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Allergies
3/02/05
by Clay

I am allergic to trees and grass. This was the result of the recent allergy test that I spent the better part of an entire morning receiving at Vanderbilt University during the holidays. This comes as a bit of a shock since it would seem to entail a fairly significant genetic disadvantage seeing as how trees and grass are rather difficult to avoid. I am also allergic to dogs, cats, roaches (the over-under on roaches being one of the fifteen items tested for allergies has to be the highest), and I have a deviated septum that resembles Zorro’s X. For some time I have believed that I am genetically inferior to normal people, and this was confirmed when I found out that I breathe through only one nostril and were I forced to live outside and sleep either beneath trees or above grass I would most probably die.

When I suggested this fact to the allergist she said two things, 1. I would not die and 2. Breathing through one nostril demonstrates a high degree of adaptability. By adaptability I suppose this means that if someone were attempting to drown me (animal or human) I could continue to struggle with my full strength provided one nostril remained above the water.[1] Sadly, the allergist could not project what my forty-yard dash time would be if I could breathe through more than one nostril. But based on absolutely no scientific evidence whatsoever (and rudimentary mathematics), I am firmly convinced it would cut .7 seconds off my time. I base this upon the following:

One nostril: 4.9 40 yard dash (this remains what I think I would run)

Two nostrils: 4.2 40 yard dash

This is based upon fairly conservative math. i.e. if one nostril allows me to run a sub 5.0 40 than two nostrils should mathematically allow me to be twice as fast and hence I would run a 2.45. Of course this would make me the fastest man in the history of the world which is probably a stretch. So I’m settling on a 4.2.

Which means with the benefit of two nostrils that work I could now catch Deon Sanders in the open field. Of course this would also be predicated upon the game taking place on an artificial field lest my allergies kick in, but can there be any doubt about my two nostril time? [2]
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[1] Of course this requires that the one nostril above water would be the nostril I breathe through.

[2] Provided there are no trees either.