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Rants, Raves, and Ruminations
3/23/05
by DJ

It's 7 am in England. Any other respectable professional athlete (besides golf and tennis) would be still sleeping and/or hungover, trying to get Kim, Terri, Kate, Tamika, Jane (or all the above) out of his hotel room before his wife calls on her way to work, or yelling at his agent. I on the other hand have things on my mind, things that need to be written. So here is the first of several to come Rants, Raves, and Ruminations column....

Rants

  1. First, why does the play-in game between #64 and #65 even exist. Oakland vs. Alabama-whatever. Terrible. And even worse is the fact that they celebrate the fact that they will play the best team in the country wildly. It's like throwing a party when your jail sentence gets reduced from 75 years to 45 and parole. They show them on TV "actin-a-fool", unaware they are sheep about to be thrown to the lions. (see Ruminations for possible solutions...)
  2. I hate it when music artists are in movies to begin with (with a few notable exceptions) and are also featured on the soundtrack. What a hustle. Is it not enough that you ruined the movie, must you compound your sins by wailing away in the backgrounds to show us you can't sing or act? I'm looking at you Beyonce, J Lo, and DMX. The only one to pull this off succesfully is Eminem in 8 Mile.......
  3. Shopping in England. Or should I say shopping for a 6'7" dude (or for that matter any one over 6'4", with any muscle tone whatsoever). I can ignore the astronomically high prices if I can find my size. Shopping for clothes in England is the stateside equivalent of walking into GAP Kids and being forced to build a wardrobe. "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" (Chris Farley, thank you) should be the music playing in the store when I walk in. I was with my buddy and we walked into the "Men's" section and the convo went like this...
    Me: "Man, this is the men's section? Who fits these clothes?"
    Friend: "Seriously, this is it. What kind of men fit into these clothes?"
    Me: "They may be male, but they are not a man. Let's go"
  4. Why do movies come out so late here? The Aviator and Million Dollar Baby just arrived. They didn't even show the Oscars here because no one knows half the movies. Are English people that uncool or are Americans that selfish? I think Americans just refuse to share anything except bad music.

Raves

  1. Scoop Jackson at ESPN on Page 2. He is really good, like Stuart Scott's teleprompter, but better.
    2. `
  2. Forget the old cliche of throwing in some R&B like Marvin Gaye or Barry White to get laid. The new dude is Michael Buble, a Canadian Sinatra type guy. At first I said the same thing. TRUST ME FELLAS...HEAR ME OUT...Play his song "Home" or "Tenderness" over a nice dinner and some good lighting and you will reap the benefits. www.michaelbuble.com
  3. CD's: The inventively titled "The Game" by The Game and "Massacre" by 50 Cent. Very commercial but very good.
    Singles: "Wires" by Athlete. Great band name plus Coldplaylike sound. Very catchy...."Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day.
  4. TV Dramas: 24 starring Keifer Sutherland. Lack of afternoon delight TV (Seinfeld, Simpsons, Martin) have led yours truly to DVD pirating. Series one and two are great save his annoying but strangely hot daughter.

Buble enraptures DJ; remainder of deadly hippos editorial board remains heterosexual

Ruminations

  1. Back to college basketball, the only safe drug available. I think the aforementioned play-in game would be more interesting if it were played like Slamball. Might as well. Or they could have the option of going to the tournament, or giving the #1 seed in their supposed bracket an extra practice and use that money and take a cool team vacation like Hawaii (or another foreign country)....
  2. If you didn't get the joke in the last line please click the "X" in the upper right hand corner of your screen......
  3. The winner of the NIT should be the 64th team in the tournament and they should push back the start of March Madness a week. Very doable. Or the NIT winner should replace the 1)sorriest 2)most annoying (Gonzaga) 3)ugliest team in the Sweet 16 by vote of the seniors on the eliminated teams......
  4. Is there anything, drawing the line at blatant illegality or self-mutilation that a heterosexual guy will not do to have a three way with Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry? Has Colin Farrell already done this?
  5. I think the NBA logo silhouette should change every week, month, or at least year. Like a man throwing a beer, a dude banging a groupie in a hotel room, a dude choking his coach, Shaq hitting a free throw.....
  6. I think Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs has the scariest voice ever. One should talk to their kids in this voice when one wants them to do something. "He eats the broccoli off the plate, or else he gets the hose again....."

That's about it ladies and gents. Time to get back to sleep.....