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Bill Brasky Lives Again
6/30/05
by DJ and JT

Recently my good buddy Wade sent me an email that changed the course of the past few days for myself and fellow DH Senior writer DJ. The content of the email was of a comedy so pure, so unmistakably remarkable that it resulted in 3 days of wasted time at work, home, and in DJ's case unadulterated feigned wedding planning. The content of this email was a string of quotes from the Saturday Night Live skit Bill Brasky. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of this skit, it involves the great Will Farrell, a comedic genius, drinking in different settings with other cast members (usually Mark McKinley and Tim Meadows) and the host of the show, usually Alec Baldwin since he has hosted the show at least once per month since 1991. To see a sample from the actual skit and how the conversations went in real time click here. The result of the aforementioned email led to DJ and myself creating our own Brasky skits for the next few days in unabashed, teat-suckling joy.

JT: You fellas ever hear of a guy named Bill Brasky?

Wade: Bill Brasky is an 800 lbs gorilla who pees battery acid and sings like Sinatra!

DJ: He is one hell of an accountant too!

All: BILL BRASKY!!

JT: I ever tell you guys about the week I spent with Brasky at drinking at Mardi Gras?

Wade: All the time! Brasky loves his whiskey!

JT: So we're leaving the local bar and Brasky pees on this old passed out homeless man. We walk by the same guy the next morning and sure enough... he had turned into Mickey Rourke.

DJ: The sight of Brasky's bare chest is what drove Tom Cruise to Scientology

Wade: He stopped a charging rhino with a pair of chopsticks and his scrotum.

JT: To Bill Brasky!

ALL: BRASKY!!!

DJ: You know Bill Brasky once smacked Stevie Wonder so hard he could see again for 20 minutes. He only did this so Stevie could see him make love to his wife in front of him. Stevie was so inspired he wrote the song "Superstition"

Wade: That Brasky is a bastard! And I love him for it! And I wanna braid JT's armpit hair with my teeth!!

JT: What? Anyways, he once defeated a gang of Ninja's with a sock of quarters, and they thanked him afterwards for his courtesy and kind words.

DJ: You know my wife and I once went to see Brasky perform on Broadway.

Wade: I slept with your wife in April!

JT: Who didn't!

DJ: Huh? Anyways, so we're halfway through the show and I see a man gouge his own eyes out after watching Brasky's performance of "Othello" because it was so beautiful that he would rather not see anything again. Brasky sauteed his eyes and served them to the first row! The Iron Chefs ejaculated in unison with joyous approval.

Wade: Bill Brasky once pummeled a Chinaman with a wet trout just to prove a point.

DJ: The Brask-ster! What a savage! If you put your ear to his chest, you can hear death.

All: TO BILL BRASKY!!

DJ: I am so wasted my nipples are soft!!!

JT: I once saw Brasky pass an apple through the eye of his penis. He picks the thing up, hands it to me and makes me eat it. The damn thing was the best piece of fruit I have ever had! The strange part was that it tasted just like kiwi strawberry.

Wade: His sweat is sold for $500 per ounce in Australia. DJ is taut.

DJ: What? Anyways, I once drowned myself on purpose, just so he'd give me CPR. I faked like I was passed out even when I came to, just to taste his mouth nectar that much longer.

JT: He baits hooks with himself!

Wade: His ability to masturbate caused Kurt Cobain to kill himself.

DJ: Brasky once created a life size sculpture of Tony Danza and then he broke its legs for staring at his wife.

JT: I saw that sculpture and I hated it! It was beautiful!

Wade: If you stare into Brasky's eyes long enough you can see Da Vinci's painting of the Last Supper.

ALL: TO BILL BRASKY!!

Big Booming Voice: I'm Bill Brasky! And I declare it's Tequila time!

ALL: BRASKY!!!

This column will be loved or hated, depending on your sense of humor, and alas so will we. The true hysterical, random nature of these skits wreaked havoc on our senses for so many days our lives could go no further until these utterances were duly recorded. Post all your thoughts Bill Brasky or otherwise here on our message board, or feel free to hit us up through gmail with your own Brasky's.

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