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Life as a Graduate Student I
by Shaw
3/08/05

I have discovered this over time: Graduate students are the lowest form of humanity.

There is a line in my college diploma, which hangs in my 11 foot by 10 foot apartment room because I don't have anywhere else to display it, which asserts that I have been granted "the degree of Bachelor of Arts, together with all the honors, rights, privileges, and responsibilities thereunto appertaining." Well it has been 4 miserable years of school since then, and so far I have not added anything to my list of honors, rights, and privileges, except for the additional ones that go along with a Master of Arts Degree. These do not combine to make me qualified for any job.

In my current job, working for several mathematicians at school, I have been referred to as "Junior" on many an occasion. While Clay and other lawyer friends of mine have secretaries who generally do work that the lawyers have asked them to do, in the mathematics department, there are about six secretarial staff members, and each of them has the power to make any graduate student do anything. There is even one who cannot write a complete sentence, and responds to any face to face request with, "No you can't do that, I ain't gonna help you with that, you got to ask somebody else."

Perhaps the worst part about this is that no one knows the baseness of a graduate student better than a former graduate student. This is most often manifested in the cliché about graduate students always wanting free food. Sometimes this is nice--we'll get an email halfway through the day from someone saying, "There was a party in the lounge; please come eat leftover pizza." I like leftover pizza. However, people take this a little too far. On more than one occasion I have entered the department mailroom to find a styrofoam plate with a handful of stale doritos on it, and maybe a 2 Liter bottle of soda with a sip left and no cap. And then the professor who left this little treat has the nerve to write a note next it: "For the students. Enjoy!" There is a difference between sharing the leftovers from a big party and sharing the leftovers from your own personal lunch. I was in a seminar yesterday and there was a woman who I will call Chtib there eavesdropping on my conversation with a friend. What I said was, "I just ate lunch but I am still hungry." She looked at me with a knowing, caring smile and said, "You must be a graduate student!" and then snickered aloud, just so pleased with herself for her funny. This comment was about as welcome to me as "Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays!" When my friend asked me why I had attended this particular seminar, Cthib interrupted my answer with, "he was hoping there would be free food!" I don't think I have to tell you how I felt about that.

By the way, there wasn't any.