at least the start of it. Further discussion is sure to await Clay tonight at home.

By the way, DJ's Mohawk column was pretty funny.

Lara

There is nothing better than returning from lunch to discover your wife has mocked you by emailing all of your friends and there are approximately forty-three emails calling into question everything I hold dear, namely my masculinity, waiting for me. For a moment I believed my status as a deadlyhippos writer might be over to be replaced by my wife. Thankfully, I managed to avoid this coup de grace.

My ability to retain my status as writer for deadlyhippos was ultimately predicated upon the fact that by the very nature of her email, Lara demonstrated that she, at best, checks the site once or twice a month.

As to the lack of gifts received on behalf of the bachelor party attendees, the tithing idea had not yet been developed. Also KWo and the 27 already bought the jumbo cutting board, what more could she want?

Extremely chastened, I offer this meagre defense. I do not recall using the word please when I asked Lara to marry me. This does not mean I did not, just that to be the best of my recollection, I did not. That is all. As I write I am already planning on hewing my own hemp-rope and jumping off my balcony. Presumably Lara will get lots more gifts then with the benefits of my life insurance policy.

--Clay