previous column	deadlyhippos home	next column

NBA Finals Preview
6/13/05
by DJ

Pistons vs. Spurs. Spurs vs. Pistons. No matter how you look at it, a boring, defensive battle will almost definitely ensue, replete with the maximum allowage of hacking, uncalled travels, and endless close ups of facial grimaces and single arm pumps. Also, I realize if you are not from either of these two cities, you probably would never cheer for either one anyways. The storylines even suck. "The Past Two Champions!" . So. "Can The Pistons Repeat?". Um, dunno, {editors note: insert sarcasm here} but it'd be great since that's never happened before.... But since there are no Co-Champions like our beloved BCS system, there must be winner. I will choose the Detroit Pistons as repeat Champions, and not only because JT and I are friends with their point guard as we hail from the same alma mater, but through non-basketball reasons. Here they are:

1. The Spurs are undoubtedly the best team in the Western Conference and are by far at least tied for the ugliest. And as we all know, God don't like ugly. I have already touched upon this point in an earlier RRR column [1]. Tim Duncan looks so confused, like he is trying to remember where the HoneyComb Hideout is located. This is not to say Detroit would win a beauty contest either with Tayshaun "Praying Mantis" Prince on the wing and Rip "Phantom of the Opera" Hamilton. Rasheed, Big Ben, and Chauncey aren't lookers either. But I believe if they were not NBA millionaires but mere cretins like you and I, and the two teams were sent into bars to pull chicks, the Pistons would most certainly win.

2. Basketball aside, if the two teams were in a street fight, every one of Pistons with the exception of Darko, would pummel the Spurs. No one from the Spurs looks like an ex-con. On the other hand, the Pistons have Ben Wallace. If he can fight off Shaq for a whole series, he could make mincemeat of Duncan in a fight. He also stole on the bi-polarly insane Ron Artest, sparking one of the biggest brawls in team sports history [2]. Rasheed might actually ritualistically gut and hang Parker and Barry. Now that I think about it, I could never even picure one Spur winning a fight; even Rockem-Sockem robots would be a stretch.

3. This picture says it all....and the caption as well...

4. If the Pistons repeat, odds and history dictate you wouldn't have to see them in the Finals for a couple more years, opening the way for Shaq and Wade to get a ring together. Then Shaq can dis Kobe some more, as Kobe will most certaintly never win a ring in LA by himself.

5. If the movie Team America taught us one thing, it's that America always wins (with excessive unnecessary violence and exploitation of course). It is important to note that only two of the Pistons claim another nationality. Darko, who has frosted hair, is their only weak link in this category. And then there's Carlos Arroyo, who kicked our Olympic team's ass this summer, and has dual citizenship, so we are gonna adopt him from Puerto Rico, aka America's Storage Closet. The Spurs are like a world wide pick up team; thus I will divide the groups into Team America (Pistons) vs. The Foreign Hordes (Spurs).

The Pistons all hail from good old fashioned american cities, also called "hoods", most of which the Spurs would be shot for entering -

Chauncey - Park Hill, Denver aka MHC (Mile High City)
Rip - Coatesville, PA
Big Ben- White Hall, 'Bama
'Sheed- Philly
Tayshaun- Compton, (I have met his brother. He is tough. Very tough. And mean.)
Elden Campbell - L.A. (Please note he sports a moustache with no goat. He's from the old school of chin checks and eye swolls.)
Darvin Hamm - Saginaw, MI. (Once SHATTERED a backboard in college.)

Spurs are all Eurotrash or South American hippies-

Duncan - Virgin Islands. Was a 7ft speedo wearing swimmer until he was 18. Speedos dude.
Parker - French Frog.
Manu - Argentina with homo tendencies.
Nesterovich - Slovenia (is this a real country?)
Nazr Muhammed - Claims to be from the Chicago, and NY, but once caught crying on camera after a midseason college loss. You make the call.
Bruce Bowen - from Jupiter's outermost Moon
Beno Udrih - also from Slovenia (I think it is next to Stankonia)

If there is anything we learned from Matt Stone and Trey Parker, it is that Team America always wins....Go Pistons.

Fell free to reply to our message board with your vote on who would win, basketball reasons aside.
________________________________________________________

[1] Rants, Raves, and Ruminations III (RRR3)
[2] A massive shout out to the 1993 CU-Miami brawl at Folsom Field, beset in the lovely Flatirons of Boulder, Colorado. The 12-year anniversary is this year, September 24, at the Orange Bowl. Click here for a synopsis.