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DJ's Bachelor Party, and Introducing JT
5/18/05
by JT

Editor's note: Welcome to our newest columnist, JT. His Bio is available here.

Good morning to all the Deadly Hippo readers. Some of you may know me, some of you I am meeting for the first time. I am JT. Former reader and occasional contributer. I'd like to say that hard work and dedication got me my spot on the Hippo roster but I'd be lying. I got my Hippo position much the same way GW got his position as President... through connections. Its all about who you know. I've known Deadly Hippo DJ Harrison since our basketball playing days at the University of Colorado right up to this weekend when I hosted his bachelor party. I have been asked to give an account of the events of this bachelor party for the website.

The following events may or may not have occurred.

Names may or may not have been changed to protect those involved.

Friday night

The suspect DJ spent the evening in our former stomping grounds of Boulder, Colorado with out of town friends who had flown in for the event; Ian aka "Johnny Sewanee", Trennis "Slapahoe" Jones, and Doug "Ever Nervous" Morgan. For those of you who have not spent any time in Boulder it is home to an odd mixture of rich yuppies, drunk college kids, rich hippies (aka Trustafarians) and the rare but occasional minority (also known as the CU athletic department). So as you can imagine the group spent the night purveying the stickiest of the icky, playing the bongos and listening to live Phish bootlegs. During said time no less than 5 of Boulder's most resplendent bars were frequented with unrelenting vigor, namely the world famous bar La Iguana, where an enormous tab was vanquished by the groom as penance for only having two hot girls present. DJ and his lovely bride-to-be then treated them to the finest women boulder had to offer (bride-to-be by the way is from the OC). I heard that Ian made beautiful tantric love to a rather portly unshaven hippie woman named "Moonbeam" who looked like she had a wookie under each armpit. Sexual assault accusations to follow.

On the other hand, I spent Friday evening in the Bahamas getting freaked on the dance floor by lovely Jamaican and Dominican women. That song "Gasolina" was played somewhere in the ballpark of 19 times during the night and they acted like each time was the first time they had ever heard the song.

PS. Anna and Latevia if you are reading this (because deadlyhippo readership is huge in the Bahamas)... JT loves you('re apple bottoms) and misses you (them) already.

Saturday

The next morning, a groggy brunch ensues at Dot's Diner, the fantastic mixture of Southern breakfast traditions and of course more body hair and BO. Quote of the morning goes to Douglas Morgan: "I'll have the two eggs and grits, hold the dreads, and wash your hands." Meanwhile, after a lovely 14 hour trip back from paradise off of 2 hours sleep (I'd like to give a big shout out to both the Miami and Dallas/ Ft Worth airport food courts for an unfortunate case of the bubbleguts) I was back in Denver frantically trying to make sure the arrangements I made before leaving hadn't fallen through. I call DJ from the plane and he is playing basketball with Doug, Ian and Levi "sweating out the poison" from the night before. I'm anxious to hear more details but DJ's better half calls on the other line. He has to go (sound of whip cracking in background). We are meeting at the hotel downtown at 7 pm and the party bus is picking us up at 10pm.

During the 3 hours of time to kill there was quite a bit of alcohol consumed and some interesting conversation. Here is a summary of some of what is discussed:

• DJ uses the terms "quiet as kept" and "truth be told" no less than a dozen times.
• Who is responsible for the retarded kid who got himself out of his roller coaster harness and jumped to his death? Why didn't his helmet protect him?
• When the cartoon aliens stole Shawn Bradley's talent in the movie Space Jam why didn't they give it back to him? Did the producers just think it would be funny? Do you need talent in the first place in order for it to be stolen?
• Various lines from Will Farrell movies.
• Who has the worst facial hair in the NBA playoffs, Nick Collison or Brent Barry, but Danny Fortson definitely gets the worst hairdo.
• DJ is called "Pennis" by Ian. I'm not sure where it comes from but I can't stop laughing.
• Did Dave Chappelle really check into a mental health clinic in Africa? Or is this just another vicious lie from The Man in order to bring a black man down?
• While picking up a member of our entourage in the lobby I get off on the wrong floor. I knock on the wrong door and I hear the voice of a very old man mutter, "I'm afraid we're not quite decent." I'm horrified by the implications of that statement. He never sees us though, as by the time he gets to the door we have already sprinted back into the elevator.
• Myself, Trennis and Jamahl go to the liquor store to stock up on more booze. A homeless man is caught trying to steal a beer by the woman behind the counter. He goes out in a blaze of glory by yelling out to her "I'm calling the police on you! You big fat headed, toothless, ham sandwich eating dummy!!" I swear those were his exact words. The insults sting as bad now typing them as they did hearing them at the time. To her defense she had at least 4 teeth that I could see.

10 pm is here and we load up in the party bus to take us to a lovely gentleman's club called La Boheme. Now I know what happened to Max Headroom after his success in the mid 80's... he is driving our bus. Congrats Max! 2 minutes into our trip I'm told we need to stop for more beer again. How can you consume 50+ beers in 10 minutes? We also need to stop for cash. We get to the club at 11pm. Keep in mind that the club is 3 blocks away from the hotel we are staying at. Three blocks... one hour... Time efficiency at its finest my friends.

Despite a small snafu with a large South African bouncer at the door who tries to get us to pay a cover, La Boheme is a good time. We have our own section in the back and we look like a small mafia sitting there.... a small band of huge basketball players and little white guys mafia.

• Levi is the first to buy a round of shots. This could get ugly.
• G-Jens then exclaims "Where are the high school chicks at!?" Two dancers raise their hands in reply.
• A demure Asian lass begins mingling with the group. More on her later.
• Saadi is walking around asking everyone who will listen if they want to party.
• DJ gets a special bachelor party dance involving the stage and my belt. My belt finds its way to the nearest trash can soon after.
• Another round of shots and we call Max Headroom to fire up the bus so we can go to our next stop.

Next stop is a club by Union Station. I'm not going to say that it sucked but I will say that we were there for approximately 4 minutes. Jamahl still manages to pick up three women. Back in the bus Byrd, Darren and Dan are just sitting there listening to Tupac and taking shots of rum. They must have known something about the club that we didn't.

We get back in the bus to the next club. Upon arrival I have reached the drunken state where I feel like buying a round of shots and drinks for 15+ people is a good idea. My wallet begs to differ. Last call comes and it is time to head back to the hotel for the post party festivities. Jamahl somehow manages to pick up 2 other women on the way out the door.

In a huge upset, back at the hotel we all drink a lot more. We have all lost the ability to control the VOLUMES OF OUR VOICES and the other hotel guests and staff are less than happy with this. We are warned for the first time. Now is when things get a bit..... weird. There is an incident between a certain member of our group who we will call *Mick and the afforementioned demure asian. Readers are on a need to know basis as to what follows, if you already know then you are one of the few who need to know. If you don't I'm sorry because it was a shocking sight to behold. Right about this time we are tipped off that the police are on their way and we disperse to each of our four rooms. I am able to convince the police that the party has been over and we are all about to go to sleep. They remind me of the unpleasantries of sleeping on the pavement should we be forced to be removed from our rooms. I assure them nothing of the sort will be necessary at which point Saadi comes stumbling out of the elevator yelling at me from across the hall as to why the cops are here. One problem; he is not down the hall he is only about 2 yards away from us. I tell him his volume level is at a 10 right now and we need it at a 2. The police are not impressed with his antics but we manage to get him to shut up long enough to let the police leave. He then passes out on a pile of shoes.

A few of us decide to head to breakfast at about 4:30am and the obvious drunken phone calls begin. I swear they need to invent a cell phone with a Breathalyzer attachment. If you are beyond a certain level your phone will simple explode thus preventing you from making 10+ calls that you really don't want to make. The Denver Diner's kitchen staff was really on its game as I have never had hash browns quite so crispy before. There is an awkward silence due to the final events of the evening before we finally start up conversation again. "Can you wear a headband with a FroHawk?" Someone says. We all laugh and things start to feel a bit more normal. Truth be told it was a hell of a bachelor party quiet as kept.

The next morning I get a speeding ticket taking Trennis back to the airport. "I got you going 95 mph" The cop tells me. "I didn't know a Subaru could go 95," I reply. The Japanese do make a fine automobile. But let's not forget Pearl Harbor.

Thanks to Macio and JP at Denver Bachelor Party for hooking us up.