The OC


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The OC
3/01/05
by Tardio

Since this is my first OC column (hopefully not the last), I thought I would start by recapping the first half of this season: It sucked. Granted, it had a lot to live up to…last season was one of the finest exhibitions of dramatic acting since before the Walshes moved to Hong Kong. Why has it been so poor this year? Easy…bad trades (think 2002 Mets). Let’s go Peter Gammons on these trades:

Trade 1: Luke for Zack.

Luke, devastated after losing out on 48-year-old Julie Cooper, uttered the immortal words, “Knocking back some brews, listening to some Seger.”

Zack, after losing Summer to a gangly guy who sailed to Portland in a lifeboat, uttered the words, “Can’t fight fate.” The only people hearing lines like that are the 200 pound divorcees watching Saturday night Lifetime movies.

Luke, in the first four episodes of OC, punched 23 people, let out no less than 7 classic lines, drank 300 beers (even though he wasn’t old enough to vote), peeled out in his monster truck 11 times, and had sex with his girlfriend’s mom.

Zack has punched no one [editor's note: Zack did punch Seth once but later apologized], talked about some stupid comic book for 3 straight episodes, actually wavered on whether to have sex with Summer, and seemed to age about 4 years. Did you notice how old Zack looked in this episode? He reminded me of Luke’s dad’s gay lover from last season (could it be the same actor?)

Trade 2: Jimmy for Rebecca.

This is an absolute mismatch. Jimmy Cooper, in another life, was engaged to marry Jennifer Aniston. Rebecca (Kim Delaney) looks like a grown up version of Wendy (as in the Dave Thomas “Wendy”). Enough said.

Trade 3: the slutty girl who hooked up with Luke in Tijuana for Lindsay

This girl was one of the most underrated characters of season 1. It’s no coincidence that she was a big part of two of the best OC episodes ever – the Beach Fight Episode and TJ. Lost in the great line “Welcome to the OC, bitch!” from Luke is what precipitated the beach brawl. Before that, the slutty sophomore blonde and Luke took a trip down to the beach (which, by the way, Zack would never do). In the TJ episode, Luke and the slutty girl made out (again), which caused Marissa to spiral into a painkiller-vodka-induced stupor and pass out by a dumpster. Phenomenal television. [editor's note: the slutty girl was named Holly]

This year, we get Lindsay, one of the worst characters on television. She plays the oboe for God’s sake. She drives a car that looks like something that you take a swing at for charity. And, when you get right down to it, she’s not all that hot. She looks like a skinny version of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Trade 4: Sandy and Kirsten all happy and chirpy for Sandy and Kirsten at each other’s throats

Last year you had Sandy and Kirsten, all American couple, the glue that held the show together. They were like Jason and Carol Seaver…not even that mischievous Kirk Cameron could come between the Seavers. Same with season 1 Cohens. You had Ryan punching people, Jimmy trying to stick his tongue down Kirsten’s throat, Haley taking a week off from North Shore to come in and have a rage in the Cohens’ backyard. Still, Sandy and Kirsten persevered.

This year, Kirsten could go Lorenna Bobbitt on Sandy at any moment. Kirsten continues to stew over Sandy’s relationship with Rebecca, his old flame. Little does she know that she has nothing to worry about. Sandy is carrying on the worst-planned affair ever – he hangs out with Rebecca, handles her legal case for free, has to take shit from Kirsten about it, and isn’t even having sex with her. Sandy’s affair has turned out about as well as Kobe’s last ski vacation.

Now, just when you thought the OC was about to go in the tank, they come up huge with a classic episode like tonight. Let’s just take a quick look at what happened tonight:

1. In about 5 minutes, we got rid of the two weakest links in the show (“The Weakest Link” – how long did that last in the US before we made that annoying British bitch leave? Three episodes?). Zack flew off to Italy (where I hope he stays), and Lindsay went to Chicago to be with her “real” family. Yeah…good move. You find out a man worth $500 million is your real father so you move. Good riddance.

2. Marissa and Alex made out the entire episode. It’s obvious Marissa can’t act. She’s terrible. Any scene she graces ends up looking like a 4th grade production of Annie. She couldn’t act her way into a made-for-the-USA Network movie, much less a show with some decent actors. So the geniuses at FOX make her a lesbian and just have her appear every few scenes making out with her new “girlfriend,” which is much better than suffering through more of her bad scenes.

3. Ryan is a bachelor again. Once Ryan got a girlfriend, he just got soft. Before Marissa, Ryan was going around throwing left hooks at anyone who looked at him wrong. He was like that group of eight drunk guys from New Jersey on Spring Break. When they get to the party, someone is going to get punched. Same with Ryan – once he got to the party, s*** was going down. Then, all of the sudden, he lost the wristband, started liking Algebra, and it was like all the Chino drained out of him. Well, he’s back, and I want to see someone get punched.

One complaint about tonight’s episode – why did Sandy have to take the bus to get back to see Kirsten at the end? Where in God’s name did he go that he had to take a Greyhound back? Phoenix? And, did he just leave the 7-Series on the side of the road?

Regardless, the OC is back. It’s about time. I don’t know how much more of Lindsay, Rebecca, and Zack I could take. I need Ryan in wristbands slugging people. Now, if only we can get Luke, Jimmy, and the slutty girl from TJ to make guest appearances, I’d be in heaven.