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Choosing a Bachelor Party Location
6/9/05
by Clay

The location of a bachelor party is perhaps the most central and least understood element of a good bachelor party. In this respect, it is like the law firm billable hour (I extend immediate apologies to all non-lawyers for the legal analogy.) To that end, I have decided to make the selection process more comprehensible to the average betrothed man and his chums. Here is a flow chart on locations, learn and live by its rules.

1. Las Vegas is the gold standard. Even if you live in Hong Kong, if a group of guys is willing to go to Vegas, you go. This is the Kevin Garnett of fantasy basketball picks, if he is there, you take him. Should Vegas not be an option, you proceed to the next number on the list.

(And before somebody asks the question, Atlantic City and Reno are not the functional equivalents of Vegas. You might as well go to a riverboat in Metropolis, Illinois.)

2. Anywhere the fiancee isn't is a possibility. There is nothing worse than going out for a bachelor party and running into the bride and her friends. Then the whole bachelor party turns into a big group date. Pretty soon, the future groom has to leave with the future bride and everyone is standing around nodding awkwardly at each other. Either that or the future groom is loaded and refuses to leave with the future bride. The wedding will probably survive, but you better give the couple a downpayment on a house as a wedding gift with like eight deluxe cutting boards already inside.

3. A city where strippers can be fully nude. PG-13 strip clubs make less sense than cutting boards. Based on our own knowledge this eliminates both Memphis and Philadelphia as options. If naked women won't be included in your bachelor party then cancel the whole thing and have a party replete with apple-bobbing, pin the tail on the donkey, and caroling of wholesome, family tunes.

4. A city in close proximity to the majority of the attendees.

5. A city close to the city where the majority of people live but far enough away that any intrusion is clearly intentional. For instance, DJ's bachelor party will be in Denver, Colorado and the majority of the attendees live in close proximity to Boulder, Colorado. This represents a solid decision because the location of the party is directly in conjunction with the majority of the bachelor party attendees current location but is also far enough away from Boulder that the future bride cannot arrive unexpectedly.

6. The same city but only if it has a pronounced red light district that no woman ever enters unless she is either a stripper or a wannabe stripper. This should eliminate the awkward run-in situation. If the fiancee in question is either a stripper or a wannabe stripper, stop the engagement now. One way to do this would be to to go to the fiancee's place of business and pay her to give her would-be husband a lap dance. The irony should knock some sense into the groom.

7. At some point, the bachelor may say something like, "I don't want things to get that wild guys, how about..." You may nod and agree to these conditions. Even broadcast your agreement for the fiancee's benefit. Then refer to step one above and work your way back down this list.

I think this is a pretty easy and handy reference for the bachelor party dilemma. Feel free to email further information such as city rules regarding nudity of strippers in particular cities as well as other dilemmas that might ensue and aren't answered by the handy seven step guide above. If you do end up apple-bobbing, playing the pin the tail on the donkey or caroling wholesome family tunes, please send us the pictures and we will humiliate whatever man insisted that his bachelor party should consist of these events by posting pictures.

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