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10 Life lessons learned from a dance contest
5/23/05
by JT

A couple weeks ago I participated in the time honored island vacation tradition of the drunken dance contest. While I will in no way insinuate that I have reached the dancing plateau of either Turbo or Ozone, I did in fact come away the victor and will hereto for be known as "The King Of Turks and Caicos 2005"! After a 3 day study in Roman gluttony after my victory, in which I wore my "dance contest winner" T-shirt continuously, I was able to sit back and reflect on my enormous accomplishment. I found I learned some invaluable lessons that day, and I'd like to share them with you all now.

1. A dance contest is a lot like an NBA dunk contest. You don't want to use your best stuff in the early rounds only to be left with nothing later. In dance terms, you don't want to start off with your moves from the newest Usher video, only to be left with an odd shimmy for the later rounds that would make Mike Madsen vomit. You also want to be as close to the last contestant as possible so both you and the judges know what sort of talent pool is shaking their respective asses. Appropriate dance moves can then be applied.

2. The best dancer doesn't always come out victorious. On occasion it is simply the person who is willing to make the biggest fool out of themselves publicly. Case and Point- during the hit 1980's movie Can't Buy Me Love, Ronald "Ronnie" Miller mistakenly thinks the African Anteater Ritual is the hottest new dance from American Bandstand; and hence, performs it at Senior Prom. Initially, fellow students mock him mercilessly. They then partake in the joyous ritual resulting in an entire school of complete dotards. Only his mentally gifted, yet socially crippled former nerd friends know the truth behind the dance. Side note; Rico Suave was in that movie... It has nothing to do with the rules I just try to give him a shout out whenever possible.

3. The Worm = instant show stopper. This can be applied to any life situation.

4. There is an alcohol intake level necessary for most men to dance at all:
- Dancing with wife or girlfriend --------------- 2 drinks
- Dancing with unknown hot girl --------------- 4-5 drinks
- Dancing with unknown unhot girl --------------- 11 drinks
- Dancing on stage in dance contest --------------- Epic 21st birthday amount of drinks

5. Being labeled the "King of Turks and Caicos" does not, I repeat does not, give you the right to bed any peasant girl that takes your fancy. It also does not give you the right to summarily behead any person who speaks ill towards the King. In fact, the term King is only an honorary title given to a dance contest champion and gives you none of the powers usually associated with such a label. Any violation of these rules results in inhumane beatings by local authorities and will leave you recovering from a state of unconsciousness in a foreign prison... most likely with a sore anus.

6. When all else fails take your shirt off.

7. Having a bunch of 8-12 year old girls and boys scream while you dance is not as exciting as the Backstreet Boys made it seem to be. Shame on you Backstreet Boys for misleading us all.... shame on you.

8. Just because the spotlight blinds you and you can't see anyone does not mean you are alone. So limit the crotch grabbing accordingly.

9. My brother can't dance. His moves and gyrations bring to mind a turtle that has been flipped on its shell. Apparently rhythm skips the first born in our family. However, his Bob Marley impersonation is un-paralleled. I'm sure it was a huge hit with the Jamaicans working on the island. They all congratulated him really hard with fists to the face and mid-section. Must be some sort of Jamaican ritual.

10. Michael Jackson impersonations don't get the applause they used to. Especially in front of the parents of the aforementioned 8-12 year old boys and girls. Frighteningly however, the children do love it. There are powers in those moves we have not yet even begun to comprehend. Single people with no kids think these moves are incredibly humorous and will applaud with vigor. You have a choice to make here. I chose to go with MJ.... now we are both Kings*.