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The OC was a Repeat...
3/07/05
by Tardio

The OC was a repeat tonight, so thought that I would answer questions from curious deadlyhippos.com emailers. Then, I realized that we have no readers, and consequently no emails from readers. So, I am just going to take my column space this week to bitch a bit. Ok, not a bit, a lot. Here goes:

1. I was watching the Oscars the other night, and I had only one thought – how far have the Counting Crows fallen? Did you see them do the song from Shrek? It was absolutely painful. Ten years ago Adam Duritz was waltzing around with a hit record, dating actresses (Courtney Cox, anyone?), had a #1 single (“Mr. Jones”) that was so catchy the Pope was humming it during Midnight Mass, and hitting all the cool Hollywood parties. He was the king of corny pop music that was just edgy enough for pseudo-alternative 15-year-olds with chains on their wallets to own the CD and not lose face. He used to sing that damn “Mr. Jones” song while he jumped around like a coked-up chimp. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Now, Duritz is singing a sappy pop love song on the Oscars, a song that was featured in a cartoon of all things. Pretty soon the Crows will be playing “Rain King” for drooling invalids at $200 / gig. Also, did you see how bloated Duritz looked? His face looked like a water balloon. Plus, instead of looking like a cool rocker, he’s now a spitting image for a Cabbage Patch Doll.

2. Speaking of cool musicians who’ve fallen, have you seen the new Burger King commercials featuring Darius Rucker? I guess Hootie needs some lootie.

3. I hate getting old. It sucks. A buddy at work today proposed setting me up with a girl he knows. First question I had (obviously) – Is she hot? Answer – yes. One for one. Second question – how old is she? She’s 29. When he said 29, I had a look on my face like I’d just been mule-kicked in the balls – a look of pain, nausea, disbelief, and anger all at once. 29? Are you kidding? I felt insulted. Then, that same mule-kick look came back across my face when I realized that I’m 25. Twenty-five is not a good age. 19 is a good age. 20 is a good age. 21, again, good age. 25? Blows. But, she is hot, so I’ll give her a chance. Maybe she’s got a younger sister.

4. Instead of coming up with another unfunny paragraph about something that’s equally not funny, now I’m just going to list five things/people I hate. This should be fun:

1. Shirts – Girls need to take these off more often.

2. David Arquette – Courtney Cox should have a six day psychological exam for marrying this dude. Arquette is about as funny as gangrene, with about as much acting talent as a wet ball of pubic hair. So, naturally, he becomes rich and famous, and picks up a richer and more famous wife. Life’s so fair.

3. Pants – See number 1.

4. Anyone smarter than I am – if they’re out there, I’m sure I’d hate them.

5. Females – if they’re my age, and they don’t have a serious boyfriend or aren’t married, they’re either fat or have emotional problems that would make Courtney Love’s look tame.

I promise, when the OC comes back next week, I’ll be funnier. Maybe.