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Beauty and the Geek: Episode II (The Guys)
6/10/05
by Tardio

A review of the guys from BATG.

Another solid night of BATG. I've elected to write a review of the dudes, while JT will assess the chicks' performances. So, without further ado, here's what some of the dorky dudes were up to last night:

Richard: This guy needs no introduction. His hair stands up so far that without my contacts in I thought he was wearing a top hat. He also has wire-rimmed glasses that are thicker than Volume S of the Encyclopedia Brittanica. All this while he wears his pants at nipple-level and talks like a congested Daffy Duck. In short, this guy is just not getting it done. The caption below his name usually reads something like "Has never kissed a girl" or "Has never been on a date." Because of the pronounced nature of his dorky attributes, he has become a sort of King Geek on the show.

Well, last night, the "challenge" that the geeks faced was to massage the women. (The women's challenge was to tune up a car.) When Richard's beauty taught him the art of massage, he writhed in pain and complained that she had hurt his shoulders. Nice moves, Richie. Then, when it came to Richie's turn to massage the girls, he put in a performance that featured not only shoulder rubs, but also chops, elbows, and knuckles, making Richard's massage technique akin to Emeril kneading bread dough. Needless to say, Richard didn't win the massage contest.

Somehow, as annoying as he is, Richard survived the episode. Joe didn't. If you'll remember, Joe is the short, blonde guy. His spiked hair looks like the result of jump-starting your car battery in a swimming pool (i.e., Don King-style). Well, he lost the challenge, and in a heartfelt elimination ceremony, he and his chick were chosen to go to the elimination challenge by Chuck (who pulled up the sleeves on his dress shirt to mid-bicep) and his chick (who provided one of the hottest car tune-ups ever to win the tune-up challenge). Now, sadly, in the elimination challenge, Joe was beat out by Brad, and sent home after Brad nailed the final question about massages. Let's assess Joe's short stay at the mansion:

1. Joe arrives, gets paired with Erika. Joe is feeling good even though he's a foot shorter than Erika with the hair, 18 inches shorter without.

2. On the first night Joe's going well until fellow dork Brad hooks up with Erika in her bed five feet away from a sleeping Joe. Now, Joe is not feeling so good.

3. Joe gives bad massages, loses challenge. Joe still not doing well.

4. Joe is picked to go to the elimination challenge. Joe on the brink of suicide.

5. Joe answers "massage rag" when asked what the name of the sponge used in massages is (answer…loofa). Joe now set on suicide, deciding on method.

6. Joe's nemesis Brad answers question correctly, eliminating Joe. Joe decides on hanging as method.

7. Erika and Joe both choke up in exit interview – Erika because she has to leave Brad. Joe because, well, he has to leave the hot chicks. Joe's probably dead by now.

All in all, I give Joe's stay at the mansion about a negative 9 on the classic 1-10 scale. Let's take a quick look at Brad before I wrap this up. On the classic 1-10 looks scale, Brad is a solid 5. Nothing spectacular, but not going to scare any little children, either. A good, solid 5. The girl he hooked up with – Erika – is about a 34 on the classic 1-10 looks scale. Erika is a "model/actress" whose occupation is "Life-Size Barbie Doll." Clearly, she would give Brad about 0.3 seconds of her time in a bar. However, you put Brad in a room with six other geeks –all of whom barely score 2s on the classic 1-10 looks scale – and automatically she likes him. Kutcher did say this was a "social experiment." It's like nature's own beer-goggles – instead of picking out the hottest dude in the room, she picks out the least ugly. Think about it. I promise it makes sense. (Maybe.)
Tune in next week, y'all.

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