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Weddings: A Chronicle (Part II)
5/17/05
by Clay

Some men are unfortunate because their buddies are marrying girls with no attractive friends. If this is the case (and sometimes it is) the best man has an absolute obligation to throw a kick-ass bachelor party which allows some guests to opt out of attending the wedding. The best man also has an obligation to cover for these friends who are not attending the wedding with the bride. He does so by the following: before the bachelor party debauchery begins he "taxes" each non-wedding attending member of the bachelor party of a respectable sum of money ($50-100 generally). Basically this is the equivalent of tithing for the church, you collect a portion of money that would otherwise go for strippers, booze, and other treats that cause you to go to hell and put this money in the hotel room safe. Swallow the key if you are confident it will pass in your stool, otherwise give it to the front desk. This money is to be used to buy a great gift for the bride.

Write a gift message that is something along the lines of this: "We never believed (insert groom's name here) could be improved upon until we saw him with you. I never thought I would ever see (insert groom's name here) happier than when (insert groom's sports team victory here). But today I know he is. Congratulations and best of luck."

Most girls make guys much less fun (all wives and girlfriends of the deadlyhippos ediorial staff are hereby excluded from this category), and they are aware of this. But most brides are willing to forgive a debaucherous bachelor party filled with men who do not attend the actual wedding if you give them a nice gift. But here's another key, the best man must, absolutely must, buy a gift for the bride with this tithing money. Nothing is worse than a bunch of guys dodging the wedding because the bride's friends are all ugly and then giving as a wedding gift a beer helmet and kegerator. So as a general rule for the best man, buy something off the gift registry (they're all online now so you can do it from work) that you never knew existed prior to seeing it on the wedding registry. For instance the 27 and KWo gave me a cutting board. While both attended the wedding, the gift of a cutting board made Lara very happy. Prior to their gift, I did not know that cutting boards either existed or were gifts. This made it a very good gift. Which leades to my general rule on wedding gifts for men: If you don't know how to use it, what it does, and it costs more than $100, it's the perfect gift. Congratulations, you'll be receiving Christmas cards of your former drinking buddy in uncomfortable holiday sweaters for the rest of your life.