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I Wish...
3/03/05
by the 27

I wish...

1). . .I went to Bayside High. . .

2). . .I was 6'6'', 230 lbs, sported a mini-Afro, and my nickname was "Tripod". . .

3). . .there was this person who knew my size and tastes and went out and shopped for me every other month and laid out 10 new outfits for my choosing. . .

4). . .I didn't have to pay this person and I wish she was hot. . .

5). . . Jon Gruden had called me up after the 2002 Superbowl and said, "We did it brother, we did it. I love you man". . .

6). . . I played Hansel in Zoolander. . .

7). . . I knew all the answers (questions?) before going on Jeopardy so that I could make enough money to be able to tank Final Jeopardy and write "What is pee-pee?"as my final answer (question?). . .

8). . . I had two brothers: (1) my real brother, and (2) Will Ferrell. . .

9). . . If he didn't want to be my brother, Will Ferrell was a bus driver and screamed "All aboard!!!" every time he was about to leave a bus stop. . .

10). . . Paulie Walnuts had my back. . .

11). . . Nick Anderson had made those free throws. . .

12). . . just for the fun of it, President Bush introduced a revised Axis of Evil, limited to Canada, Switzerland, and American Samoa. . .

13). . . there was a hot Indian girl on the Real World and, to deal with her fatherless childhood, she hooked up a lot. . .

14). . . "I'm not sure if we're right for each other" meant "you're due for a massage, Mister". . .

15). . . the University of Tennessee football program was the nerve center of the biggest drug cartel in American history. . .

16). . . their main supplier was the University of Kentucky basketball program. . . and also the Carolina Panthers. . .

17). . . my eight-high beat your set of kings...

18). . . "Casual Friday" was switched to "Wife-beaters and High Socks Friday". . .

19). . . that short guy with the crazy hair wasn't the North Korean president. . .

20). . . SNL was funny again. . .

21). . . Tyson Chandler would prove me right. . .

22). . . I was that chicken: http://www.peta.org/feat/hiddenlives/index.html. . .

23 - 27). . . after he is caught and as part of any punishment, Bin Laden is forced to take part in the following infidel-acts:
a) watch the entire Girls Gone Wild catalog.
b) refill the trays at a Chinese super-buffet.
c) drive sorority girls to foam parties in a Hummer limo.
d) sell Budweiser at a NASCAR race. . .