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Spring Break: SHARK ATTACK!
3/22/05
by Clay

From the moment these advertisements started running, I've been building my Sunday around being able to watch this "film." Lara and Shaw have been really nonplused about this plan, but as the advertisements continued to grow, they began to experience some of my glee. Initially, I had the following questions:

1. Who is this "film" being marketed to? (And yes even after years of counsel otherwise, I still occasionally end sentences with prepositions. Apologies to my 7th grade English teacher Mrs. Trehern)
2. Who greenlighted this at CBS? Are they still employed?
3. Was there competition between the networks for the rights to show this movie?
4. Does this movie actually have a writer, and if so, who is he? (Or she, apologies for being sexist)
5. Has there ever been a better way to spend two hours?
6. Do the actors in this movie actually take their roles seriously?
7. Did anyone watch this movie in a completely serious mindset; if so should they ever be allowed to reproduce or vote.

"Floor it."

After squealing up outside, I rushed to the television only to discover that Cold Case was on. Shaw and I then spent the next twenty minutes flipping back and forth between Shawshank Redemption and Cold Case so we wouldn't miss the opening of the movie. At no time did we ever have to listen to dialogue in Cold Case to determine what portion of the show was on, we heard the shocking music for when an unexpected event occurs followed by the dirgelike/ominous revelation music for when the show's mystery was being explicated and finally the calming/uplifting music for when the cold case becomes a closed case. I'm tone deaf and even I could tell the entire plot of Cold Case without hearing anything but the background music. After each background music sound we returned to Shawshank Redemption. So on at least one occasion we actually were watching both Shawshank Redemption and Spring Break Shark Attack. Which may never have occurred before. What definitely did not occur before or since is for someone to be watching Shawshank and switch over to SBSA.

For those of you not fortunate enough to have seen this movie, I filled up the entire front page with notes, the following is my analysis along with Shaw's of the show. Rather than deconstructing every character in the movie we have focused on the four main characters as we saw them,

Flannel-the good guy
Virgin- the virginal girl
Sergio- the bad guy
Shark Researcher- the shark researcher

1. The opening of this movie consists of four women with breast implants and 1980's bathing suits floating on a raft with no one else around them. One lady is treading water and the other three women are sitting on the raft. (Shaw and I initially thought these were actual old Spring Breakers, but in a clever plot development, we later learned via the front page of a newspaper that these women were actually housewives. For anyone who watched the movie and missed this integral plot element, consider yourself informed and an idiot). My primary concern at this point was in the fact that the four women were even in the ocean. When was the last time you saw a middle-aged woman with fake breats actually get in the water, much less with her three friends and in the middle of the ocean where no one else is around? For a moment I thought they might be very well-endowed Cuban emigres. From out of nowhere a huge shark attacks and devours all four women. The requisite collapse in Williams/Sonoma Florida earnings was not examined.

2. The virginal female lead calls her dad on an affair leading to an awkward family dinner. This allows her the moral legitimacy to skip her Habitat for Humanity trip and drive to Florida to go to Spring Break.

3. Immediately upon her arrival in Florida the virginal spring breaker falls in love with the poor boat captain who constantly wears cut-off flannel shirts and who cannot afford college. (As I continue to note, in every movie ever made, college loans do not exist and are never an option.) After an awkward meeting the pair eventually heads to a "wild" party where flannel and virgin slow-dance. If anyone ever remembers a slow dance song playing at Spring Break please notify me, I recall none. At this point, Shaw inquires,
"How did they fall in love so fast?"
And I responded, "Shaw, sometimes you just know."
Lara rolled her eyes.

4. Sergio is introduced. His real name is not Sergio but he has long hair and a ripped body and he makes more "first time" double entendre quips (although I hesistate to call any of his lines a quip) as a percentage of his lines than anyone I've ever seen before. Immediately it becomes apparent that Sergio and Flannel do not see eye-to-eye. They do, however, see the same Virgin but Flannel storms out of the party and goes next door to the bookstore.

5. In the bookstore next door to the party, the bass is thumping so loud the books are shaking. This has to be the worst location in movie history for a book store. Flannel demonstrates how thoughtful he is by thumbing through a book without even looking at the words. Virgin arrives and says after being asked what she wants to be when she grows up, "My dad has a law firm he wants me to work for, but right now I like my anthropology class." What this means we have no idea but the books continue to thump in the bass from next door.

6. Advertising break: Imitrex, Kraft, Herbal Essences, Pledge, Verizon, Levitra and Flonase all adverstise. In a related note, monster.com suddenly overrun with "advertising executive" resumes. In an effort to take a stab at who might be watching this movie, it appears to be geared towards people with headaches and allergies who like to clean, eat cheese and have fake orgasms. With the exception of the cheese, I think this has housewife stamped all over it. (Presumably these were not the same housewives who were eaten in the opening scene).

7. After watching the first commercial break it occurred to me that everyone who competes with the people who advertise on this movie should run anti-advertising. I mean what college kid wouldn't choose Cingular over Verizon if Cingular ran a commercial that just said, "Verizon customers spend their weekends watching Spring Break Shark Attack; Cingular's go to Spring Break." Pure genius.

8. Shark Researcher is introduced. He happens to be the brother of the Virgin and has a huge nose and abundant neck hair without the corresponding facial hair. He is worried about sharks and warns the Virgin about the sharks. There is then a scene of a fake shark attack caused by Sergio.

9. Sergio slips a roofie to the Virgin after purchasing sodas from the Flannel guy whose second job is waiting tables at a fast food restaurant.

10. In a move of cinematic precision, the human shark Sergio is contrasted in footage with the actual shark that yanks a girl off a pier and devours her. The Godfather's Francis Ford Coppola quakes in his shoes.

11. While roofied, Virgin calls her father. Plot device allows father to arrive in Spring Break area as well seeking to bring Virgin home.

12. Cingular advertises blowing the chance to defeat Verizon once and for all in the college-demographic.

13. Sergio rents a boat captained by Flannel and the spring breakers head out for a good time after a confrontation between Virgin and father. Sergio seeks to ease Virgin's angst by stating: "He's way out there and you're way out there." Viewers everywhere wonder exactly where "here" might be.

14. Everyone jumps in water and Flannel utters the foreshadowing line, "Oh no, there's blood in the water." Sharks appear and bedlam ensues. Virgin is alone in the water. Sharks appear unmollified by the fact that she retains her hymen and rapidly surround her. Flannel insists that she be absolutely still. Sergio gives contradictory advice of swim fast, and then utters the memorable phrase, "This is friekin' nuts" while stomping around the boat. Remarkably all anyone has ever had to do is stop moving to survive a shark attack. The old captain from Jaws spins in his watery grave. Virgin is saved after the sharks leave. Leaving evidently means when the fins are no longer visible; idea that sharks might be merely wholly underwater not considered.

15. Angry sharks begin ramming boat and sinking becomes a true threat. Everyone is convinced they are going to be eaten evidently having forgotten that all they need to do is just be still.

16. Shark researcher is shown pulling out sea turtles without heads. Utters a few words into a recording device because evidently he will forget them later, "Inescable conclusion: sharks." Shark researcher then approaches his sage Indian adviser (27 beams at positive role of Indian in cinema); Indian adviser suggests caution in stating that sharks are actually in the ocean states: "Don't be the boy who cried shark."
Aesop of Aesop's fables traces the downfall of his parable to this exact moment.
Shaw and I wonder what exactly the researcher has discovered, there are sharks in the ocean that kill things?

17. Somehow the boat makes it's way to an uninhabited and uncharted island just off the coast of Florida. Unmoved by the near shark death, Sergio immediately has two beers. Virgin finds the roofee tablets and is uncertain who slipped her one.
At this point it was after midnight and I passed off note-taking to Shaw, henceforth these are his notes reconstructed by me.

18. There was a preview for a locust attack movie.

19. Sergio convinces Virgin that Flannel slipped her the roofee prompting a fight ultimately resolved by a logic puzzle,
Sergio: "You gave her the soda!"
Flannel: "I gave it to you to give to her."
Sergio: "But you knew it was for her."
Virgin: "How did you know which one was for me?"
Absolute silence to allow deep pondering.

20. After shark attack scare and return to mainland, Sergio immediately orders another two beer and goes to the beach.

21. Fifty sharks begin to advance on the beach; according to Shaw the only way to keep them from advancing is to put more bloody chum in the water. Remarkably this fails.

22. Shaw's notes are a bit iffy here but evidently Sergio is tackled by a 110 pound girl.

23. The old British guy (who I neglected to mention because he was an ancillary character) sums up this movie as well as his latent film career near the end of the movie by stating,
"This is all wrong-this wasn't supposed to happen."

24. Flannel gets harpooned.

25. The Shark Researcher has created a shark pod designed to scare away sharks. After someone else calls shark, he deploys said pod. Pod does not work and Virgin is forced to jump into the water with the sharks and somehow fix it. Remarkably despite moving she is not harmed; Shaw points out that it was evidently impossible to just pull the shark pod back into the boat and that somehow the Virgin can fix the shark pod from inside the water. Shark pod works flawlessly and sharks leave (or at least their fins do).

26. Virgin develops a sudden zit on her chin that the makeup cannot mask. Perhaps caused by shark stress.

27. Flannel (survives harpooning) and Virgin meet after sharks go away.
Flannel: "I thought I was going to lose you."
Virgin: "You're never going to lose me."
Kissing ensues. Shaw cannot stop crying.