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Beauty and the Geek: Episode I
6/7/05
by Tardio

I never thought these words would be uttered outside a Tiger Beat Magazine work room, but here it goes: Ashton Kutcher is a genius. There, I said it. A man that I've been wanting to beat senseless for several years now (out of pure jealousy) is now regarded in my mind as a genius. His new show (of which he is "executive producer"– I don't know what that duty entails, but I've got a feeling it involves making a lot of money and doing little substantive work…sweet) Beauty and the Geek is an instant hit. Now, I realize I've been one prone to hyperbole (see Tardio, statement 1999, "Ryan Leaf…great pick!"), but I think this show deserves it.

The basic premise was outlined in JT's previous preview column, but I'll reiterate for our readers suffering from Jager-induced memory loss. Seven (or six or eight, I can't remember) hot, dumb girls each pair off with a genius, dorky dude. Then, they compete in these contests designed to test the hot, dumb girls on things the genius, dorky dudes are good at (i.e., geography) and vice versa (i.e. dancing). Someone votes for winners at each of the challenges and they win some amount of money that will be cut in half after taxes.
First episode was no disappointment. Let's take a look at some of the highlights:

1. One of the dorks, during the opening scenes when the dorks are introducing themselves to the hot chicks, gets a random nosebleed. Granted, that's not entirely gut-bustingly funny. But, as his partner tried to help him, he graces us with the smoothest line I've ever heard dropped on a hot chick: "The mucosa must be dried out." Wow, nice pillow talk buddy. Then, during the dance competition, as he's dancing his heart out, he gets another gusher like he'd been punched by a coked-up, 1993 Mike Tyson. Consequently, "Nosebleed" has worked his way into my heart as my favorite dork thus far.
2. No different than any reality show, Beauty and the Geek had the requisite "hot tub" scene in Episode 1. The chicks are frolicking around in bathing suits made out of washcloths, and the dorks are sitting on the side of the hot tub, pasty white, with bathing suits that looked like pants. It was classic. Even watching this scene with no sound would have been entertaining.
3. There is one dork who you could consider an average looking guy (as opposed to the others, who look like they're from another planet). One of the hot chicks immediately seduces him and spends the night with him the first night. This prompts this chick's partner (whom she did not hook up with) to say something to the effect of "If I got upset every time a girl I liked hooked up with another guy, I'd constantly be upset." If it weren't so damn funny, I'd probably have felt bad for this dude. I mean my God dude, have some semblance of self-worth.

Those are just three of the highlights of a promising new show. I'll try and get a review out each week. This is assuming I can find it since it's on WB. I had to put an all-points bulletin out for what channel WB was on my cable before I finally found after watching UPN for 3 hours thinking they're the same thing. What else is on WB? Moesha? Andy Griffith re-runs? Cheaters? The WB is like the ugly chick at a bar – unless something crazy happens, you're not going to pay it any attention. Well, something crazy has happened, boys, so tune in.

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