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When Hot White Women Go Missing
6/8/05
by Clay

If you are a hot, white woman and you turn up missing, chances are everyone in the entire country finds out about it. From Chandra Levy to Jennifer Wilbanks to Laci Petersen to the chick who worked at Victoria's Secret to the chick in Wisconsin who fake kidnapped herself to the current search for Natalee Holloway in Aruba, nothing fascinates America more than when hot white women turn up missing.¹ If you doubt this proposition just ask yourself this, when was the last time an asian or black woman went missing and you actually heard about it? You're going to be thinking for a long time. But it's not just white women who become stories, it's attractive white women. Ugly people disappear all the time, and usually no one notices. Likewise men of all races disappear all the time and no one notices. But, man oh man, if you are a hot white woman and you vanish the world takes notice.

Now that we've proven that when hot white women vanish, the world takes note, why could this be? Of course whenever the media is criticized for their sensationalism, they always respond, "We only cover what people want to see." Which, if true, means that people all over America must really care about hot white missing women.After much thought I have identified seven hypotheses for why America is so fascinated and which audience is driving this coverage:²

1. Women who hate men. Usually the media covers these stories as if they are a lifetime movie come to life. (So that's how they got the name for the channel. Very clever.) Every one of these stories begins with the mystery, where is the hot white woman? This lasts for about two days. Immediately the next step always taken is, the man in her life did something to her. Sometimes this is true (see Scott Peterson), sometimes this is not (see Jennifer Wilbanks's fiancée). Jennifer Wilbanks's fiancée didn't even do anything, but the police immediately called him in for questioning and gave him a lie detector test. Women all over the country were already convinced he was guilty. Basically, anytime a woman disappears women who hate men immediately latch onto the story as further evidence of the horrible nature of men. (They will also latch onto this column).

2. Men. Since every story involving a hot woman in some way implicates sex in every man's mind, perhaps this is the thought process of the collective male:

a. Hey, that chick's hot.

b. Hey, that chick is hot and missing

c. Maybe if I found that hot chick she would be so happy I found her, she would have sex with me.

d. If I find the chick and she doesn't have sex with me some other women will because I will be a hero.

e. If I pretend I care about the missing hot woman, I don't even have to do anything and someone might have sex with me.

3. George Bush. Let's be honest, does anyone really benefit more everytime a hot white chick disappears. Lifetime should look into this now that Deep Throat has been revealed. If everyone keeps paying attention to hot white women who disappear, they don't notice all the men disappearing in Iraq.

4. Ugly women. Women secretly hate other women who are more attractive than they are. This means ugly women hate just about every other woman who is not also ugly. This also means that ugly women are so wrapped up in this coverage because while they won't admit it, they want every woman who is more attractive than they are to be dead. Based on my own experience there are a lot of ugly women in the world and most of them watch television all day. Lots of these women are also fat, this is why the media refers to big stories as feeding frenzies. Because fat ugly women eat faster when they think attractive people might possibly be dead.

5. Dumb people. Dumb people are basically the majority of the population in the United States and mysteries with pictures and someone explaining everything to them makes these mystery stories that everyone can follow. These mystery stories aren't The Maltese Falcon or The Usual Suspects. Any idiot can follow them without worrying about the ornery details like guilt or innocence, life or death. Whoever invented these moving pictures was a genius. Incidentally, the really ironic thing about dumb people is that they don't realize they are dumb, ergo they will be spending the most time writing hate mail for this column.

6. Black women. Black women hate white women even more than ugly women. This means ugly black women hate hot white women more than anyone else in the entire world. This is the functional equivalent of Hatfield vs. McCoy's in 21st century America. Of course, black women represent a small portion of the population, but their vituperative hate knows no bounds when it comes to hot white women. Some people might be asking, why do black women hate hot white women so much? The answer is simple, they offer strong competition for marrying NBA players and this makes the baby lottery check much more difficult to cash.³

7. Minorities. Every time another white person dies, minorities all across the country aren't shedding tears. In fact, they're happier because J. Crew is one step closer to the grave as well. Let's be honest, there are a lot of us white people. Particularly in the big middle of the country where the beaches are far away. And while it might make us all feel better if everytime the bell tolled it tolled for thee, minorities are happy when the bell tolls for whitey.⁴

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[1] For purposes of this article an expansive definition of hot is being adopted. It remains, however, somewhat less extensive than a white truck driver's or Paris Hilton's definition of hot. FYI, white truck drivers will have sex with anything.

[2] For those individuals who are plotting the respective hypotheses on a graph, I feel compelled to point out that these categories are not mutually exclusive. For instance, Rosie O'Donnell satisfies categories 1 (women who hate men), 2 (men), 3 (ugly women), and 5 (dumb people).

[3] "I have experienced that first hand, and I'm not in the NBA. What girls don't realize is that most guys only see hot, not color. I always say don't be mad because she's white, be mad because she got here first. It's also important to note that hot black women and hot white women get along better (see Lark Voorhies as Lisa Turtle).<DJ>"

[4] For those who question why footnotes were necessary for this column, the answer is quite simple: because all works of legitimate academic scholarship have footnotes.

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