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Big Shot Bob
6/20/05
by Clay

If I'd had more time lately, I was going to draft a column about the NBA Finals. The focus of the column was going to be dual, on how bad the Detroit Pistons are for the NBA and on the fact that Robert Horry's clutch nature is the most cliche element of a very cliched Finals. Every time Horry does anything remotely positive be that making a basket, drawing a charge, rotating to helpside defense, making it from end of the court to the other without falling, one of the announcers is falling all over himself to laud Horry's big game prowess. Mind you this occurs in the first quarter and does not end until the end of the game. In all the time I have spent watching Robert Horry in the playoffs, I don't believe I have ever heard a negative comment about his game. That was the column I was going to write. While I still agree that the Pistons represent everything nefarious in the NBA today, criticizing the manlove being tossed in Robert Horry's direction would have been a major error and made me look like even more of an idiot than I already do. Plus it would have kept me from writing this column to praise Tim Duncan for uttering the single funniest line ever uttered in a postgame interview in the history of the NBA. (That's typical Bill Walton understatement).

For those of you on the east coast who didn't manage to stay up for Game 5's overtime 12:30 or thereabouts ending, you missed a truly great game. Robert Horry came out of nowhere to singlehandedly carry the San Antonio Spurs to the cusp of the championship, Tim Duncan went from goat to the funniest man in the NBA in the amount of time it took Elizabeth Berkley's career to die in Showgirls. (As an aside there is an article about Jesse Spannow in the Sunday New York Times, evidently she is now acting on Broadway. Seriously.)

At the end of regulation, Manu Ginobli (who looks like Balki according to Steve Urkel see Zooperlink) drove and laid up a soft shot that hung just off the rim. Duncan followed it up with a missed follow that can only be described as the weakest set in volleyball history. If he had been playing beach volleyball down here with me in the Virgin Islands and set the ball that softly, even I would have been disgusted with him. Except this wasn't beach volleyball, it was the chance to win game 5 and go up 3 games to 2 on the Pistons with Game 6 and 7 in San Antonio to follow. This led me to state to a room full of people:

"Duncan's such a pansy. He's got to dunk that. What a pansy."
(No one called me on the double use of the word pansy. Right after the second pansy came out of mouth, I was expecting to get slammed. but either no one noticed or most likely, no one generally cares much what I say.)

Immediately after this miss, with the game now in overtime, Duncan did the following: missed the first two shots of overtime and lost control of an entry pass that Lara could have caught with 56 seconds left in overtime. Then of course came the requisite Robert Horry dramatics. I thought Hubie Brown might die in the ensuing moments after his made three-pointer. It's a good thing there was a timeout otherwise Al Micheals might have had to give Hubie mouth to mouth. (Where's Marv Albert when you need him?)

So Rip Hamilton comes out and misses a shot and the Spurs are celebrating like crazy. This is when my double-pansy call of Duncan began to fade. Duncan threw up the double arms to the sky and rocked the double number 1's. This might not have been done since Hickory High's victory. I loved it.

Then courtside reporter Michelle Tafoya (as an aside even Michelle Tafoya has to be surprised that she has a job as a courtside reporter. She's like an enigmatic mix of someone that once might have been both hot and smart but now is neither. Every time I watch her roll through some awkward exchange with a large, dumb man I have no idea what to make of her) interviewed Duncan and asked something along the lines of how did you win this game. Duncan actually paused for a prolonged period and then deadpanned,

"Big shot Bob." It was classic and singlehandedly redeemed Duncan in my eyes (see Walton hyperbole above).

After some thought, I've decided it was most impressive because:

1. Have you heard an NBA player ever say something funny in one of these interviews? If you say you have, you're lying or thought The Longest Yard was funny.

2. Spur of the moment. (Man, this is like one of those horribly cute headlines that newspapers run that me not even want to read the article).

3. It was understated. Has anything in the NBA ever been understated? Ever? Ok, with the exception of John Stockton's shorts. The answer is no.

4. Finally, while it was funny, what's the over/under going to be on how many times this joke is repeated for the next week. I think it may come to rival "Where's the beef?" in cultural significance. My call is approximately 458,342,051 (the last three digits represent our readership).

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