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Weddings: a Chronicle (Part I)
5/10/05
by Clay

DJ is getting married this July. In the interests of bringing to light the world of marriage as it pertains to men I have decided to chronicle men and weddings in a series of columns. This is the first. When men get engaged the first response from their friends is never congratulations unless the bride or her father owns a professional sports team, it is always a slow nod of the head which is then followed by an awkward pause. For those of us who are married, we think back to the days when we weren't married and for those of us who are single we think one of two things, often both: 1. I am never going to meet another attractive girl again and 2. I'm going to have one less person to drink with.

The single man's first thought quickly evaporates. Otherwise they would be single women. Replaced by thoughts of never meeting another young, attractive girl again is the realization that the wedding likely offers an abundant supply of young, attractive women who will be drinking. Single women drinking at weddings follow two paths, first they are buoyantly excited and ripe for the plucking, second they are crying because they are single. The key is to strike in the midst of the first and be gone by the time the second phase arrives.

Finally the awkward silence ends. Rather than say what they are really thinking, "Are you sure about this?" (Although many friends will actually state this, most won't because they are afraid of what you might say, "Yes, I really love (insert bride's name here)). They say this, "Where's the bachelor party going to be?" Because for men, weddings are all about postpoing the arriving date while for women weddings are all about preparing for the arriving date. While women don't know it, the sheer logistics involved in planning a bachelor party often rival the details involved in planning a wedding. Plus, no matter how crazy the wedding is, there is always at least one guy (at great bachelor parties two or three handfuls) who has a better-than-even chance of being arrested or dying. Best men have to plan for this possibility. Conversely, no matter how crazy the wedding planning is, no bride has to think, "If I do this will Maria actually die, go to jail, have sex with a cow, or commit a felony and be forced to flee in a sub 5.0 forty." Any self-respecting best man must. So the planning is intense and will be chronicled shortly. Incidentally, for the women who are reading this column, you probably feel this is an exaggeration. Undoubtedly when you laughed as you read this column, the man in your life was laughing in that way that men laugh when their boss tells an unfunny joke. Right now he is probably trying to stroke your shoulder and give you a kiss.

"That Clay," he is saying, "is one funny guy." Cue more strained laughter.
He is lying. I am not funny and he knows it.