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Weddings: A Chronicle (Part III)
6/2/05
by Clay

First off, I want to note that DJ's excellent column on 7 Past Their Prime was late going up yesterday, so you may access that one here.

Recently, it has come to my attention that some men feel compelled to participate in many of the details surrounding their wedding and none of the details surrounding their bachelor parties. I refuse to believe this is true for any men who actually have friends. Nevertheless, I feel an obligation to rescue men from decisions such as "Do you think the creamy off-white or the creamy white looks better?", "Don't you think it would be rude to include folded over RSVP's in the envelopes?", "Do you prefer the lillies or the marigolds?" (I am only about half certain that the marigold is a flower), "Can your divorced Aunt Margaret sit in the same general area as your Uncle Rufus?", "What about the vegetarians?" Any number of other questions will likely arise, all of them taking longer to analyze than the Treaty of Versailles.

If you are truly a man and do not wish to become embroiled in such details, I now offer you the guaranteed response to a guaranteed question that you will receive early in the wedding process that is the Monopoly equivalent of the Get out of Jail Card.

Your fiancée will ask, because every fiancée does ask, in the misguided thought that we wish to be involved in these details:

"What color vest do you want to wear with your tuxedo?" In the event, your fiancée does not ask you this question it means one of two things 1. she is planning to elope with one of your friends who has already instructed her what color vest he prefers or 2. you have already successfully disentangled yourself from the wedding planning.

Without fail, this should be your response:

"Polka dots are always classy."

This line must be uttered with the same sincerity as the announcement of your first round fantasy football choice. All clarity and no flash. If you have a trait that can be described as "endearing" combine it with the line. For those of you not certain what endearing traits are, they are these: everything you do around your girlfriend that would immediately get you beaten up at a bar. For instance, Aidan on Sex and the City always talks out of the side of his mouth, the plumber on Desperate Housewives always cocks his eyebrow whenever he says something cute or impish, other examples would be anything Tom Cruise or Ashton Crutcher do when they talk to women in movies you wish you hadn't been forced to see. For those of you who do not know what endearing means, you better be engaged to someone much smarter than you are if you want to ever afford advanced cable.

I guarantee you this will be your fiancée's response:

1. Head cock to the side followed by an interrogative, "Polka dots?"
2. Sincerely nod. At this point there is no need to speak again.
3. "Really, polka dots?"
4. Sincerely nod again.
5. Fiancée will exhale. Then speak in a slightly louder tone, "We are NOT doing polka dots."
6. Insert endearing gesture here. If you do not have an endearing gesture, lower your eyes and stare at the floor.

Your opinion will, most probably, not be sought again and you can focus on the bachelor party.

Final note: After reading my wedding columns, the betrothed DJ felt compelled to chime in with the following:

I am in 100% percent agreement with that. I was in England and Spain "working" during the "pre-planning" stages. I put twice as much thought into the bachelor party. I have not yet seen the church, nor the wedding colors, I just know one is celery green, and that is all I need to know. I have just picked out the tuxes for me and the groomsmen, and I think I messed that up. But what goes around, will eventually come around. I have staved off all wedding related questions with faux ignorance and genuine apathy, but as the good book says, "This too shall pass". I will soon be immersed is a world where I will be the only male around a group of female wedding planners, including the bride and my future mother-in-law. On their turf. This the equivalent of neutering. The phrases "No" and "I don't care" will be stricken from my vocabulary and replaced with "That sounds/looks/will be great!" and the painful "Really?" and "Wow! That is nice!" (Note the latte phrases have punctation at the end, showing the newfound emotion that must be mustered).

Thank you, DJ.