previous column	deadlyhippos home	next column

Clear Heels: an Investigation
6/15/05
by Clay

I spend lots of time trying to solve vexing issues that don't seem to trouble anyone else. For instance, how do we know that squirrels only see in black and white and that dolphins are the only mammals besides ourselves that recognize themselves in mirrors? Both of these things are true according to reputable studies, but what makes them reputable and how were they studied? After rigourous thought eventually I decided the squirrels had to be kept in captivity and different colored nuts had to be hidden all over their captive playground. And that the scientists had demonstrated that there wasn't much difference in nut selection even for the ones that glowed in the dark. I also decided that dolphins had to jump in front of mirrors and then be marked with something and then be recorded noticing the markings in mirrors. Mind you, I have no idea if this is truly how these findings were legitimized, just what I surmised would be how the result would be found. In summation, I might be the only person who ended up in law school because I was genuinely interested in the legalities of the Girls Gone Wild tapes.

Recently, my mind has become hung up on another issue of seminal importance: why strippers wear clear heels but non-strippers do not. Oftentimes when I get hung up on questions like these, I develop quite detailed hypotheses to analyze these issues before dismissing them as invalid.

My clear heels hypotheses went something like this and my rejections went something like this (parenthetical rejections):

1. Maybe strippers want to be taller. (Clear heels don't make strippers any taller than regular heels.)

2. Maybe heeled strippers get better tips. (Eliminated, same rationale.)

Then I entered a prolonged drought during which my mind could produce no viable hypotheses. During this long drought I focused my energies on Rule 26 discovery conflicts and the meaning of the phrase "United States" and the word "whomsoever" in contracts. Seriously. Then I had an ephiphany and a further hypothesis ensued.

3. Eye contact while stripping increases tips and clear heels you can see through while colored heels you can't. Theoretically this would increase per-strip revenue and would be adopted by other strippers, aka the Darwin Rules of Strippery.

I became so confident in this rationale that I decided to share it with Lara. Lara is my wife and contractually obligated till death do us part to hear my hypotheses. Ergo, she was not surprised when our conversation about Entourage ended and I shared the hypothesis. Sometimes she accepts my findings, usually she disputes them as ridiculous. This time she just sighed and said,

"Clay, it's because the clear heels match every outfit."

_______________________________________

Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.